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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If only, if onlydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Serious
    Total Views: 761
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1113



    Description:
       Pretty much random thoughts, sorry. I began to write about doubt, then it turned into a wish...a wish to be able to share things I sometimes feel.
    (couldn't keep the star out, once again
    >Made some big changes, hope they make it a bit better :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf only, if onlydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Doubt.

    A tricky poison,
    that will swiftly taint your mind.

    Pondering, you may find
    that your mind harbors more doubt
    than the confidence that your fumbling
    fingers struggle to
    cling to.

    And what little there is
    endures endless skirmishes,
    one veiled assault
    after another.

    One second guess,
    one burst of distorted analysis
    and doubt slides its foot in the door
    and begins to shred your shroud of resolution
    clawing at the innards of fortitude
    slashing morale.

    Not so, you say?
    Very well.
    Harness your psyche and erase the doubt.

    Oh, where to draw the line
    of where chance changes
    from fortunate
    to disastrous...

    What say you?
    Don't draw the line.

    If only, if only
    I could show you hope...
    a mighty hope
    that is utterly simple.

    Find the star of purpose;
    let it ensnare doubt
    and let fearlessness run free.




    Submitted on 2005-02-08 11:58:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like how this whole poem has a debate feel to it. It's intersting how you challenge them to question their own ideals. It's almost hitlerish of you, haha. But it's interesting that you so blatently point out how what you say is one thing and what they think is another. As a piece of art, this is almost flawless. But as an individual and the ideas you present in this, they are so accurate...but only to one who doesn't know any better. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth and trying to swallow it and take it in will burn your insides...it's not because it's hard to swallow the truth, but because your body's pain is a natural way of telling you something is bad for you. Sometimes your body is wrong, true. You just have to learn how to understand what pain has an attracting feature to it, meaning it's got something you need, and what should totally be rejected. Great work once again.
    | Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
      > And what little there may be
    > is being attacked
    > oh so subtlely.

    This whole phrase is a bit awkward. I might change "And what little there may be" to "And what little there is". Then you have "is / is" which would be awful, so the second line would have to be changed too. Ugh.

    > oh so subtlely.

    This is a bit of a tongue-twister. If you could find another way to arrange the words, and use "subtle" instead of "subtlely" (which almost always sounds rough), it would be less a stumbling block to the reader. And the fix might also improve the preceding line.

    > doubt slides its foot in the door

    "Slide" seems just right here. Subtle, almost unnoticed.

    > and begins to shred your shroud of resolution
    > clawing at the innards of fortitude
    > slashing morale.

    Strong images here. I particularly like "shred your shroud of resolution".

    > What say you?
    > Don't draw the line.

    I would put these two lines together; they mirror the lines above, "Not so, you say? / Very well. / harness your psyche and erase the doubt."

    > a mighty hope
    > that is utterly simple.

    Hope must be both simple and mighty. Good description.

    > let it ensnare doubt
    > and let fearlessness run free.

    I particularly like this image. Doubt to fearlesness and ensnare to free.

    I like this piece a lot. It illustrates so well the problem with just letting your doubts rule themselves, and grow wild. You _must_ conquer your doubts, ensnare them, make them wither in the presence of confidence and fearlesness. I think that with some tweaking, this could be one of your best pieces. Great job!
    bent
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the hope in this piece. it is easy to let doubt slide into our minds when we ponder things too often...

    One second guess,
    one burst of distorted analysis
    and doubt slides its foot in the door
    and begins to shred your shroud of resolution
    clawing at the innards of fortitude
    slashing morale.

    great lines, these.

    i have a post called "Hope" that you might enjoy. i enjoyed this very much! (oh, and good luck with your fairy tale!)
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]


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