Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Light Things on Airdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 798
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 556



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLight Things on Airdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Though I touch your flesh
    you couldn't be more gone
    if you turned to ashes
    before these shivering, naked eyes
    and blew away like autumn leaves
    into a frigid gale,
    and like those light things on air
    bits of the stranger I used to know
    come back my way
    like television signals
    into my emotion-fuzzed mind.
    I long for an ending
    from a trite film
    for my joy to regenerate
    your freezer burned soul
    to rebirth the bits of you
    that life killed.




    Submitted on 2005-02-04 11:54:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Sometimes the best parts of people die long before the actual physical cessation of life.It is a heart gone cold, a smile faded and worn,a spirit broken and seeping sadness;-it's like ginger ale gone flat,-all the right ingredients are still there, and it appears the same , but without that effervescence it is just not the same. The spirit within is so imperceptible a spark, yet when it is gone it leaves behind a palpable, material void that haunts us by the stark contrast between what we see before us, and what we recall to be true.

    I liked the off-beat mixture of imagery you chose to express this,-from the flurries of autumn leaves, to the television signals, and especially the continuing icy imagery of cold

    .Like flash cards, an image appears and then a line or two later, it is reinforced in a different way, leading to continuity even though the images themselves appear unrelated .For instance " television signals ", are introduced as some of those "light things in air" that remind you of the "before" person, but instead of saying "memory" your say these signals fall on your " emotion-fuzzed mind', , then you say "I long for an ending From a trite film" It's all connected in a jumpy bumpy way that to me speaks of emotional turmoil.

    Another example is all the "cold " words sprinkled throughout that end up in the freezer burned image . I liked the "freezer-burned soul " as another fresh sharp description of a whole that contains "dead spots", as I liked the "light things on air" of the title and theme, suggesting throughout that the whole is made up of gazillions of little parts, and if one changes, or vanishes, then that entity (in this case a person) changes its' identity,-appears different to us in some way, obvious or maddeningly intangible.

    All in all, this evokes a sadness that is familiar to all of us as we all know people like this,-it may be loss, illness,some tradgedy or something inexplicable,that causes the spark to dim , and it is harder for those who love these people, to witness their unhappiness,or to lose that person and now see a stranger before them.;–perhaps because they see it more clearly than the "victim". or perhaps that missing vital spark was the very thing that attracted them to this person in the first place.

    This is an interesting and articulate view of how change affects a realationship, and how it is so frustrating for the one who is "left" behind to mourn what once was.
    Good One again Amy
    Sally
    | Posted on 2005-02-08 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Blew away like autumn leaves was the least original here, but the metaphor of the television signals made up for it and much more. I also thought that the freezer burned soul was a great description, but maybe you could have those dead bits killed by a frosty life at the end, icing on the cake, pun intended.
    Very good one,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-02-05 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this Amy, you let us see into their lives very vivdly in just a few lines. I like the ideas you've used to illustrate her emotions in our imaginations. The television works well as an image. It seems that those who are not experienced enough to understand the theme you're writing about have commented, it just happens here. This is top notch, every line, every word, it says so much. Great job.
    | Posted on 2005-02-05 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the mixing of nature and technology fits very well. my interpretation for this is that when he's still here everything's alright (=nature). but when you're alone you're tangled in a trite film (=technology) and you long for him to come back( from technology back to nature). that's at least what came to my mind. could be way off.
    anyway I enjoyed this poem, it's really good. well done, Amy.
    | Posted on 2005-02-05 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Death amazes me and you make this describes it in a peaceful way for me. Even though you included the emotion fuzzed thing it still leaves me with an "Okay, that's death." feeling. I really like the ending because it's cut off with that simple statement,
    "To rebirth the bits of you
    That life killed"
    Just like life can be cut off at any moment. You always use such vivid descriptions. So jealous! :D Such as, "shivering, naked eyes", "emotion-fuzzed mind", and "Your freezer burned soul." <- That's the best! You did a great job with this. I really think you should leave it up. :) Great piece!
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-02-05 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      i really don't see what all the fuss is about with mixing the natural with technology. isn't that what our world is about in the first place? man tries to mimic nature with technology, doesn't he? the tv part made perfect sense to me, as i saw the static snowy stuff in your image. at the end, when you speak of rebirthing the bits, i thought of how those tv signals merge together to eventually make a full picture. Amy, i really hope you do not delete this one. some people seem to have a hard time with your work only because it takes more than just a quick read through most times. it is in-depth and travels on different levels. it isn't your average one-note poem, ever. don't stop. i need my Amy fix each and every day, and i'm not just saying that to placate you. i don't think i've read anything of yours that didn't blow me away in one way or another. i know i'm not the only one.
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      a very interersting poem,with alot of expressive language and imagery.I was quite confused as to the meaning of this poem,however.you may want to try some sort of rhyme scheme too.
    nice work!
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by marigold | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poem is very good,but like some of the other said seems to be true, you pulled away from your theme, nature to technology. Either one would really work separately.

    You do have amazing skills
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this-a nice dreamy quality. my only nit is with the line 'television signals'. that phrase seemed out of place with the rest of it. i know you're going with a 'things the air carries' theme here, but that's just the way it seemed to me. feel free to ignore. terrific write. :-)
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the first half, i like the second half, i just don't like them together. if you were seeking a contrast between nature and technology, then please ignore my critique. if you did not intend for the imagery to clash, i'd suggest sticking with one theme, either man-made phenomena or natural. again, i think the imagery you use in very very effective, but i don't think the two halves work well together.
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmmm... This writing has a hidden meaning I think... It has many great expressions and descriptions, and the emotions are clearly expressed... The overall point that the words are trying to convey I think is kind of cloudy, but the feeling that the poem instills in me is definately known to my heart... I can understand it with my inner self, but i dont with my mind... A perplexing, but nevertheless excellent writing.
    .Caleb.
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by Exquisite_Death | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    45384

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry