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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Free! Take One!!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MyX
    ASL Info:    27/m/Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 932/973/107
    Words: 431
    Class/Type: Rant/
    Total Views: 2058
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3081



    Description:
       This write broke my silence...finally.





    -MyX


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFree! Take One!!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Free! Take One!!

    The horse must be fate’s greatest masterpiece.
    Because indeed,
    Life is a fucking merry go round.
    A potluck for your elected rationale.
    A buffet for your ravenous taking.
    We manage to still live inside of our heads
    As who we want to be.
    Yet how do we remain so tightfisted
    When all of our hands are stuck inside
    Of the same cookie jar
    Of gluttony for punishment.
    With our fallaciously retained desires of
    A wealthy man’s voluptuous bride
    A politicians elastic candor
    A manikins superlative shell
    A prodigy’s revolutionary visions
    A preacher’s miraculous dreams
    A philosophers bottomless understanding
    And an infant’s unconditional love and care.

    How is it that we spend our lives
    In modulation of our personal worth
    The pillory of self absorption
    Like a ticking time bomb
    Of your denied truths.
    Deception beckons reasoning
    Amour becomes insecurity
    Attractive becomes detractive
    Where acceptable becomes cringe worthy
    And normality is insane.
    The ring around the Rosie makes its descent
    From earth’s gravity and it all comes down to
    My smiling and thanking an arthritic elderly lady
    After charging her nine dollars for a tube of menthol cream
    It all comes down to the condescension we endure from the 5 o’clock news
    It all comes down to the piles of magazines
    In a cosmetic surgeon’s waiting room.
    It all comes down to channeling the suppression of my laughter
    Into polite smiles when existing amongst my peers.
    It all comes down to the robotic tone of which
    the school children recite the Pledge of Allegiance





    Hot ticket
    Moonlight
    Empty teaspoons
    New machines
    Try anew
    Hula hoop
    The loops that you’re jumping through.

    As understanding slips through our frozen fingers
    We sing along
    Eternally
    Silence will suffice.
    We dually digress.

    So if I keep my belt tight
    And my posture straight.
    I wear my best suit
    And treat everyone like they want to fuck me.
    I can change the world.

    We are paralyzed my friends.
    Your environment envelops your caged soul
    I’m afraid.
    Our dialogue amongst each other
    Merely equates with consistently foretold vices of reason.
    Its wrong to drink and dream
    And bellow in your thoughts through the bottom of a glass.
    You must earn money
    Spread your blood.
    Drive your car.
    Talk on your phone.
    Turn on your television.
    Fuck your spouse.
    Clean your plate.
    Pick up your prescriptions.
    And live happily ever after.
    At least until we dispense the remains of our lives
    Crawling out from the hollow of our shallow mouths.






    Submitted on 2005-02-03 11:58:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey there! I really enjoyed this write! Very intellectual and speaks volumes of truth! I read this twice as I wanted to make sure I got all of it! Reality sucks don't it? Society is a joke, full of fake, selfish people...and lets not forget shallow! This is a tremendous expression of thought and I think it is just great stuff! Nice writing! Take care.
    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      did you know that goosebumps can speak?

    i just love a nice cup of self-realization. it goes down well with that slap in the face to society. as the world advances, society's intelligence decreases. of course, that's just my observation.

    "And treat everyone like they want to [censored] me.
    I can change the world."
    i love those lines! sounds like the piggish american version of "confidence".

    keep it up, mr. myx.
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by dark_and_dreary | [ Reply to This ]
      Dually Digress, I loved that play on words.
    Another charming rant aginst the machine sir.
    Yes, we're just cannon fodder in the war on poverty. Hell, you can't even slip away and off yourself in secret to cheat the government out of their pound of flesh. After you are missing so long they'll formally declare you dead and divvy up the spoils, tax man first, and your relatives next.
    But I digress,
    dually,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      I so understand your displeasure. however, I still would not want to live in Iraq. I am grateful for many things here. and I have to agree with alot of what you say, because it is the unadulterated truth. but it probably won't change anything anytime soon. unfortunately. keep up the great writing though. it might get through to someone who can change it.
    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, Merry-GO-Rounds are boring, but when it's the only ride you're not afraid to go on...well

    It's a good comeback, I think. And I was beginning to miss your rants...I like the way you presented your point, and I also liked the merry-go-round concept as well as the ring around the posies...we all spin within the spin. I'll never really get it, maybe never really try, but I'll do my part with the rest of them..exist and wish.

    Good to have ya back...hope everything's better than it is.
    | Posted on 2005-02-11 00:00:00 | by Kristina9178 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well mama always said if you didn't have something nice to say, don't say anything.
    So it's great for you to break the silence with writing I can really enjoy. Look,
    sit up straighten your tie and change my fuc.king world you son.of.a.bi.tch.
    I'll clean my plate for you, honest.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-02-10 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      this has you usual undertones of sarcasm and disdain towards our [american] society. and i like it.
    i felt like i have read this somewhere before, and i think it is a culmination of all your writes that i have read over the past year all amassing to the a similar thing in my head.
    and i have no problem with that because it is pretty fresh here.
    you have an abundance of things to look at here that i dont really know where to start.
    i think i will start with what i like.
    the repetitions here are effective. they knock at your head like all the things you speak of. like all the fu-cking adverts in a film or sports game. like all the talk of losing weight even though you dont need to. like cutting your face into a different shape because you dont look like those on the front of cosmopolitan magazine. we never hear the end of these types of things and your repetition plays on this.
    you have some nice plays on cliché terms, which you reverse or mess about with. this is effective because it takes what we know and questions it.
    the undercurrrents of targeting and mockery within your piece is well directed and subtle [in places]
    in some of your earlier pieces you overused expletives in my opinion and though good they are, the effectiveness in such is in its surprise.
    the depth of your work is credible. you can see that pieces like these are taken on life experiences; like a diary of events as you see it, and this does not take 5 minutes to accrue these, it can take years. and this depth and almost carbon dating way of writing [minus a few thousand years] means there is a lot to take onboard and many more than just one read to fully grasp everything you are commenting on.
    i also enjoy the difference between the names and products and way of life that you show in america in comparison to over here in the uk, and sometimes it is like a translation excercise for me.
    and i like the challenge.

