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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "ADOPTED"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 194
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 606
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1163



    Description:
       *this goes out to my parents for doing everything and more for me, even when they probobly shouldnt have.*~m


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"ADOPTED"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I was One,
    One not wanted by someone.
    I was 15 years old when I was told.
    I was "adopted before I was a year old.
    I was quite an expensive son.
    there to fill avoid, without ever knowing where I
    came from.
    My parents couldnt have given Me more.
    In turn I made their family a little more complete
    than it was before.
    Over time they would mold-
    making Me a man they could be proud of when
    they got old.
    Every now and again I wonder were times too
    tough?
    Did they think I would require too much of their
    time and love?
    Truth be told I love them today.
    For I know very well this wasn't the only choice
    they could have made.
    They gave Me all they could give.
    They gave Me a life to live.
    And so what if its just Me,
    Alone on my family tree.
    I am so much more because of what my
    parents instilled in me.
    And if I'm ever asked again-
    about who I really am-
    I'll say Its kind of easy to see,
    I came from them,
    The Norton Family..........~m




    Submitted on 2005-02-01 03:42:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey...

    This is possibly the best adoption poem I've ever read.

    There are things I'm gonna say that should change, and ideas or lines I might question, but those are technicalities to improve the experience a reader derives from reading your words.
    What is needed for good poetry is one of two things; a good idea or heartfelt emotion.
    I think that you took the two, rolled them into a ball and made this piece all your own.

    Some things I don't like, are all the I's and the Me's... they were annoying. I'd prefer to hear this poem read from a third person point of view, something more detatched. I know that you want to convey deepest affection/admiration/acclaim to your parents, but the fact is, you've already done that just by being completely honest. There are ways to keep it in first person too, without all the I's... it will need tweaking and editing, and I don't know if you want to do that so I'll just leave the suggestion. If you like, I can offer more insight, just PM me, n it's cool... (I get roasted a lot, when I give intense critiques to people I don't really know.)

    Anyway...
    I thought the beginning was a bit cold. It's not always a situation of not wanting a baby that causes biological parents to give children up for adoption. "Not wanted" kind of gives a bitter vibe.
    I think you left the quotes before "adopted" open. It's considered bad form to write the symbolic form of a number rather than the whole word.
    You missed a space in the third or so line with "avoid".
    The "couldn't" a bit further on is missing its apostrophe.
    I like the rhyme you're using... it's not too fast or too rigid and it just gives this piece a thoughtful lilt, because the sentences are long.
    "Did they think I would require too much of their
    time and love?" That's a good line. I like how you're thinking about your parents and what adoption meant to them. To make this line rhyme better with the one before, I'd delete "of their".
    You need a comma after "truth be told".
    And it really vibes out from there, and gets so deep that there are lines and lines I could relate to and feel for. The only niggle that came up after that was when you said what you'd say if asked about who you really are, you begin your answer with a capital Its (which needs an apostrophe after the T, btw!) but no quotes. The quotes show you're talking, so, it would take this that bit further...
    I really liked reading this and thought it was well written and intelligent. My mother is adopted, and several members of my family (including an aunt who went doolally when she found out at forty-five...) so, I have seen people who are adopted and how it affects them. I've always wondered what they think of that, inside.
    Maybe this helped me see a bit more... and that's good poetry.
    Nice one,
    Lea
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      this was nice, it had clarity and im glad you didnt clutter it with the kind of words people use which they can never balance. the part which really stood out for me was being alone on your family tree, that line was just perfect, i got the image of your name in the centre of a page, and of you sat literally in a 'family' tree as it were, but you werent sad about it, because you can choose, to look at yourself in that tree, or amongst your family in the other tree, the Norton one. thanks for shairing
    ellisa
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]
      it flows really well. wont talk behind the theme though that's pretty obvious. just on a note though have u tried rapping to this piece it goes really smooth. and the part where it says of completing the family is a really strong notion. however if u shorten a few sentences like "for i knew very well this was'nt the only choice" and receding the next line is "they could have made" there are a few more such clichés but i think if u work them it out it would settle in real good. nice work.
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by antara | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a good poem. about your own life, maybe?
    well, anyway, in its all straight forwardness it was kinda beautiful, it didn't need any weird paths or bizarre points, it just tells the story and that's it. that's something i'm not able to do, to just tell something and put it into words in this way. you know, so people would even understand the point. the rhyming and the flow was good, they really worked. you can write, that's for sure;)
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by _taateli_ | [ Reply to This ]
      I guess it fits the bill for a serious poem. I dun really noe much about poems, but hell many people only submit poems. Let me see. What can i comment on...I like the rhyming, obvious effort. THe topic was quite straightforward and the language of the poem was quite forthright and obvious. You must have great parents to be able to write such things... i can never. can see that coming thru in ur poem. Cool.
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Sebby | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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