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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Man Of Tin (unfinished)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elitegundam
    ASL Info:    25/M/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.25 - 68/90/20
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 222
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 885



    Description:
       This is still a work in progress, I just wanted to get some feedback before I write more to it...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMan Of Tin (unfinished)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Emotions simmer deep within me,
    anger steadily heating up,
    rage starts to boil, hotter than tea.
    Red hot hate, uncontained by my heart's cup.
    Fear comes next, washing over me like a sea,
    ice cold depression, freezing faster than a hold-up

    Emotions frozen deep within,
    nothing moves, everything has stopped.
    Sadness comes, sharper than a pin,
    piercing within, my heart feels like it's been dropped.
    Teardrops fall as I remember mistakes and sin.
    Empty inside, I feel like a man of tin!

    A warm breeze thaws me out,
    it's commonly known as love.
    As everything else fades, I'm left without doubt,
    that now I am free to fly like a dove,
    joy returns, I'd been a waste without,
    and I look down at the emotions I'm soaring above.




    Submitted on 2005-02-01 11:02:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Personally,I think it's fine. You can leave it at this. The way the last stanza balances out the anger and depression with love - that's fantastic. I'd say stick with it.
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good, I like the honesty here, men are rarely honest, lol, j/k... I really like this though, if it cussed, I would say its on its way to a slipknot song... slipknot is my fav. band by the way... the only part I didn't like was the end, it was kinda cliché, the part about the dove, just to cliché... but you can easily fix that, just delete that line and hit it with a burst of creativity, I can see you did it to rhyme but if you don't rhyme that is ok, just rid yourself of the cliché...
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by ViCiOuSWrItEr | [ Reply to This ]



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