Light Things on Air -------------------------------------------
Though I touch your flesh
you couldn't be more gone
if you turned to ashes
before these shivering, naked eyes
and blew away like autumn leaves
into a frigid gale,
and like those light things on air
bits of the stranger I used to know
come back my way
like television signals
into my emotion-fuzzed mind.
I long for an ending
from a trite film
for my joy to regenerate
your freezer burned soul
to rebirth the bits of you
that life killed.
Sometimes the best parts of people die long before the actual physical cessation of life.It is a heart gone cold, a smile faded and worn,a spirit broken and seeping sadness;-it's like ginger ale gone flat,-all the right ingredients are still there, and it appears the same , but without that effervescence it is just not the same. The spirit within is so imperceptible a spark, yet when it is gone it leaves behind a palpable, material void that haunts us by the stark contrast between what we see before us, and what we recall to be true.
I liked the off-beat mixture of imagery you chose to express this,-from the flurries of autumn leaves, to the television signals, and especially the continuing icy imagery of cold
.Like flash cards, an image appears and then a line or two later, it is reinforced in a different way, leading to continuity even though the images themselves appear unrelated .For instance " television signals ", are introduced as some of those "light things in air" that remind you of the "before" person, but instead of saying "memory" your say these signals fall on your " emotion-fuzzed mind', , then you say "I long for an ending From a trite film" It's all connected in a jumpy bumpy way that to me speaks of emotional turmoil.
Another example is all the "cold " words sprinkled throughout that end up in the freezer burned image . I liked the "freezer-burned soul " as another fresh sharp description of a whole that contains "dead spots", as I liked the "light things on air" of the title and theme, suggesting throughout that the whole is made up of gazillions of little parts, and if one changes, or vanishes, then that entity (in this case a person) changes its' identity,-appears different to us in some way, obvious or maddeningly intangible.
All in all, this evokes a sadness that is familiar to all of us as we all know people like this,-it may be loss, illness,some tradgedy or something inexplicable,that causes the spark to dim , and it is harder for those who love these people, to witness their unhappiness,or to lose that person and now see a stranger before them.;–perhaps because they see it more clearly than the "victim". or perhaps that missing vital spark was the very thing that attracted them to this person in the first place.
This is an interesting and articulate view of how change affects a realationship, and how it is so frustrating for the one who is "left" behind to mourn what once was. Good One again Amy Sally
Blew away like autumn leaves was the least original here, but the metaphor of the television signals made up for it and much more. I also thought that the freezer burned soul was a great description, but maybe you could have those dead bits killed by a frosty life at the end, icing on the cake, pun intended. Very good one, Dave
I love this Amy, you let us see into their lives very vivdly in just a few lines. I like the ideas you've used to illustrate her emotions in our imaginations. The television works well as an image. It seems that those who are not experienced enough to understand the theme you're writing about have commented, it just happens here. This is top notch, every line, every word, it says so much. Great job.
I think the mixing of nature and technology fits very well. my interpretation for this is that when he's still here everything's alright (=nature). but when you're alone you're tangled in a trite film (=technology) and you long for him to come back( from technology back to nature). that's at least what came to my mind. could be way off. anyway I enjoyed this poem, it's really good. well done, Amy.
Death amazes me and you make this describes it in a peaceful way for me. Even though you included the emotion fuzzed thing it still leaves me with an "Okay, that's death." feeling. I really like the ending because it's cut off with that simple statement, "To rebirth the bits of you That life killed" Just like life can be cut off at any moment. You always use such vivid descriptions. So jealous! :D Such as, "shivering, naked eyes", "emotion-fuzzed mind", and "Your freezer burned soul." <- That's the best! You did a great job with this. I really think you should leave it up. :) Great piece! -blt
i really don't see what all the fuss is about with mixing the natural with technology. isn't that what our world is about in the first place? man tries to mimic nature with technology, doesn't he? the tv part made perfect sense to me, as i saw the static snowy stuff in your image. at the end, when you speak of rebirthing the bits, i thought of how those tv signals merge together to eventually make a full picture. Amy, i really hope you do not delete this one. some people seem to have a hard time with your work only because it takes more than just a quick read through most times. it is in-depth and travels on different levels. it isn't your average one-note poem, ever. don't stop. i need my Amy fix each and every day, and i'm not just saying that to placate you. i don't think i've read anything of yours that didn't blow me away in one way or another. i know i'm not the only one.
i like this-a nice dreamy quality. my only nit is with the line 'television signals'. that phrase seemed out of place with the rest of it. i know you're going with a 'things the air carries' theme here, but that's just the way it seemed to me. feel free to ignore. terrific write. :-)
i like the first half, i like the second half, i just don't like them together. if you were seeking a contrast between nature and technology, then please ignore my critique. if you did not intend for the imagery to clash, i'd suggest sticking with one theme, either man-made phenomena or natural. again, i think the imagery you use in very very effective, but i don't think the two halves work well together.
Hmmmm... This writing has a hidden meaning I think... It has many great expressions and descriptions, and the emotions are clearly expressed... The overall point that the words are trying to convey I think is kind of cloudy, but the feeling that the poem instills in me is definately known to my heart... I can understand it with my inner self, but i dont with my mind... A perplexing, but nevertheless excellent writing. .Caleb.