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are we ok? Revised again


Author: mimi
ASL Info:    30/f/ny
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111
Words: 66
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 842
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 470



Description:


revision is what it's all about right?? Im fighting to delete 'fell back from the stars'


are we ok? Revised again



“Are we ok?”
You asked me
After I walked through
the doors I'd slammed.
After we…
talked.
After we …
touched
“Are we ok?”
You looked into my eyes,
saw the doubt that I disguise,
Are we ok?.”
I wipe your tears
soothe your fears.
“We are ok.”
My qualms I keep,
I watch you sleep,
After we…
I whisper “Am I ok?




Submitted on 2005-01-31 15:19:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I've just read all three of these, in the order they were written, and I don't know, I just lean a bit towards the first one (just to urk you!) It has convinced me that I'm right in not re-writing poems looking for perfection, usually, the first time's the best time, any revision is done under the duress of other people's interpretation and wishes, and can lose the original truth and meaning. Mind you, I'm not knocking this one, I think it's fine, I just think I prefer the first one. Well done, anyway, be happy
Graeme
| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  The first thing I noticed about this poem is he constantly asks "are we okay" which to me really means "its all about me" He never asks if your okay. It seems to me his only fear is that you might not be okay and then "we're not okay" Anyway, I actually really enjoyed reading this. I think you've done a fine job with it.
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
  this is so amazing. it reminds me of so many times that you have a fight, and you still just dont really know where its going.

i liked the repitition, good job!
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
  a very interesting poem about people ridden with doubt after possible self introspection that was not successful and it required the reassurance of another to provide some solace.i think you have tackled an original topic with success.good luck and fare well.
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
  That last line, "Am I ok?" is the #1 question. Your love for him is obvious, but his for you is questionable. "Are we ok?" in man-speak, means "Will this continue?"

As to the poem, it is quite well done. The repetition works, it draws the reader to the question at hand, which is "Am I ok?" It illustrates the doubt of one lover about the concern of the other. I think love is when another life becomes more important to you than your own. At a time like this we would ask "Are you ok?"

"After I walked through
the doors I'd slammed"

My favorite lines: also they set up the reflective nature of this poem, letting us know there was a past and a rocky one, and from this we are intrigued by the burning questions.

"My qualms I keep"

This line is very original. A nice twist of a phrase.
So, overall, a well done poem. it captures the reader and drags him along to the end. I don't think anyone would stop halfway reading this. Great job!


Phil
| Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]


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