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HEART STALKER


Author: WaxingPoetic
ASL Info:    27 ~ Louisiana
Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 493 /563 /100
Words: 98
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1071
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 608



Description:


I think we all know a person that just doesn't give up, no matter how many times they're told it's OVER. This isn't about me, it's just about that situation.... a stalker that won't give up. A girl doing the stalking. It's way more creepy in real life, I didn't capture that aspect. PSYCHO!

I wuz about to delete this when I realized how much it SUCKED but I keep getting more comments on it every time I go to delete it. So, I'll keep it for a while... I need all the help I can get. Bring it on! Thanx.


HEART STALKER



Your contradicting smile
Has me coming back for more.
You say that you don't love me
But I don't believe you anymore.

You hold me close to you
I feel each and every breath.
I know that you still love me
I've thought about it in-depth.

I think that you are just
Afraid that I could be the one.
You think that being with me forever
Will take away your fun.

But I will win you back
I will capture your heart.
My love will draw us together
And we will never be apart.




Submitted on 2005-02-01 01:55:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I was attracted to this by the title. thinking it an interesting topic and wondering what you did with it. While the poem is fine, it doesn't have the compelling imagery, the suspense , conflict and tension that this subject would demand. This seems more like a poem about rejected love, like most CW love songs.

Technically it is fine for that genre, but doesn't evoke the kind of derranged, compulsive behavior exhibited by real stalkers. I think you realize this, judging from your own words in the description, " It's way more creepy in real life, I didn't capture that aspect. " It's not creepy at all, it just sounds like a broken hearted lover saying "someday you'll see-" Rhyme usually makes a serious or grim subject seem less so, –it has a playful lilt about it, a "sing-song" effect that minimizes the power of any sharp imagery or forceful wording.
Try again, lose the rhyme, and get "inside" the head of this stalker, -show her twisted thinking, her deliberate and calculated plans and actions to achieve her self-serving goals.

Perhaps also try not writing in the first person-because you are NOT her-you are just an observer and it is difficult to be convincing if you can't think like a stalker.It would be like me trying to write authentically in the first person about being a serial killer. I might pull it off, having read a lot of Ann rule , , if i approached it as an unseen observer, -tell us a story of her "psycho" actions in her irrational pursuit, and though you can only hint at her supposed thoughts, you also have a license when not in the first person, to create malevolent images that best describe the stalker. In the first person, you can't say "I am a crazy psycho b**ch and it's not over 'til i say it's over, and i will destroy anything in my path that i think is keeping your affection from me, because I know you love me no matter what you say, and even if you don't, you WILL -etc-
You know what I mean-go for it
Silver
| Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  Well that was really interesting! I'm not sure whether I have read any of your poems before but after reading this I think I may look up for your posts in the future!

What I really like about this poem is the main subject or the idea of the poem, I have never read a poem talking about such subject on this site or may be anywhere! And that what makes it unique, I always like reading new ideas and that was a new one (at least for me), I know that all those who commented on it said it was common and usal and all that stuff but I'm saying yes it's common and yes it's usual but I've seen no one write about that common and usual idea! So to me it's considerd new!

The poem in general is a good poem, the subject or the idea is very well presented (like I said before), but I can't say it's not well written because I don't agree with "Cinder" saying "I would suggest trying a rewrite & may be letting go of the rhyme so that you could be free to truly explore your emotions", because I think that the rhyme or the flow was simple and good, may be somehow forced but that's not a big deal!

But I can't deny that I partially agree with "Sebby" saying that those words are too simple for a crazy stalker! As he said "Most of the time, a crazy stalker wouldn't have the time or the ability to think rationally and in-depth, or they wouldn't be called crazy stalkers rite?" And I think that's right!

Anyway I really liked the last stanza, because it is considered to be the best one in the four of them, it's well written and well presented and the words are well chosen too.

"But I will win you back
I will capture your heart.
My love will draw us together
And we will never be apart."

Anyway I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end my comment by saying; Good luck and keep it up.
| Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey there...long time no see (clichés are okay in comments, right?)...K...yeah, I've been here. Might still be. This "friend" of the family just got remarried and still gets on these really creepy calling sprees, making "threats" to come over if I won't talk to her on the phone. My wife and her don't get along, so why in the hell would I talk to her? Anyway, your poem...

While I can certainly feel a hint at desperation, I'm not sure if there is the obsession that brings a stalking to mind. This may be a little too subtle. It would be nice if you spiced it up with even a line or two that adds that "creepy" feel to it. Right now, the only line that makes it seem like anything more than a person trying to win back the love of their ex is the "You say that you don't love me" line...maybe something else along these lines or better yet, something like "When I saw you with her last night, I could tell...blah, blah, blah..."...see what I'm saying? Anyway, the piece is pretty tight as is, just thought it could use a little spicing up to add some creepiness, an important staple in a stalker piece...
| Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  Yoyoyo, cool poem. BUt quite common don't you think?

Anywaes, you wanted comments on ur writing? kayz, firstly i know you have a great smile, contradicting even! But, you can't possibly love someone when you don't believe them anymore, even if they were psychotic stalkers...tsktsk, major loophole there...secondly, this is supposed to be a poem which strikes fear and disgust against the persona rite? i dun really feel that coming thru, aminly becos of several of your lines. For example: "i've thought about it in-depth." It's not enough to rhyme and sound grammatically correct, but this line does not really fit the idea of a crazy stalker. Most of the time, a crazy stalker wouldn't have the time or the ability to think rationally and in-depth, or they wouldn't be called crazy stalkers rite? Unless it's an repetition of the phrase "contradicting smile"? Thirdly, i feel the last stanza is good, capturing firmly the image of the crazy stalker. HOwever, the last stanza being the only one that does the firm capturing of your poetic intention makes it have the feel of a weak and feeble attempt, even pathetic, to try remedying the situation. I'm not trying to put you down here, my poems quite suck as much as well, even worse, but whilst i can't write poems, i can jolly well analyse them. Sorry if i;m a bit too harsh, if you ever edit, dun forget to show me. dun be angry with me...
Sebby
| Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Sebby | [ Reply to This ]
  Waxing poet -OK first of all I liked it alot but I think its just one of those poems ,you know that you hear or see every time someone breaks up with someone . Dont get me wrong I liked it But its simple and simple can be good but usually not great..-try using more words describing the people in it .Paint the pic for the reader and after you trace the people the piece finishes itself~m
| Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]


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