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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Love we haddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Gothik
    Elite Ratio:    3.35 - 94/133/31
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 998
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 402



    Description:
       Gimme your best shot because it's my first english poem. So don't hold back. Thank you.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLove we haddots
    -------------------------------------------


    At first our love was pure.
    By the time you were my muse.
    To every problem you were my cure,
    Now you look at me, and you amused.

    You laft about the love we had,
    You turned your back on me.
    In my head I feel so sad.
    Can I ever dream.

    You ve trown me away.
    Now I can't stand on life.
    I'm giving my life away.




    Submitted on 2005-02-09 04:43:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      oh goody! I can nit-pick! so happy...*dies*...anyways... oh dear god. don't listen to edthepoet. he just made it worse. here, I'll fix it!

    At first our love was pure,
    By the time you were my muse.
    To every problem, you were my cure,
    Now you look at me, amused.

    You laughed about the love we had,
    You turned your back on me.
    In my head, it's all so sad,
    This regret, such a bad dream.

    You've thrown me so far away,
    Now I can't stand on life.
    I'm breaking more each day,
    Why shouldn't I use this knife?

    or maybe i made it worse...i don't know! it's your poem. if you put more effort into it , it will turn out better. goodluck!
    | Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by darkness child | [ Reply to This ]
      I was going to point out the grammer but you know other people pointed them out so I'm sure you know what they are. I just think this needs more.. maybe stronger words and express your feelings
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by grinninggashes | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent poem for the very first attempt using the English language,bravo

    Of course there are some mistakes, but I will help you fix them.

    It should read more like this:

    At first our love was pure.
    By the time you were my muse
    to every problem you were my cure,
    but now you look at me and your amused.

    You laugh about the love we had,
    as you turned your back on me.
    In my head the feelings felt so sad.
    Can I ever dream.

    You've thrown me away like wasted time,
    leaving me one-legged to stand against life


    Just a quick fix with some added help

    I really like you words and the feel of your poem,god write
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmmm! I think it is not descriptive enough. You should have went more into what it felt like to have a pure love and to lose it to whatever. To have your (cure) (muse) laugh at you, when you tell her you love her. I understand the message, but for more impact it needs a little work. As for your first english poem not bad. vous pouvez faire mieux
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Silver20G | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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