Description: I think this could be good, but I think it has some awkward spots that need replacement. Please tell me how I can improve it.
I'd like suggestions on a title, too.
I forgot my notes. -------------------------------------------
Point and shoot.
Know your notes and say ‘em. Point and shoot.
Reviewing T. S. Eliot,
I scramble to collect the relevant scraps from my mental rag-bags.
How did I study two weeks without collecting a coherent outline?
I paste my facts to my cards, rearrange, repaste, restart.
Then I try to memorize.
mumble shuffle pace
No success. Two minutes to go time, the presentation has a split grade.
Should even out over three people…?
Behind the door, they’ve been going an hour.
Stupid. Stupid. Check the @#$%damn syllabus.
My turn, the note cards hang in my fingers.
I open my mouth and shut my ears.
You know that’s a way to protect your hearing when firing a machine gun?
“departure from his earlier poetry in which”
I didn’t hear a thing I said.
Tiger beetles hunt the same way. Point, then charge blind.
I guess it was close enough.
Wow I just finished school but got taken back there in an instant with this wonderful poem. the pace and build up of tension was excellent. 'I scramble to collect the relevant scraps from my mental rag-bags' is a brilliant line. I have tried to write about this sort of thing before and I am impressed by your coherent imagery to relate; it is something I found difficult. Sorry to gush i will try to be more helpfull in my next review its just exciting to find stuff that is decent. Jeannine
haha.. cool.. point and shoot.. charging blind, yep.. Hey that line about open mouth close ears.. is that true? does opening your mouth block your ears a little? I tried it (tehe) but I dont have a machine gun. This is an awesome piece.. ' the line "i didnt hear a thing i said" was accurate.. I do that even in conversation sometimes, if I dont really know what Im talking about.. it sounds like im listening to someone else speaking, i just tune out.. haha.. true.. presentations are bad enough with notes..
Liked the layout, and the intro was great.. very eyecatching, and interesting.. Um sorry I dont have any nitpicking details.. Im a begginer, but I know i liked this.. shaun
I think your clarity to capture aconfusion is remarkable (maybe if we could choose our talents we would go for other preferences - lol - no offense intended tho). I think the result is that you have described something very honestly. I like the way you end with something seemingly unrelated taking us on a guided tour through your anxiety.
I understand this feeling completely. Sometimes I have to do speeches for lady's days at church and I practice and practice and practice, but once I get up there I just get into this auto-pilot mode and I don't even think about what I'm saying. . . which, I guess, is a good and bad thing.
Good write. I really enjoyed the way you mixed the two medias of short story and poetry, and came out with something truly original. "mumble shuffle pace" was very neato; just because it brought up a very vivid image in my mind of someone pacing back and forth, sorta dragging their feet and trying to sound convincing when they aren't even convinced of their views.
I figure you are trying to depict a fervently nervous person, just before a presentation?? Okay here's my thoughts on how you can improve. Firstly, try showing more of the nervousness via short abrupt verses, perhaps? Try showing that the persona digresses a lot on how he's gonna die so much, or on how he's gonna fail, how low he's gonna get, and how he's parents are so gonna kill him. GEt him to try crash-course-ing, but frequently stops after a few sentences, jumping up and down or some funny action that depicts a typical nervous person.
Took me right back to some all-nighters I've had to do. No amount of effort will be enough at the last minute, but you've got to try. Incoherent, unprepared, dead tired... As for improvement, I'll give it some thought, but a strong concept and expression are already there. Good job. bent