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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Born with the wrong Shadowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: edthepoet
    ASL Info:    47-m-Pa
    Elite Ratio:    4.72 - 1476/991/125
    Words: 664
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1327
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2683



    Description:
       I was going for something creative and unique

    With the help of silverdog suggestions,I made some changes.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots Born with the wrong Shadowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    What a freak I was,
    after being born with a blood red shadow

    So shocked were the doctors that
    they called in hundreds of specialists
    trying to find the answer to the red demon silhouette

    When the news of my strange follower
    was spread all over the news
    More questions, flashes and name calling
    made my daily life a hellish headline

    Priests, Pastors and Rabbiís came to witness
    and pray for my constant companion of red
    they too failed with their beliefs and prayers

    Its wasnít until I was 4 did I notice the
    bloody colored bastard glued to me
    Can you even imagine what it was like
    trying to shake it or make it go away somehow?

    As I grew, the frustration grew faster
    I tried kicking every damn mirror I could find
    So desperate at times
    I covered my entire back with poster board
    hoping the shadow wouldnít show

    Kids and classmates
    Didnít help things with their cruel
    gestures and horrid words

    Even my sister and brothers laughed
    and stared at me like I was a freak
    trying in someway to separate themselves from me

    My poor parents cried behind closed doors,
    Yet never once made me feel any less

    Being a teen and then becoming an adult
    was incredibly harsh,
    for I never dated once because of this reddish outline

    The only salvation came from animals
    For no matter what kind of creature,
    they adore me and kept my spirit high

    Living until the age of 99 in a lonely existence
    on the Blue Ridge Mountains with nature
    as my only lover

    It wasnít until I died in the woods
    Did I learn the truth of why I was born with this ghastly shade
    For in my past life as a brash Roman youth
    in jest I killed innocent sheep for wicked sport
    The bloody indelible stain was a telling badge,
    to alert animals to my shame and penance for that cruel deed.
    Now, finally aware that justice had been served
    I hugged my constant companion
    and smiled.


    Edward K. Deputy

















    Submitted on 2005-02-07 07:10:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, this really, really moved me. I was reading along quite transfixed by the sheer power of the language itself but the twist at the ending was shocking.

    The very animals that the youth had abused were the ones, who supported and sympathised with the youth more than his human companions ever did...

    I also like the way it started, delving main into the central point. The first line sets the mood for most of the succeeding lines.

    Love your work.

    | Posted on 2006-08-06 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ]
      hey ed! I really enjoyed this, although I must add that it is *common* that when listing three or more items a comma follows the second as well as the first despite the *and* that follows.
    But yes, ed, I truly enjoyed this piece, as is usually the case with your work. It was an interesting thought behind this poem. Nice Write!
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i really liked that. i'd say you acheived your goal of making it "creative and unique". i'm not positive on the message; maybe "live life right the first time"? my favorite stanza was

    [[Even my sister and brothers
    laughed
    and stared at me like I was a
    freak
    trying in someway to
    separate themselves from
    me]]

    i found that hit home especially deep. i also liked how you ended it, by making the demon that had haunted you your entire life your friend at death once you finally understood why it was there. keep writing and i will continue reading :)
    sophie
    | Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by sudie | [ Reply to This ]
      Doesn't sound like your voice, exactly. I found the poem interesting but the ending does not seem to fit with the rest. It is as if you are combining poetry and prose. Though the last part is structured like poetry, it reads like prose. It is an interesting comcept to combine the two. I am going to have to read this one several times before I can find you in it. Hugs, Lynn
    | Posted on 2005-02-17 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
      Its an interesting way to get to the subject matter, the good ol laws of karma. Personally I found the ending a bit too much like an abrupt change in subject, although it is not a bad idea. Maybe it could have been slightly given away in the body of the work. (A roman teenaged sheep killer is a bit of a mouth full!). But I like all the strangeness you capture in his life
    | Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, you certainly succeeded in writing something creative and unique. It's very weird and you did a great job portraying the various scenes throughout life in a clear and concise way.
    | Posted on 2005-02-10 00:00:00 | by Amelit | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a unique perspective. I enjoyed reading the poem. As I read it I thought "I have never come in contact with an ability this unique.
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Silver20G | [ Reply to This ]
      very unique, Ed, i must say that. serves you right for killing that sheep! it certainly kept my attention. i got a very tender feeling in the part about you and the animals, the only ones who paid you any attention, knowing that you were repenting for your cruelty. well done, Ed! unlike anything i've read 'round here in a long time!
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Another great write lots of imagery in this one and kept me reading to the end very nice scripture cruelty and kindness reat qualities ecspecially when one is in control of both thanx for your comments on my posts
    sandman
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...twisted end...i didnt imagine it being like that...dont know how i thought it would turn out...this was a great poem, though i havent words enough to tell you how much i liked it...it was awesome:P

