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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Distancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wildcatchamps
    ASL Info:    33 Las Vegas
    Elite Ratio:    5.42 - 47/57/34
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 616
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 889



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Distancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sky has lost itís color
    The sun has turned to grey
    At least thatís how it feels to me
    Whenever youíre away

    I crawl up in the corner
    As I watch the minutes pass
    Each one brings me closer to
    The time when youíll be back
    Youíre coming back

    I canít take the distance
    I canít take the miles
    I canít take the time
    Until the next time I see you smile
    I canít take the distance
    And Iím not ashamed
    That I canít take a breath without saying your name
    I can brave a hurricane
    And still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down
    But I canít take the distance

    I still believe in feelings
    But sometimes I feel too much
    I make believe youíre close to me
    But it ainít close enough
    Not nearly close enough




    Submitted on 2005-01-31 02:58:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      Beautiful ;)
    One of your best writes...always wish I could hear the music...and with this one I can...meter and flow are so well done.
    The longing and pain mixed with tender care are heart pounding and breath taking at the same time.
    Bravo
    kelly
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      Very tight flow to that one. Long distance realtionships defintely suck. Even if the distance is just down the street now that i think about it. Anyhow, it was good and I have nothing constructive to say.
    shard
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      its pretty tight if its going to be a rock song, and have to agree a little with miss mary.
    it needs something else to really make it different or stand out (maybe that will be the music or chorus).
    now its allways easy to make reconmendations when someone else put the effort in so let me begin. "The sky has lost it?s color
    The sun has turned to grey
    THIS IS HOW IT FEELS(suggestion)
    Whenever you?re away
    "I crawl up in the corner
    As I watch the minutes pass
    Each one brings me closer to
    The time when you?ll be back
    You?re coming back
    "I crawl up in the corner
    As I watch the minutes pass ON MY 24 HOUR GLASSES (suggestion)
    EACH ONE TAKES ME FURTHER AWAY FROM A MEMORY AND CLOSER BACK TO YOU(suggestion)

    You?re coming back( is this part a ? or are you saying for sure she's coming back).
    "I can brave a hurricane" this is a very tight a$$ line, but let me suggest you put like 1 or 2 more things you could go through and survive but not the distance that keeps you apart.
    "I still believe in LOVE
    But sometimes I FEEL too much"

    GO ahead and rock it out....remember this is from the outside lookin in.
    maybe you can critique my song and let me know.
    While you were sleepin......

    very nice song.... ONE....
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by elohimswork | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. It sounds like the other love lyrics that have been up here, but as I say, "If your going to be unoriginal you better atleast be good." And so this was good, and I enjoyed it, even though it'll probably never go anywhere unless you can make it more original and not-sounding-like-every-other-love-song-ever-written. Not to be mean or anything, but it's just the truth. I'm glad you have a person you love this much, too.
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]
      Hermosa Beach yellin at ya here! Anyway I trully felt your hurt and the fact you lost your girl or whatever, and there was a chance she might not come back but you were still holding on to the hope that she was coming back. Good rhyming flow- everything it was simple and Good. Sorry for all these stupid words but look at my name and you'll understand. Thanks for the vision inside your heart~m
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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