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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Firstdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xtremegentleman
    ASL Info:    22/m/FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.57 - 595/778/82
    Words: 454
    Class/Type: Poetry/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 1284
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2499



    Description:
       This was something that I wanted to deal with because a lot of young girls go through this and are afraid to talk about it. And I challenged myself to write something from a woman's point of view. So here it is and I respect all comments.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Firstdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mom, how was your day? Oh it was nice...Mine was fine
    Yeah, it always is just as long as the sun shines
    But mom, there is something that has really been on my mind
    And I think that we should talk...I hope you have the time

    Have a seat...this is going to get deep
    But I have to let you know or I won't get much more sleep
    I think it is fair to say that I'm a woman in my prime
    And I'd like to tell you everything about my first time

    It happened in your bed. Mom, please don't get upset
    But he started touching me and he made my stuff get wet
    I asked what was happening and he said that all was well
    So I stretched out on the bed and enjoyed how his hand felt

    He rubbed me here and there, he ran his fingers through my hair
    He told me to relax, that's what he whispered in my ear
    And so I did. After all, he was someone that I could trust
    But little did I know I'd be a victim of his lust

    He lifted up my shirt and he kissed my forming breast
    Then he took my hands and made me rub them on his chest
    He then took off his pants, kissed my cheek, un-buttoned mine
    Then told me that he loved me and everything would turn out fine

    I closed my eyes as he reached up and pulled my panties down
    Then he told me it would hurt but I shouldn't make a sound
    So I grabbed his arms and quenched as he pushed it inside of me
    I tried not to scream--I wanted him to be proud of me

    But it hurt and I cried and I begged that he would cease
    Yet my pleading went unheard as he danced inside of me
    I couldn't run, I couldn't fight! I was his for this one night
    And he stopped after a thrust...I saw blood when he flipped the lights

    He didn't speak but my tears induced his voice
    He said I better not ever tell you and that it really was not a choice
    And I said, "It hurts so bad" but he looked at me and laughed
    He said get up, he'd change the sheets and that I should go take a bath

    Yes, right here in your bed I experienced a brutal hurt
    And for a very long time it made me second guess my worth
    Mom, please don't cry yet because the story gets much worst
    I was only 12 years old and daddy was my first








    Submitted on 2005-02-01 17:13:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      Goodness Gracious Im Speechless. That was really powerful and gripping, Im pretty much stunned right now, well about the poem, to say the least the imagery was definitely there you really caprured it in this poem. The sad thing is that there is many girls that have to go through that hell I t took some serious gutts to write that .

    much LOVE
    JAmes

    P.S. Check out some of my stuff Its not like that but you might like them
    | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by James Reyna | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...This seriously goes like really deep. I've never experienced this stuff, and really never really thought about it...but wow I mean it really get's you're mind going and realizing that if you think you're life is cruddy you should look around because other peoples are a lot worse.

    Anyhow...someone said that the beging was a little choppy and quite frankly, I must agree. I think it's mainly just the first stanza and the first line of the second stanza. I'm not going to tell you how you can fix it...because to be honest...I don't even know : But anyhow..those are my thoughts
    | Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by AllyKatR | [ Reply to This ]
      LOL, your marketing tactic worked :P...I read IT'S JUST BUSINESS and that piqued my interest on this poem :) very creative very unique (ok, I'm using "unique" way too much today :P)...Nothing really to critique as everything flowed well...and on your journal, it's kind of ironic, you make a good point about marketing and using the sight to build a fan base. It's an awesome strategy, you spell it out for people, and half the people on this sight won't have the attention span to read it :P...

    Keep up the good stuff

    STW
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem was amazingly written. It really hit me on a personal level. I knew it was going to end up like this and it is heart breaking. I really like the way you built it up. You did a really impressive job capturing the emotion and pain that many who have suffered from sexual abuse have felt. Very impressive write. I look forward to reading more on your poems.
    | Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by EL | [ Reply to This ]
      A great poem(staring at the screen) This poem is one of the greatest little bro has done. This is why he is the X. Meaning example for those who are just starting out.
    | Posted on 2005-04-20 00:00:00 | by SmoothePapa | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to say that this one really hits home for me. I was molested many times as a child, and I know the pain. You truly showed the emotion and detail that many of us girls go through when this happens.
    Not only was I a victim of molestation, but as I got older I was also a victim of rape 6 times. The terror and pain that women go through is beyond belief and I am glad that now some men are seeing this and helping spread the word about how devastating it can be.
    Thank You for sharing your work with me.

    Could you please check out some of mine when you have the time??
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      as i am too lazy to read other comments, i don't know if anyone said this before... when he said that he'd change the sheets i found it somewhat strange... yet, i can't help but be awed for you kept the lines rather long, yet i did not get bored, and you managed to keep the rhyme extremely well... detail by detail... word by word... your work really allows the message to be heard
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by sailorliones | [ Reply to This ]
      Can you please come here and help me lift my jaw from the floor. *gasps for air* The last line. OMG! You had me going just thinking that it was another guy but her father. OMG! You have a mind that can go places most can't. You can touch virgin subjects and make them acceptable. You did this and didn't over kill it. You left it sensitive for it is a sensitive subject.

