Description: Trying out a new style. All feedback is welcome and highly appreciated.
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It's funny how a principle you've lived with your whole life can start to backfire on you...
The Rape of Eden -------------------------------------------
The maiden danced in the clearing
To a steady melody
That wrapped its way through the leaves
Her eyes mimicking a butterfly’s wings
Stayed with the beat
And her lips would open and close quickly
As her throat tried to mimic
Beauty that exists only because the Muses conceded.
Her hands, connected to snow white wrists
Traced nets to catch the notes that glide through the air.
She danced on and on unaware
Of the frigid blue eyes absorbing her.
He was a fine specimen of a man.
Strong hands attached to stronger arms
And a sturdy back.
His golden hair shamed the sun
That could not melt his frozen eyes,
Which danced with the maiden’s reflection.
His feet carried him swiftly
And before his quick mind could keep up
With his hasty strides
The maiden was mere inches away.
A fire burned within the frost
An emotion had been kindled
That would shame every man’s mother.
His presence tore the sheet music of the Gods
And the startled beauty turned
With curiosity dripping off her berry stained lips.
A tentative hand reached out and stroked
His silken hair and his porcelain face.
Never in all her earthly years
Had she seen a creature such as this.
Her hand on his face and mankind’s Shame
Was all he needed.
All too quickly and much too soon
Her white dress faded to a misery filled brown
With patches of red marking the crime and the injustice.
He walked away after Shame had his way.
He could not remember why he had come so close
There was nothing of beauty in the dirty girl
On the dark forest floor.
The heavens bemoaned the tragedy
That happened under their watch.
The Muses would never sing that fateful song again.
The maiden picked up her tattered form
And swayed back and forth asking the air for support.
She could not hear the music
And her wrists had become too stiff to move to the beat.
As she walked through the dark woods
To a cool river to wash away the mud
The wood nymphs would turn and whisper
And the story would spread
From one end of time to the next.
The day the gods stood by
And watched the Rape of Eden.
intersting poem i could see every moment of it. It even got to me when i was listening to disturbed (hard rock band). That takes a lot of talent to catch my eye when im feeling in such a bad mood. I was looking to comment on a poem that matched my mood but yours was so interesting i had to comment on it. im putting it in my favorites
...wow... what an awesome poem.. I was enthralled.. well, as far as im concerned (im no proffesional) but this is perfect.. dont change it. I dont know exactly the deeper meaning that you are implying.. maybe its biblical.. that Adam wanted more than just to live in a paradise.. he wanted control he wanted knowledge of the unknown.. but this destroyed the magic of it all. Whatever deeper meaning it has.. i think it is just an awesome poem by itself. uh.. if you want to explain the underlying meaning i would be interested.. but thanx for this so much.. it was the title that caught my attention Shaun
Hi Maria! First comment: It's ambitious, but it's also long. Secondly your theme is of mixed ancestry. Eden is part of the Judaeo-Christian creation myth together with Adam, a serpent and the one true God. You have in your poem Gods (plural), muses and wood nymphs, i you have given it a Greek setting. I think your poem would work better if you chose one or other of the settings (seeing Adam as the first rapist would in fact be an incredibly potent idea. However the loss of Eden (Paradise) associated with the rape of the first innocent maiden is also a powerful idea which you convey well in your poem. It is certainly a poem to get one thinking. I can see a possible angle on Adam as the first innocent rapist! Is this the flaw in God's design, that the urge to procreate has to be incredibly strong to ensure teh survival of the species and therefore in some males (Adam included?) overrides any finer feelings?
intersting poem i could see every moment of it. It even got to me when i was listening to disturbed (hard rock band). That takes a lot of talent to catch my eye when im feeling in such a bad mood. I was looking to comment on a poem that matched my mood but yours was so interesting i had to comment on it. im putting it in my favorites
Normaly I shun long poetry. The mix of fantasy and truth is an intresting combination when talkng about faries in Eden and how they interact with Adam.
Personal trajedy is a good motivator for this poem. However the subject matter would pervoke thoughts of blasphamy in some minds.
It dose raise some concers for me on the previously mentioned. But with those aside it is a good ambitious peice.
It has goo strong elemens with sorrow and the coruption of the inocense is the poems best quality.
its kinda late right? ya but I had to comment on this especially because i started my comments on it earlier.Ok... I loved the imagery, which along with your usage of words seems be your strong point. I can almost see this as it happens you paint a perfect picture of it all. I can hear the music she dances to, I can see the Gods adoring her and I can see HIM.(By the way, I seem to fear and like this character all at once, so is that me reacting to the poem, or are u the writer manipulating my feelings w/ ur words? Just something to think about) His character seems to be described the best. Through him you use your great wording plus the imagery. This right here is exactly what I mean: "His golden hair shamed the sun That could not melt his frozen eyes," The juxtaposition of his frozen eyes and the sun is so well thought out. The best things about writing is you dont think of this at the moment, you dont sit down and try to put it together. But, only through true talent just brings this together. And through this contrast you can see the diffrent sides of this person his own contradiction: what he wants, and what he gets. Aesthetically, this is very good. By the way long poetry seems to work for you. Good Stuff man.
Submission Name: The Rape of Eden
