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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Reminiscingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jaycee
    ASL Info:    38/F/ Texas
    Elite Ratio:    4.85 - 2410/1167/153
    Words: 183
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 407
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1123



    Description:
       Another piece written for my niece for her debutant ball....I can't get the pic to load, but here's a link to my msn album.

    http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0YwAdAxggcXiisO1fW*IhUiI*M!0wqrs*gdxhQcVvGrUNL47SiXJKZFZzKEm4ybXQfOJzUPK6jFSnOruDg4h1bFbqQvNGA8cXTWHfM0lU*MMu!x8IMDhoeQMBDLkbAeFMfQMikH1AQl3eiWo7NeKG!w/danielle%20at%20mirrorc.jpg?dc=4675508258443508809


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReminiscingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    As I sit here
    Readying myself for your night
    I can't help but see you beside me
    Your reflection, not that of a young woman,
    But of the infant that lit up my day
    With a smile and a wink of dimples;
    Of the toddeler that beguiled me
    With the blink of her eyes and a pout;
    Of the little girl who begged for makeup,
    Then ran me ragged with tomboyish energy;
    Of a young lady regaling me with every injustice
    While spouting a wisdom that surpasses her years.
    I see the teen who always has time for a hug
    And a heartfelt "I love you," even when busy.

    As I stare into the glass and see the past,
    Your future radiates brightly,
    Superimposed by my mind's eye.
    Your faith and courage go before you
    Pushed by a competitive, yet caring heart,
    Tempered by patience, supported by those
    Who believe in your beauty of spirit.
    And I hold a sense of pride in that beauty
    Knowing that I had a small part
    In the transformation that is womanhood.




    Submitted on 2005-01-31 22:52:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Jan, always a pleasure to read your poetry. :).

    S1: In two lines you set the scene: a wedding. :). I'm not sure about "reflection". Where does the reflection come from? I like the transition from "a young woman" to the infant. I might write "that would light up my day". It might relate the feeling of reminiscing as you would something. "wink of dimples" is very cute. It's "toddler" i think. The alliteration is magical in context as the toddler beguils you with the blink of her eyes. Mb adding a "little pout" or some such gives better 'flow'. :) "tomboyish" seems awkward almost like you're inventing a word. What do you think of "with a tomboy's energy"? I love the choice of vocabulary of the next two lines, espcially the contrast between "spouting" and "wisdom". Btw, i know i'm slow, but i just noticed how you have the infant growing up in this stanza. How artfully done!

    S2: the seeing the past in which the future radiates is a truism while avoiding the cliché. So nicely done. That athletic heart is a nice metaphor. I really like this stanza. It could almost stand as is. wow. :) Peace
    Raz
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a nice write. The words are as classy as the ball and debutant that you are portraying. Have you shown this to her? I'm sure she would be very touched that her aunt feels this strongly about the woman she has become. It almost seems as though she is a daughter of sorts to you. Very nice.
    | Posted on 2005-04-25 00:00:00 | by j4wolfe | [ Reply to This ]
      i loved your choices of words here. the piece was well done and insightful- she is very lucky to have an aunt who cares about her so much and sees so much potential in her. how old is she i wonder?
    one typo perhaps- since is supposed to be sense is it not? well it read fine anyway. great job.
    -Q
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by TechnoticQ | [ Reply to This ]



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