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    dots Submission Name: the battle between usdots

    Author: theman
    ASL Info:    21/m/mn
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 496/478/149
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 764
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 830


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    dotsthe battle between usdots

    Today was a day not to be forgotten
    you mother fucker
    I can't be taught
    your not my dad
    how sad
    the battle between us
    can't be won
    Iím not your son
    the pressure of killing you
    is a ton
    Today was a day not to be forgotten
    the word fight is a metaphor for
    Iím going to kill you
    yet, Iím still thankful for taking care
    of my mother
    It bothers me we can't stop hits battle between us
    I was the man of the house before you came
    it should be the same
    I love my brother and my sister
    but I can't be there
    for one reason
    is the reason
    I can't lie
    I didn't show respect
    in other words
    It takes respect to get respect.

    Submitted on 2005-02-03 13:58:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this has a good message but needs just a little work. The rhyming kinda stops in the middle. It starts out rhyming then stops and the starts again. The way you broke up some of the lines made it kinda awkward. This is a very sad poem and I think it has potential to be wonderful. It's already really good andwith a little fixing up I think it would be better. I hope I helped and didn't get on your nerves or anything...I know some people don't like these kind of comments...and I always feel funny saying oh you could change this and this would sound better. But I'm just trying to help...so thats all. Nice write!
    | Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by MyKemicalfailur | [ Reply to This ]

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