    ->Dark
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i liked it ..it showed how kids can be cruel and then in the end it has a twist in it I enjoyed how you portrayed the whole thing and lead up to the ending!
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by grinninggashes | [ Reply to This ]
      It's a really good poem. I think the flow at times is sluggish but dont' get me wrong i mean it's good for modern writing just not my speed. But i can respect a good story and this my friend is a good story. Animals are the key to our soul. Native americans had animal guardians they knew the truth.

    Semper Fidelis,
    Christopher
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by Soulraven | [ Reply to This ]
      Ed, again your talent flows. You show such a varied style in your writings. All of which are very well done. I like the story theme. I like the symbolisms. However, the red shadow you describe escapes me. Is it a cross born of something horrible? Is it a badge of honor or courage? I so want to understand this piece it is very compelling. YOu really hit a homer her my friend.
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Ed, I really liked this. I love poems that are different and tell a story. I really got into this one. The mystery carries throughout. When I got to the end, I was reminded of the Scarlet Letter. Check the 3rd stanza though, I think you accidently put the word "the" in, I'm talking about the last line. Nice touch about your parents standing by you too. All in all, I've read this several times and really enjoyed it. Carol
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I have to say you certainly have something here that is creative and inique. Maybe one of the strangest storis I've ever read. Very interesting though and to me that's what makes it so good.
    Really good write...
    !Doc!
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This was a very original poem. I realy like it. I personaly do not believe in reincarnation, but the idea is very interesting. I like the longness of it and I love the story. This is a great write.
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by Oli | [ Reply to This ]
      This grabs the attention and imagination and takes the reader on a trip through the wildly imaginative world of edthepoet. Very nicely done with a unique twist of having the animals adore you even though humans did not understand and judged harshly... Great write!
    | Posted on 2005-02-20 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the idea here of the bad kharma for killing the sheep in another life, and how you kept it as a surprise ending. It's a good poem, though in places I felt it was a little sluggish, and could use a little tighening up, punctuation or better word use,-there seems to be a lot of "filler' words in some places, and yet other parts read smoothly. I am using the last stanza as an example, -lots of I, my the, a. an -flat little words that don't contribute much. Often you can lose them with no loss of meaning, and improve the flow at the same time.
    "It wasnít until I died in the woods
    Did I learn the truth of why I was born with this ghastly shade
    See in my past life as a Roman teenager
    I mockingly killed my best friendís innocent sheep
    as a cruel joke The red permanent stain is a sign
    to animals that I was here to repent for my past misdeed
    After being rewarded with the truth
    I hugged my constant companion and smiled
    knowing justice was served"

    The tense switching is cumbersome in the last also, and I thiink some of the words aren't the best you could have chosen. Mockingly" is one, teenager could be simply "youth" or "teen" , and who the sheep belonged to is irrelevant, -it is the cruel senselessness that brought about your crimson shadow,-so you drop "my best friend's" it doesn't add a jot to the poem.

    So trying to follow all my own advice, it could read something like this,
    It wasnít until I died in those woods
    that I learned the truth of why I carried this ghastly shade.
    See,- in a past life as a brash Roman teen,
    in jest I killed an innocent sheep for wicked sport
    The bloody indelible stain was a telling badge,
    to alert animals to my shame and penance for that cruel deed.
    Now, finally aware that justice had been served
    I hugged my constant companion
    and smiled.

    Anyway, I enjoyed this piece, and came up with those ideas as you asked for "Overall Assessment"
    Interesting Piece
    Silver
    | Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Really really wonderful. I love your work so much because it so....you. No one else. It's so completely and utterly original. I would have not known anything along these lines of how to write it, yet you go and perfect it. Are you a real poet? Well I mean, ya you are. But are you a published poet, because your work is beyond amazing and opens my eyes....
    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, talk about karmic justice poetically displayed! this is so original and unique. I love it. great job. where do your ideas come from? sometimes, I think I haven't a thing to write about and then I read something like this and realize the whole world is full of ideas. thanks for your wonderful poem.
    | Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]


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