In My Mind by Brwnsknsam05

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Submission Name: In My Mind dots

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Author:	Brwnsknsam05
ASL Info:	21/f/everywhere
Elite Ratio:	4.76 - 386/430/99
Words:	86

Class/Type:	Poetry/Satire
Total Views:	410
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	596

Description:
A couple of insigificant thoughts?

In My Mind dots

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Things are as they are
Friends are as they were
Integrity has no purpose
And joy has no remorse
The weak encourage
The strong
And the blind
Guide the deaf
Colors have no existence
No meaning or depth
Wisdom has no seniority
And hope holds no ground
Justice is seen in the eyes
Of children...carried in
The womb of pity
Hand holding is a necessity
Touch is a part of gender
Race is a brief discussion
As a new Constitution is written
These are only dreams...though

Submitted on 2005-01-31 19:48:59 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  toush? wassat? This thing is sorta loose - im not sure what was happenin here. I got a little stuck on the cliché's but cliché's are used all the time cuz they good right? Right.
shard
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
  I for one didn't ever notice the periods and I agree with so much of what you wrote about this world. However it came off to me as it being somewhat of a cold world to live in and although i would have to say its a cold and cruel world but it also has so much wormth and i think in a way you captured that too. I loved the way you said:

Justice is seen in the eyes
Of children

because children are pure at heart and they don't judge. (even those that are a pain in the butt lol) well anyways it was an awesome poem i enjoyed reading it!
Hannah
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by Devils Angel | [ Reply to This ]
  The things that threw me off were the periods, it made me stumble when I read the "These are only dreams...though".. I get you might want that to be impacting but it's kind of distracting.

This didn't realy wow me. What I saw it as was complaining about what is wrong in our society. The metaphors were the same things I've heard before. Although, some stuff was pretty good but not good enough to make the whole poem shine.

Now that I read it again, it's not bad. If you were going for first impressions, then I would have left you with the above paragraph. But I look now and it says overall assesment, so I'll just say it was an okay poem, but you could really go deeper into your "insignificant thoughts" and make a really great write.

-Brooke
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by Quiet Clamor | [ Reply to This ]
  interesting thoughts, i must say.

what throws me off is that the poem's title leads the reader to believe that these thoughts are in the narrator's mind, and sounds as though they are refuting what is actually happening in the world. news flash: blind leading the deaf? happens all the time in the world today. so they aren't dreams, it's reality. perhaps you are meaning to say that you can fathom all the hypocritical things that happen nowadays, if this is the case then you could add a new last line:
These are only dreams...though
i see them everyday.
if this isn't what you were trying to get across, then i'm at a loss. revise some, and let me know what you're saying!
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by osweetrepose | [ Reply to This ]
  I am not really sure what you are getting at here. Throughout the poem you seem to be speaking of things that are rather pessimestic. I got a feeling of negativity, like things are this way, and could be so much better. It seemed rather sad. Then at the end you say "These are only dreams...though". This line leads me to believe you were supposed to be writing about how you want things to be. I dunno, the ending really threw me off. I liked the piece up until then.
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by ebflannery | [ Reply to This ]
  WTF? I saw no meaning in the above poem. I am not a good reader of poetry so it takes alot to pull me in and show me anything, and this didn't. My overall assessment is that these are all general morals of society and you were critisizing them. Yeah...I guess it's good now that I just read it again. I guess.
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]

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