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    dots Submission Name: the mandots

    Author: lynn7
    ASL Info:    43/ St. Augustine, FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.38 - 419/288/103
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 961
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 757


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe mandots

    the world is going sideways
    the man is standing still
    the breeze of tomorrow
    is floating through his will
    so much talent
    so much to waste
    so many dreams
    floating unto space
    he gives up on life
    he can't find a way
    for the passion to free today
    so he just sits and watches
    the world go astray

    Even if he wanted to
    what good would he make
    there's so much opposition
    too much of it is fake
    so much is a show
    for all to see
    to deceive to weak
    to condemn the free

    he dreams sometimes of a song
    a sweet melody
    to ease the mind and set
    the spirits free

    Submitted on 2005-02-02 22:22:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good write. The flow was good. I felt that if the rhymes where split, it would read better, also commas are needed. Otherwise, good write.
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      So much "so's" nice though and very expressive me like
    so much talent
    so much to waste
    so many dreams
    floating unto space
    keep up the work peace & stay safe...
    | Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
      The imagery of the first four lines definitly grabbed my attention. After that, vague lines, instead of specific details, distance the reader from the subject of the poem ( not always a bad thing). It also seemed that some of the rhyme as forced, as if a better word could have been chosen if there were not already a rhyming format. This is a problem I also struggle with, and have not really found a good solution except by taking a lot of time to think it over. I thought the brevity of the final stanza helped wrap things up, and it was easy to relate to. Keep writing!
    | Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by russiangopher | [ Reply to This ]

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