    P.s.-My jaw...hello? help please?
    | Posted on 2005-02-08 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      Where did this come from. Did a friend share this with you. I mean I know men that can sympotise with a female but to write something like this from a female perspective. How did you do that. I don't think I could write from a mans point of view let alone something go emotional. Great job! Share some depth with your boys so maybe there will be a few more men on earth that can truely see a females inner self as clearly as yourself.
    This comment might sound a little confussing but it is coming from a beautiful 30 year old women who has meet a lot of men but never one that could come close to capturing a feeling like this from a females perspective.
    Nice job I'm sure the ladies you know are happy with you cause if you are on this level in any other situations your the man! Peace!
    Tameson
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by Tameson | [ Reply to This ]
      that was real deep. not many ppl have the courage to go through retelling that horrific moment. i too was raped but by a close uncle and i have yet to come to terms with it. reading your poem did reopen forgotten wounds but i must thank you cuz your courage has given me the strength to come to terms with my demons. thank you and keep writing!
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by secretdream0 | [ Reply to This ]
      I may be made the badd guy (but I am- so I donít care) Thys was great- but not for any reasons stated. Donít get me wrong - itís a phenomenal poem and I lyke it. But it cracked me up! Hard-core. Iím crying too- but only because Iím laughing so much... I guess it takes a soul lyke myne to find humor in something lyke thys. But I did- Itís lyke a fu<ked up lullaby- I was singing it with a happi tune... lolfull! Iím not anyoneís target demographic... -#6
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
      It takes real guts to write about something like this. Especially when you're a guy. (Based on what I know. My guy friends would never do anything like writing this). This happened to a good friend of mine and it does happen. It displays a really good message while still being poetic. Good poetry, horrible, sad, yet true subject. Best wishes, and I give you my upmost respect. ~SirensSong~
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by SirensSong | [ Reply to This ]
      Omg...this made chills go down my spine. I really didn't even expect this. It was one of the saddest pieces i have read on this site. I think it had so much emotion. It was written so well....even though you are a guy and it was written in a girls point of view. I really never saw anyone write something as well as you with a differnt sex point of view. I think you did a marvoulus job on this, and i hope to read more of whatyou write in the future.

    I think this may even be helpful to girls that don't know how to tell their mother about a situation like this. It is very hard for a person to admit something like this.

    much love to ya
    mikki
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG this is so sad...wow this is amazing...omg...i thought this was going to be bout a boyfriend ya knwo being a jackass and pushing her into banging...but omg i love the way you wrote this...its amazing how you could be able to put all the emotion into it and nice job writing from female point of view...omg im crying...thanx for writing this


    Rhaine
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Rhaine | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my gosh. This is wonderful, well in its own right. You met your challenge, and I wish I was as strong as this girl you posed to be, I wish I had the strength to tell.
    This has such wonderful detail and it is just... wow.
    You have a wonderful gift, please keep sharing it.

    Rain
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      This was just a horrific write. and your right sadly this does go on everyday.

    this piece did start of a bit choppy but seemed to come together there at the end. perhaps you may want to muse more on the first part and see if you can get it as smooth as your other posts.
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my God... I wasn't expecting that. That is so deep. How exactly did you come up with that anyway? Please don't tell me it happened to someone you know... I think you did an excellent job writing from a female perspective, but also in writing from a rape victim's perspective. When I first saw the title I thought it was going to be about your first time, how it was on the girl's parent's bed or something like that, but that completely caught me off guard. You know what? I commend you for writing this; I think any teenage girl that has experienced it should read this, and maybe they could find the courage to tell someone about what happened to them... You are an amazing writer, so please keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      well i have to say that this is very powerful and not may people want to think that that stuff happens but i applaud you for bringing up such a touch subject. i like how you had the victom finnaly go to the mother for help i hope that this will help girls that get in this sittuation be brave and get help. great write good flow.

    lia
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      wow....umm.....crying....sorry....I can't say much about this....I guess I can relate...though it's quite sad...and even sadder I know a lot of others who can to....it's a good poem.....thanks
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by reveries | [ Reply to This ]
      Shocking to say the least but very well written. You manage to portray an innocence throughout the poem only to drop the bomb at the end... nice build-up. For the sake of keeping the rhythm consistent I would suggest you remove the word 'then' from the line 'He then took off his pants, kissed my cheek, un-buttoned mine'. Extremely well done and the true sign of an artist - to take yourself above the expected and produce something so startingly brilliant.
    | Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      jesus [censored] crist...that was...ive been through alot of..that with my friends two that actually have told me the others... yeah. this was a sick but very good write. it sucks that people can stoop so low to do that to another person younger and weaker then them and for what a laugh, joke, to relish in there mind there that [censored]ed up. i now have a new goal and it will be to put a poem about every day things and try to put it in a 3rd person perspective.
    thank you for the reality check for any one who hasnt had to deal with this subject thanks for the write.

    ace
    | Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Ace | [ Reply to This ]
      I know so much what it is. I read this and cried because I was scared to open my mouth. It's all good now, I did finally. Its deep. You got the perspective right. Only when you're telling your knees wabble, your voice shakes, your holding back the tears, and you can't help but hope that they believe you. Its awful and I don't ever wish this on anyone. I want to know how you thought up this topic though. This isn't an everyday write. But you did an awesome job with it.
    Blessed Be!
    | Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by Sarah Leger | [ Reply to This ]
      I wasn't expecting anything like that. Maybe a little bit. That's so sad. And to have the pain of that, I can't even imagine what was going through her mind. Where did you get this idea from? It had excellent form.

    Amy
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ]
      ...

    Im seriously speechless... Its so hard to believe that people really stoop to the low and do this sort of thing... I really dont know how else to say, it... This writing has hit me so hard...Its amazing... Your portrayal of this little girl is so vivid and scarring, I doubt that I will ever forget it. This is an Exquisite Writing...
    .Caleb.
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Exquisite_Death | [ Reply to This ]


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