*Shit* by melancholymaid

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Submission Name: *Shit* dots

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Author:	melancholymaid
ASL Info:	21/female/Tennessee
Elite Ratio:	3.64 - 112/136/34
Words:	113

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	287
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	728

Description:
I wrote this quite a while ago. I have decided to post most of my poetry on here, or at least more of it. The title is arguable, I am sure you all will have something to change about it. I like the title. It's going to stay that way unless I have some sort of epiphany. But anyway, take a gander. See what you think..........
Samantha

*Shit*

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I want to fill my veins with something beautiful,
to thrust happiness into my tired body.
I feel that it is best to remain in a comfortable state of numbness,
For we decieve ourselves, we decieve each other,
And we decieve the earth under our feet.
Do we really know another soul?
No.
We can talk, we can touch, we can fuck.
But it all remains the same.
Betrayal starts with the father,
And stays in the young girl's life.

Yes. It is true. I have an incessant desire for opiates,
For I wish to dream eternally..............
Strange, beautiful dreams of diamond-filled skies,
and burning trees, set ablaze by Autumn.

Submitted on 2005-02-09 12:32:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  [[I want to fill my veins with something beautiful,
to thrust happiness into my tired body.
I feel that it is best to remain in a comfortable state of numbness,]]
aaaaah what a [censored] awesome beginning. and if you can start off that well, you know youve got something.

there are no particular lines that i would change anything about, but you seem to switch subjects a couple times. it looks to me as though you start off drinking or doing drugs or something to numb the pain; but then it goes into relationships and father/daughter stuff; then it goes into dreaming. perhaps these things are related, but maybe try making the connection a bit clearer.
awesome wording and poetic thoughts though
sophie
| Posted on 2005-05-03 00:00:00 | by sudie | [ Reply to This ]
  so you want to dream forever? then overdose. take the big sleep. don't complain about everyone deceiving everyone else when the feeling you covet is nothing more than a chemical induced deception.
ok, the structure of this piece, i like it, i like it alot. there is some magnificent imagery here, but a few things need to go. either get rid of "comfortable state of numbness", or include a bibliography featuring Pink Floyd and a letter thanking them. also get rid of "opiates", it's way too obvious, too factual. you have an excellently image-ridden piece here, and to throw an 8th grade science word into the middle of it detracts from your poetry.
| Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
  Here’s to heroine and semen! Wheeeeeee! Nice write- interchangeable and wyrd- at least I thought so... The title is fyne-
Peace, love and tacos- ~#6-
| Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
  Alittle story of another lost soul searching for something but just as you reach it it all burns up in smoke. I thought there's a true meaning to this poem one that is sometimes hard to get the meaning across
| Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by mandy dupuis | [ Reply to This ]
  wow... this was like the most picturfull piece I've read in along time... I really got the picture of a dream filled with diamond shaped sky's and tree's burning... that would be an awesome dream... your words were really good in this.. it was full of really explicit things and it worked.. I don't think it would have been the same without the language that you use... not to mention the fu*k is a great word because it has somemany emotions and meanings attached to it... I loved this alot... great job ... this is one for the fav's
| Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by bleedbroken | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting. I found this good in a weird sort of way I guess you hit the nail on the head when it comes to this one. You've summed up all the good things about drugs and your reasons for doing them but you have to think about the downsides and the long term effects. I don't want to lecture you but be carefull.
| Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Broken Dreams | [ Reply to This ]

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