Description: I have no idea what to call this, so offer suggestions if you'd like. For those who don't know, Dresden is a German city that was virtually bombed off the planet in WWII.
Um, I'm not at all full of hate (quite the opposite actually). This is written from the perspective of someone who is abused, so it's not going to be about rainbows and lollipops.
Desolate as Dresden -------------------------------------------
have left my body
as pockmarked and soiled
as an old dirt road,
my soul as desolate as Dresden
after the bombs made the fires dance,
dead as the aftermath of Hiroshima.
Just give me one shell-shocked day
to pick the gravel
from these rag doll knees
to line up
a few sore memories
and fire away
to clear a little space
for your new lies
that spew from your mouth
like shells from a munitions factory
to take inventory
of these battle scars.
different for you, but well done. i feel the narrator's pain. i know about dresden in wwII-nobody knows how many people died in the firestorm. of course, it was pretty horrific on both sides... anyway, nice work here. :-)
I agree with the rest of the universe... this is a poignant, deep and thought provoking poem and the title is excellent as is... I wouldn't change one thing about it. You've once again succeeded in painting such vivid images with your choice of words that I feel my chest getting choked up and those 'ragdoll knees' buckling under my weight. Exquisite poetry!
This is pretty cool... I think that is a good thing that you bring up the past a little, and wash it into poetry, that is what poetry is all about, lol. I really like it though, its not like the government today... they only tell us what we want to hear, good truths. and I like your pic, it is very nice. You have really pretty hair, and the flowers in the background are nice.
Well dear Amy you've just given me catharsis you didn't know I needed. This is me in my last relationship, right down to the spewing lies. I often said, "She shot a fly with a 44 magnum". As they say, "It's done, put a fork in it." I like how you've used the images of Dresden and Hiroshima to illustrate, there isn't anything left. And how the wish for one shell-shocked day- (some peace to regroup) maybe there's a chance to move on. Great job.
this is so intense, like the relationship just burned this person raw and to the bone. the comparison to Dresden and Hiroshima make it doubly poignant. such horrid examples of man's inhumanity to man. my only suggestion may be to say "lies from your mouth" instead of head, only because it would sharpen the verbal abuse as well as physical abuse you are speaking of.
I really like the flow and wording of this. It was a nice easy read with emotional aspects shooting at you like a knife. "To pick the gravel From these rag doll knees To selectively line up A memory or a few" That's my favorite little piece of this. You didn't just tell us you described it to us in a grand way because you compared pain to war. If that's not painful then I don't know what is. I really enjoyed this. You did a great job. :) -blt
OMG, don't you ever delete this. This is near perfect. Great analogy between the pain of a bad relationship and the battered feel of a war-torn city.
Interesting too (especially since I'm sure this was known by you, thus intentional) that theory of war at that time was unlike today when strategy involves striking "only" military targets, but it was thought that destruction of populated areas and the civilians within was necessary. Only through the battering of morale of a country's population could surrender be imminent. Therefore, the abuse you were taking was intentional, not a byproduct of the "war" of a relationship.
The only place I'm unsure of is the repitition of dirty and dirt. Not sure if changing one of those might be more effective. Very minute anyway.
Ahh yes! I've noticed that there is quite a bit of negative drug induced poetry on this site dealing with inevitable relationship breakdowns etc. I thought this was travelling doen that beaten path. Don't be frightened to write a bit in the description to put your poems in proper context. We're not all in the same head space and when you start talking about strong feelings and not so much your personal setting or experience sometimes its difficult to work out exactly what you are trying to say.
I got the impression of great hatred within you. I'm not so clear as to why or what or who you hate so it is a bit difficult to appreciate the poem completely. It seems as though it was going to lead somewhere but then changed its mind. "Desolate as Dresden" is a great title though.
Yeah, it's packed with emotions; very dense and compressed, etc. Stylistically, there's a clean change of tone after 'Just give me one shell-shocked day'; the first part is very descriptive, and the second is alot more focused on yourself, like zooming in if that makes sense. The second part is also more scattered; it seems like your style is always a little more scattered and hesitating when you're the central piece of a poem. My point being, there's alot of psychology in Dresden and in your writing in general. The pain, confusion and inability to understand are almost tangible here, the whole poem is very focused, written with a purpose which is venting imho.