Sleeping Boy by Niphredil

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Submission Name: Sleeping Boy dots

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Author:	Niphredil
ASL Info:	18/f/WA
Elite Ratio:	7.1 - 953/322/28
Words:	81

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	346
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	502

Description:
This was in my journal, but with some encouragement from magnicat and with its growing strength (it's funny how poems can grow like that, isn't it) I have decided to post it.

Sleeping Boy dots

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I came upon you
Sleeping still
In the quiet blanket of a starry sky
Closed eyes and open face
You were an invitation,
but one to be carefully smoothed
and put away in a drawer.
In my mind I sat for a while,
touching gently your hair
like a bird's breast -
But instead I held my breath
and stepped back,
and left you for another night.

© Kayla Elmore, November 29th, 2004

Submitted on 2005-02-08 17:11:24 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  amazing job! This is a very moving and emotional poem with no uneeded words and nothing left unsaid. i love the way i can feel the temptation and yearning the onlooker is feeling. this poem is an experience as opposed to just some words on paper.
"closed eyes and an open face"
the contradiction here is used flawlessly and the power of the line just hit me in the face.
"touching your hair like a birds breast"
this is a surprisingly meaningful and thoroughly unused simile and it shows a lot of thought on your part. and i guess that's what makes this poem work so well.
thanks for writing this. it's an original scenario that is analagous to so many things ive done, or not done, in my life.
sorry im not giving much in the way of constructive criticism. i just don't have any. this an exquisitely written poem on a meaningful subject. great job!
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by jonsmithy | [ Reply to This ]
  wonderful poem. I too leave too much to another night. time to grab it up, smooth it out and not put it in a drawer! oh-that's not what this poem is about. deadndreaming said to check out your stuff (even though I think I have before) and I really like this one. I'll keep reading.
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  Yet another one of your writes that I totally enjoyed. It isn't overly wordy, but it doesn't have to be. I could really picture this...you finding someone who seems so perfect and willing for you to come into their life, however you choose not too because the timing isn't right even though you could picture such in your mind.

Couldn't have expressed this better myself.
~Musing
| Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by MusingMinstrel | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice job here, you have captured an innocence with this. I love the line

touching gently your hair like a bird's breast

very descriptive, it tells so well how gently you wuld touch. This must be a invitation to one who is revered or tender hearted, someone whose heart you don't want to break? Just a guess, well done, thanks for sharing.

nansofast
| Posted on 2005-02-10 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very powerful. every word feels and fits perfectly. I really liked the image of the invitation being handled carefully. I could see like a creamy white envelope and the excitement being contained by the girl holding it.
| Posted on 2005-02-08 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Kayla, I'm glad you were persuaded to bring this one out. It's pretty durn good! A few thoughts on the lines....

I came upon you
Sleeping still
In the quiet blanket of a starry sky

I like the clarity of the images and the drama of the lines....L3 is quite beautiful and fresh.I'd delete "still" as it sounds a little awkward.

Closed eyes and open face

Another fresh way of phrasing ...nice to see.

You were an invitation, but one to be carefully smoothed and put away in a drawer.

These lines a wonderful. The wording is awesome but what's best is that there's drama and intrigue...you set the imagination running wild....good skills

In my mind I sat for a while, touching gently your hair like a bird's breast -

I like the inversion of touching gently....where most people would normally say "gently touching" the way you've said it gives it a unique and classy feel.

But instead I held my breath
and stepped back
and left you for another night.

I really like the way you close this out...There's grace and passion in what she must be feeling, tension that goes unresolved and the drama of her stepping away with the hint of a return.

L2 there...how about..."retreating into the dark"?

Enjoyable piece with potential for expansion

Good to see

DB

| Posted on 2005-02-08 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  i'm glad you posted this. it is really beautiful. it's like this person takes your breath away and you feel that if you wake them, it will all disappear. very tender and sensuous.
| Posted on 2005-02-08 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  the beginning was very Van Gogh of you; very much a starry night swirled and blurred to beautiful perfection. and then you make him an invitation to be stowed away lovingly but resolutely in a forgettable drawer. but bird's nest hair and pitter patterings of the heart are hard to ignore, much less forget. an awful strength, self sacrificing will power is. i love that you made him an invitation. i'd love to see you expand the metaphor, but if you choose not to, that's fine also. how many sleeping faces have i stowed away in a drawer, beloved, but not for my hands to linger over, not for my mind to consider accepting and my feet to dance at the thought ... too many.

yes, an awful strength self sacrificing will power is. gorgeous work. keep 'em coming. =]

~Blue
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]

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