Dead bodies by Rail

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Submission Name: Dead bodies dots

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Author:	Rail
ASL Info:	18-m-Washinton state
Elite Ratio:	2.27 - 117/80/13
Words:	77

Class/Type:	Poetry/Death
Total Views:	236
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	507

Description:
I don't even know.

Dead bodies dots

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Dead bodies every where.
Blood drips from my sword.
Why do I do this.
Why do I fight.
Why do I kill.

Dead bodies every where.
Who has done this.
Is this my doing.
Who am I.

Dead bodies every where.
Blood soaks the ground.
Some body should stop this.
Who can stop this.

Dead bodies every where.
Finally some body made it stop.
I made it stop.
The finall dead body is mine.

Submitted on 2005-02-04 15:12:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I really like the ideas behind this poem (since I like death and all of that), but I'm going to be a grammar nazi and point out a couple of mistakes that you made.

Verse one, line one: Everybody is one word not two
Verse one, lines three, four, and five should all end in question marks, not periods
Verse two, line one: Everywhere is one word not two
Verse two, lines two, three and four should all end in question marks not periods
Verse three, line one, Everywhere is one word not two
Verse three, line three, Somebody is one word not two
Verse three, line four should end in a question mark, not a period
Verse four, line one, Everywhere is one word not two
Verse four, line two, Somebody is one word not two
Verse four, line four, final only has one "L" not two

I really hope you don't take too much offense at the corrections, but there are some things that can really detract from a poem, and in this case the spelling and grammatical errors did just that. I hope that by spelling out all of the major grammatical errors, you'll be able to fix them more easily.

The poem in general also has a lot of ideas that have been done before. I know that I said I like it, and I truly do, but I have to wonder what would happen if you tried to write something on the same topic with a little bit more expansion and a little bit more content to it. I suppose you don't have to do anything if you don't want to, but it certainly can't hurt to try.
| Posted on 2005-03-15 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
that is creepy. but kinda...cool ,in its own weird scarey way. (i like creepy things) lol i have a feeling that this is gonna give me weird thoughts for the rest of the day
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by Saphire Twiligh | [ Reply to This ]

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