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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "CALIFORNIA REDEMPTION"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 311
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1234
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1932



    Description:
       This is about not being satisfied, basically realizing you arent alone and you can always do better, with effort. ~Lt


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"CALIFORNIA REDEMPTION"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the trash
    to get the cash,
    dumpster jumpings quite a buzz.
    I'm losing all recolection of the man I once was.
    I get what I can.
    Every bottle and can I demand.
    But when coins dont drop like the mercury.
    Thoughts of suicide take over me.
    I was 26 like yesterday,
    Sometimes shit happens along the way.
    Hope Goes,
    as does the feeling in my toes.
    God knows I try not to breathe.
    I guess Heavan is full of people like me they dont need.
    I barely eat.
    Yesterdays newspaper warming my feet.
    A broken heart,
    a 9 year old shopping cart.
    My dreams I dream no more.
    If you need me you can find me panhandling
    by the liquor store.
    My only comfort is found in a fifth.
    But like my will to go on its less and less with each sip.
    When tomorrow comes this world will be less this one.
    I'm not looking forward to the new sun.
    I just cant fight any more.
    Why fight something thats beaten me before?
    So I go to the store for a few of my favorite things.
    Then I walk so I can think and drink, and smoke one
    last cig.
    I took the elevator to the top.
    Not a bone in my body wanted to stop.
    Then looking down,
    I saw the hurt that was all around.
    These people are just like me.
    They feel what I felt.
    They too have insecurities,
    but still try to better the hand they were delt.
    So instead off my jump off.
    I felt a gift was given to me from above.
    I felt so new.
    With a sense of value.
    For today I am a new man.
    Today "Redemption" and value
    didnt come in a can..............L.t

    "It's Never Effortless to Fail"
    i/i----------i-----------I<----------I=------------------------------




    Submitted on 2005-01-31 18:58:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      WOW, this was awesome and inspired em to write something new i think I will go do that now. And my last comment where I told you that long story definitely fits into this one, great write bro I'm gonna go write something from this idea, hope you don't mind me stealing, I'll put in parenthesis (Inspired by: California Redemption By: LameMansTerms)
    Peace
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      Welcome to Eliteskills LameMan!
    I just finished reading Leap of Life and thoroughly enjoyed it, so thought I'd check out your Feature piece as well. This one too about a leaper, but not really a suicide write, more a social commentary. You have some great ideas here, the view of California seen from the eyes of the homeless and down and out, and I especially liked the word play on "Redemption".I also liked the message that at the height (no pun intended) of his misery, he was able to see that everyone has their problems,"They as well have insecurities,/but still try and better the hand they were delt.(dealt)" So often we think our circumstances oppressive, and think "if only" -, but it is so true that those who have , or are the "if onlies"-also have their own sets of problems.
    "You do need to clean up some of the meter, and some of the word choices seem to be forced into the rhyme scheme, as well there are some spelling errors(least of my concerns though).
    But those are all easy to fix, -sometimes it just takes leaving it alone, then re-reading it again a few weeks or months later-to see how it sounds to the first time reader.
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, completely original, love seeing it through the hobos eyes! MAN THIS IS GOING ON MY FAVORITES! If I have no critique for you and it is original then you are favorites-material. Good job.
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]
      I can relate to this one big time... I didn't get paid at work and I'm scroungin for change just to get buy... I have addicitons... I have food to put in my stomach.. It all adds up... It's hard sometimes! Thank you for commenting on my poem!
    | Posted on 2005-02-02 00:00:00 | by Besu | [ Reply to This ]


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