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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Staticdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 871
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 374



    Description:
       I started writing this intending to have it turn out as something else. But, well, this is how it turned out, and the piece that it didn't turn out to be will hopefully be written in the future, if I can still pull it off.
    >I've edited only 2 lines, more to come, cuz I can't remember them off the top of my head at the moment.

    >More edits! Long overdue! I wanted to fix it up, for some reason, though I'm sure no one will ever read it (such is the long abandon of my writing and my beind 'in' with the site).


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStaticdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Do you remember dreams?
    Do fragments of a night spent boundless
    surface to consciousness?
    The blurry faces
    and hazy places
    are freakish mismatches
    to your reality.
    When sound and sight fail,
    and static is left,
    you blink
    and wonder why
    you are still acclimatised
    to the delusive atmosphere.




    Submitted on 2005-02-03 13:00:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow I really liked this one. It seems quite raw though, did you edit much of it? Either way it's absolutely awesome. I loved the "freakish mismatches" line and "you blind and wonder why..." mainly cuz I can just see your face doing just that, haha. No really, it's a great line. What I don't like is "Play their way" I think you could use a much better word than play. I'd give you my suggestions but I don't want to, I want you to think on your own what could be better. Definitely one of my favorites though. Some big words that could definitely be simplified, but it'd be hard with the exact feeling you are trying to describe so I wouldn't change it. keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
      I had fun reading this piece.

    > freakish mismatches

    I read this out loud, and discovered that you've got a bona fide tongue-twister here! haha!

    > There are some faces,
    > there are some places,
    > freakish mismatches
    > to your reality.

    I'm not sure this works well here. On my first read I thought I was looking at an incomplete sentence. Not so, technically, but "There are" makes me want the rest of a sentence. Maybe there's a different way to insert these fragments, and not leave the reader searching for the rest of the sentence? Maybe something like this:

    Are there some faces,
    some places,
    freakish mismatches
    to your reality?

    Then it would couple itself to the preceding lines, and fit with the flow. It does change the meaning somewhat, though.

    > acclimatised -> acclimatized (sp - you could probably get away with this if you were British, but my dictionary doesn't list it as a British spelling, either).

    > delusive atmosphere.

    Cool!!! I've never used "delusive". It surprised me here, and it works very well. Overall, this piece works well, and I loved reading it. Gonna go read it again.
    bent
    | Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]


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