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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Envy of Deathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: morte
    ASL Info:    17/female/earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430/348/55
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 875
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1063



    Description:
       just a rough draft i threw together...any suggestions (even if they're really harsh) would be greatfully appreciated...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Envy of Deathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You’re regarding me with your angry eyes
    Why, don’t you know it's just you in disguise?

    Ever since you thought you’d lost all control
    You’ve been telling lies and stalking my soul

    Smiling while you're refilling my drink
    Slipping in a drug so that i can't think

    So I can’t move while you rape my life
    You’re the one who keeps handing me the knife

    Showing me how to decorate the blade
    Teaching me my lines in this masquerade

    Elegant costumes made of life’s decay
    And everyone’s tired of this old play

    Everyone’s waiting for this show to end
    So we can move on to our next great trend

    For living this life we’ve lost our passion
    Indifference is the latest fashion

    Accessorized by our insanity
    Stop being jealous of humanity

    Because…

    Life is a protest, everyone takes a stand
    But in the end we’ll all take the Reaper’s hand




    Submitted on 2005-02-09 20:13:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      First off, nice picture...very creepy. Also great title.

    A couple small things on the poem.

    1) there are some minor grammar issues in there that woulnd't hurt to correct:

    Why, don’t you know we’re (did you mean "it's"?) just you in disguise?

    anyway stuff like that.

    2) The ideas presented in this poem are really cool but, and it's easy to do given the aa bb cc format, I felt that in places it was a little too rhymey.

    I would just work on trying to find a few more subtle rhymes in there, and less in your face obvious ones.


    Anyway thats about it for me.

    All input meant to help not offend. Good luck with all you write.


    peace,
    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      wow... i really don't know what to say to this. i guess it pretty much sums up the inevitability of death...

    For living this life we’ve lost our passion
    Indifference is the latest fashion

    oh yeaaaah. i love being indifferent. that way nothing hurts...
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      F*ck! I don't think I could have said it any better! This poem is going into my favorites section! So often am I caught, forced to play conversation with those like these. F*ck I love this poem. For me, it perfectly communicates both the frustration and sympathy for those caught up wearing "elegant costumes made of life's decay"

    this poem perfectly captures something I've been feeling for a while, especially with the lines
    "Accesorized by our insanity
    Stop being jealos of humanity"
    I'll say it again!
    F*ck I love this poem!
    | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by raincloud | [ Reply to This ]
      hi alex...some people write alot about your poem...i don't...but that doesn't mean it is not good... i think that it is one of your best works... at least i think so... i feel so honored to have such a great poet as a friend...haha...i am serious... this was really good...keep up the good work... i like this one...
    | Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]


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