One More Betrayal by melancholymaid

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Submission Name: One More Betrayal dots

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Author:	melancholymaid
ASL Info:	21/female/Tennessee
Elite Ratio:	3.64 - 112/136/34
Words:	50

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	354
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	333

Description:
Well, this is just a really short thing that I wanted to put on here....Hope it makes sense.... It includes the reoccuring theme of the Prince and Princess that I use so very often....

One More Betrayal dots

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The Prince betrayed the Princess yet again.
He filled her ears with beautiful, dreamy syllables,
Telling her how he cared.
She meant more than anything else to him.
She started to believe him, to feel safe.
He took the door out from under her.
She was stuck, once more......................

Submitted on 2005-02-04 09:26:00 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i like it but fail to see how you can take a door from underneath someone :)...perhaps you could think of something better for that bit...but overall i liked it...keep writing
| Posted on 2005-02-05 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
  Sounds more of a story type thing than a poem but anyways i liked how you used a prince and a princess its so "normal" (can't think of the word to use lol) but its great
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by grinninggashes | [ Reply to This ]
  Perhaps this was just a tad too short but then again who wants to elaborate on betrayal?

the only thing that i thought could change was.."he took the door out from under her" shouldn't that be "floor"? it would just make more sense most people can't stand on doors.

:)
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
  There was some merit to this brief story, but the use of "he" and "she" detracted from the poem. The term "took the door out from under her" was peculiar. Did you mean to say the cliché "pulled the rug out from under her"?

To avoid to many pronouns, the piece could resemble something like this to improve the read:

"The Prince betrayed the Princess yet again.
Filling her ears with beautiful, dreamy syllables,
of such great love and devotion.
Her love meant more than anything else to him.
She started to believe him, to feel safe.
He pulled the rug out from under her.
She was stuck, once more..."

I hope this helps
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm...Short and sweet... Betrayals happen often...Some are severe, like cheating on them or the like, and some are just seperations in order to "see other people"... Some "princes" will lift you up to the highest you think you can possibly go, and some will drag you down past the lowest possible pit... A very good writing... I hope that this prince didnt do this to you... Keep up the good work.
.Caleb.
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by Exquisite_Death | [ Reply to This ]
  well i completely understand this because it seems that it has happened to me more than once. but um this was really short...more of a story type thing. i think that you should add more to it but leave it to because it is your piece and i dont know that much...
-sweet
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by sweet-fire | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, it's quite intersting. The prince and princess theme can be used in so many different ways, and in this way, you chose to kill the happily ever after metaphor so many link with fairy tales. Good piece, i like your style.
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
  Ahh repunzel (sp) a delightful read, too bad the scene is often true in relationships, but women are finally starting to wise up, and rise up...nice write, enjoyed...Bob:)
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by poetryman | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this. i really like the idea of a prince, who is supposed to sweep the princess off her feet, being the one who in fact removes the support from under her. i have one suggestion: make the first 4 lines one sentence. just restructure the punctuation. it's all part of the same thought and should be together, not separated by periods. well done ;)
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]

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