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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "Shocking Chair"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 861
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1018



    Description:
        ......It's a shocker!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Shocking Chair"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sitting alone.
    bars like bone.
    Misery is the world out there.
    I no longer want to be anywhere.
    A cold concrete room with broken lights.
    A man with a white collar
    reading my last rights.
    A boy, that became a man too fast.
    These are flashes from my short past.
    Growing, loving, having time,
    I wish I had more.
    These thoughts are mine,
    as I walk down the last corridor.
    Punishment, is this fair?
    Then I saw it, the worlds most
    "contraversial chair".
    I sat down deliriously.
    My family never even liked me
    then they yelled lock it.
    About 30 seconds later my eyeballs
    popped from their sockets.
    Floating and thinking who is to blame?
    Quickly getting closer to a fiery flame.
    Leaving this world of Loving and Hating,
    to meet my Maker who has been waiting....~L.t

    -L A M E M A N S T E R M S-






    Submitted on 2005-02-06 01:43:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a pretty wierd piece. I wonder if you wrote about this issues to express your view point on it or what. It reads well, like a fragment of a short story, you can kinda see everything play out in your head as you read it. But most of your poems read like they'd be awesome if they were extended into short stories (hmmm, something to think about perhaps, you might have a whole book on your hands and not even know it) But i digress. What made you want to write about this? I disagree with the whole "immortal soul" aspect toward the end but that's a personal issue. Overall it's still a good write ( I DON'T CARE WHAT THE COMMENT NAZI SAYS I CAN CALL SOMETHING I READ A GOOD WRITE IF I WANT TO). Peace
    | Posted on 2005-02-11 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
      ewe i got that image of eye balls poppin out now. it was very descriptive which in a piece like this is necessary. you did very well on that. for a reader to be able to actually picture it in their head as they are reading it is a very good accomplishment in itself.
    yes you have a few typos here and there but personally i think it kinda worked with it. like youre writing in a hurry because youre about to die.
    personally i dont believe in the death penalty. i mean ok ya might deserve it but i think it would be a greater punishment to just take away absolutely everything from ya. yea yea yea i know we pay to keep them in prison but i just think its a better punishment.
    and that is that. nice job
    | Posted on 2005-02-06 00:00:00 | by SilentWhisper | [ Reply to This ]
      Strong piece. Very vivid imagery. I couldn't stop reading 'til the end! Nice job. You have some spelling and typos to fix. I put the lines below; the corrections are in [brackets] like that.

    > Being a boy, [becoming] a man way too fast.
    > These thoughts are mine walking down my last [corridor].
    > [Punishment] - is this really fair?
    > Then I saw it. The worlds most "controversial] chair".
    > I sat down deliriously. I heard them [yell] [lock] it.

    I'd consider two other changes as well. I'd change "socket" to "sockets". It doesn't hurt the rhyme, and it doesn't distract the reader. And, it's common practice to capitalize any reference to God, so you might want to change "maker" to "Maker". Tiny issues in a very strong piece. It was very fascinating to read. Thanks for sharing.
    bent
    | Posted on 2005-02-06 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]


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