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    dots Submission Name: Way to hidedots

    Author: Dana
    ASL Info:    23/F/Dreamland
    Elite Ratio:    3.98 - 79/87/26
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Poetry/Mirror or Mask
    Total Views: 1031
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 410


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    dotsWay to hidedots

    Her silence keeps all the secrets
    Under its spacious blanket of soul
    It keeps her so safe and sound
    If no secrets were revealed
    No harm could ever befall her

    She is hiding her real identity silently
    No one could ever guess
    What storm is hidden
    Under this mask of hers
    This is the way she is hiding from others

    by DANA 2004

    Submitted on 2005-02-03 09:22:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like the flow, the progression and the images. I very much enjoyed reading this.

    I run into a problem with "her" in this context:

    > It keeps her so safe and sound

    Who is "her"? One would assume it to be "secrets", but apparently it is not. Maybe if you started out with:

    "Her silence keeps all her secrets"

    Then it would be clear that "her" is neither the silence nor the secrets: they both belong to "her".
    Next, "If nothing could reach her" is a bit abstract. I might relate it back to the previous lines, perhaps something like this:

    "If no secrets were revealed,
    No harm could ever befall her."

    > She is hiding her real entity silently

    This use of "entity" is unusual. It's not incorrect, though. Still, I might consider this; it's more easily understood:

    "She is hiding her real identity silently"

    > "What a storm is hidden"

    The article is a problem. This is a very difficult problem for anyone (_everyone_, in my opinion) who is not a native English speaker. Try this (the "a" is removed):

    "What storm is hidden
    Under this mask of hers"

    I am profoundly impressed that you can write like this in your second language. Bravo!
    | Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]

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