    i would question your organisation and use of punctuation here. i dont think the capitalisation of every line works. because you have so much in here, i think you cant commit yourself to any 'style' when you have so much within. i think you need to let it 'be' more; let it move and stop and start as it wants to. there seems to be a slight conflict between the two, for example;
    'As understanding slips through our frozen fingers
    We sing along
    Eternally
    Silence will suffice.
    We dually digress.'
    this is a little confusing because of your use of punctuation.
    and again here:
    'So if I keep my belt tight
    And my posture straight.
    I wear my best suit'
    your full stop seems to halt what you are trying to say.
    and here;
    'We are paralyzed my friends.
    Your environment envelops your caged soul
    I’m afraid.'
    do you mean you are literally afraid or is this a colloquial term?
    i think it is the latter, but with so much in your piece things like this should be clear.
    you have given us enough to swallow as it is.
    you slightly overuse the colloquial in my opinion, and i think you have enough skill in your writing to not use the amout of rhetoric [incidentally you do so without question marks]
    that you do and not use such terms as the following;
    'We are paralyzed [my friends]'
    and
    'I’m afraid.'

    to give you a few examples of how you could seperate your stanzas as they read could be:
    'How is it that we spend our lives
    In modulation of our personal worth
    The pillory of self absorption
    Like a ticking time bomb
    Of your denied truths.
    Deception beckons reasoning
    Amour becomes insecurity
    Attractive becomes detractive
    Where acceptable becomes cringe worthy
    And normality is insane.
    The ring around the Rosie makes its descent
    From earth’s gravity and it all comes down to
    My smiling and thanking an arthritic elderly lady
    After charging her nine dollars for a tube of menthol cream

    [insert gap here]

    It all comes down to the condescension we endure from the 5 o’clock news
    It all comes down to the piles of magazines
    In a cosmetic surgeon’s waiting room.
    It all comes down to channeling the suppression of my laughter
    Into polite smiles when existing amongst my peers.
    It all comes down to the robotic tone of which
    the school children recite the Pledge of Allegiance'


    'We are paralyzed my friends.
    Your environment envelops your caged soul
    I’m afraid.
    Our dialogue amongst each other
    Merely equates with consistently foretold vices of reason.

    [you could insert gap here]

    Its wrong to drink and dream
    And bellow in your thoughts through the bottom of a glass.

    [and/or here]

    You must earn money
    Spread your blood.
    Drive your car.
    Talk on your phone.
    Turn on your television.
    [censored] your spouse.
    Clean your plate.
    Pick up your prescriptions.
    And live happily ever after.
    At least until we dispense the remains of our lives
    Crawling out from the hollow of our shallow mouths.'

    i like the way you build towards your ending. it is so important to make the ending poignant. you build your ending to a climax and that makes your ending more powerful. and you also leave us with something to think about and one last stab.
    and an appropriate place to bring your to a close.
    good to see you back?
    we shall see
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...this was something my friend...I never read anything by you...but I am glad you broke your silence...

    This is a interesting take on the world...in my eyes it shows me how [censored]ed up things really are...

    sorry for the lame comment

    Peace and Harmony

    Shawn
    | Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by armand | [ Reply to This ]
      that is a fu-cking freaky photo.
    i hope that is not you!
    it is late, and your avatar has scared me so i am going to have to go to bed and come back in the morning.
    hopefully by then i will have recovered enough to come back and make a comment.
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      It's a bit of a delirious rant but it sounds pretty cliché, as if I've heard it all before in some movie made by a communist student wanting to change the materialistic world.

    A useful random fact would be that the bruto IQ of the US drops with 2 points a year because the less intellectualy gifted part of the population outbreeds the intellectuals.

    Regarding the rest of the piece, it's a bit too screamy as if each lines tries to out scream the previous line, but it doesn't. Perhaps grabbing 6 of these poems, taking the best parts, and merging it into 1 decently sized poem might work. Something tells me you probably wrote many poems like these before, though I could be mistaken.

    Another option would be to create a background story to project things on, like a smurf eating mushrooms and taking a delusional walk through smurf ville while having a bad trip. That would make it more entertaining (meaning less boring).

    By now you're probably wondering if I'm just trying to annoy you, boost my commenting word count, or both. I am clueless myself, so keep it up :)
    | Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      ...and all because you had to charge some old shrew nine dorras for a tube of creme de menthe.
    here on this sceptered isle of course, we get to charge the better part of ten. despite being the beneficiaries of a health service that used to be held up as 'free at the point of need' and you rant in I suppose the most poetic way I have seen to read.
    and of course, like a diary this is beyond the scope of readers' cut and paste mania. it is complete as it is warts and all, so stands or not, depending on how stupefied we have become.
    thankfully, it seems that you have not been snorting the profits and your radar remains as acute as a cute moth of some sort.
    ascerbic and vitriolic and a sense of the shambolic as you lock up and swallow the key.
    k
    | Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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