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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Clouds of our summerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dana
    ASL Info:    23/F/Dreamland
    Elite Ratio:    3.98 - 79/87/26
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1047
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1017



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsClouds of our summerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wake up in the meadow of your delicious kisses
    Where flowers have the taste of sweet berries and fruits
    I get lost in sunflowers and see the glory of the sun
    Shining bright on my face, it’s your warm angel smile
    I enjoy every shiny ray of it and it warms up my heart
    We lie down in floral sheets to watch the clouds
    Reaching the art of the beautiful sky

    Dark, blue blanket falls upon you and me
    It is covering us with the powerful vision
    We’re kissing the fluffy, white clouds
    So anxious to caress them with our eyes
    We can see our fantasies and dreams
    Painted on canvas of the blue sky
    Exhibited in the broad daylight

    Our dreams, so naive, fragile as glass
    Falling on us like millions of pearls and stars
    We feel the rainfall of fantasies on our skin
    We’re trying to catch every fall and sink in
    Till we touch the clouds of our summer

    © by DANA 2004




    Submitted on 2005-02-03 16:04:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      omg once again;> i just love the way you describe everything so detailed. i can see the clouds and the sky and smell the flowers and taste the berries and feel the fluffiness of the clouds..

    We’re kissing the fluffy, white clouds
    So anxious to caress them with our eyes

    this one sounded so..great. beautiful. kissing the fluffy white clouds...how do you come up with these things?:>> it all sounds just so romantic and beautiful and- have you fallen in love or something..?;>

    Our dreams, so naive, fragile as glass
    Falling on us like millions of pearls and stars
    We feel the rainfall of fantasies on our skin

    the rainfall of fantasies...i adore your metaphors and the way you play with the words. this really sounds like love, when you've just fallen in love and everything is so sweet and beautiful and glittering.

    "the moment of our love";> take care<3
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by _taateli_ | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this because it gives off alot of luscious images... of soft lips, berries, and love... but the only downside, is it is hard to stray away from cliché when writing this particular type of poem, I would say you did a pretty good job, except for angel smile, fluffy white clouds, and I think that is it... I think to help you with changing that is to try and really decribe, it helps get away from the cliché thing, like if you wanted to stress the the smile was angelic you could say something like: A smile that whispers a million fairies. Or something like that. In general, I would say this is a really good poem, just don't get caught up in easy cliché.
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by ViCiOuSWrItEr | [ Reply to This ]
      Dark, blue blanket falls upon you and me
    It is covering us with the powerful vision
    We’re kissing the fluffy, white clouds
    So anxious to caress them with our eyes
    We can see our fantasies and dreams
    Painted on canvas of the blue sky
    Exhibited in the broad daylight



    Well dana... your into da love poetry I can see. It was a little stickly, lika cotton candy...

    but one verse, the first couple of lines I found quite appealing


    Dark, blue blanket falls upon you and me
    It is covering us with the powerful vision
    We’re kissing the fluffy, white clouds
    (But kissin da fluffy white clouds, eh that;s was too much fer me)


    So anxious to caress them with our eyes (nice)
    We can see our fantasies and dreams
    Painted on canvas of the blue sky
    Exhibited in the broad daylight
    | Posted on 2005-02-06 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      hello there.
    your imagery here is very natural and bright and this relates to your subject. evrything is so dreamy and delicate.
    and so this is fine.
    however there are two things that are very prohibitive in this piece, in my opinion, and make it difficult for me to appreciate as it should be.
    the first is the lack of punctuation.
    you have many lines with a mouthful of words and yet you offer almost nothing to control our eyes.
    nothing to slow us down.
    or speed us up.
    or hold us at any one point.
    as a result of this the piece reads in a breathless way and like a list.
    and this has the effect of us just scanning through ths piece without really taking any of the pertinent imagery in, because we are already at the next point.
    with so many words per line we need time to take them in and appreciate what you are trying to tell us. we need time for the pictures and imagery to evolve in our minds so we can appreciate them.
    i would say that i read this piece in about 15-20 seconds, and that is not enough.
    and the second is your serious overuse of cliché:
    'I wake up in the meadow '
    and
    'see the glory of the sun
    Shining bright on my face, it’s your warm angel smile'
    and
    'I enjoy every shiny ray of it and it warms up my heart'
    and
    'to caress them with our eyes
    We can see our fantasies and dreams'
    and
    'Painted on canvas of the blue sky'
    and
    'Our dreams, so naive, fragile as glass'
    in my opinion you can get away with possibly half this amount because you are writing a dreamy romantic piece, but this many makes the piece far too sickly sweet and indigestible.
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Well this is a good write. Very fluffy and glittery. Did you watch the carebears? I don't know, my little pony, something truly psychadelic and animated. Anyway you have some style here, very lucid images. Keep up the good work. -sin
    | Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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