The Envy of Death
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Description:
just a rough draft i threw together...any suggestions (even if they're really harsh) would be greatfully appreciated...
The Envy of Death
You’re regarding me with your angry eyes Why, don’t you know it's just you in disguise? Ever since you thought you’d lost all control You’ve been telling lies and stalking my soul Smiling while you're refilling my drink Slipping in a drug so that i can't think So I can’t move while you rape my life You’re the one who keeps handing me the knife Showing me how to decorate the blade Teaching me my lines in this masquerade Elegant costumes made of life’s decay And everyone’s tired of this old play Everyone’s waiting for this show to end So we can move on to our next great trend For living this life we’ve lost our passion Indifference is the latest fashion Accessorized by our insanity Stop being jealous of humanity Because… Life is a protest, everyone takes a stand But in the end we’ll all take the Reaper’s hand |
Submitted on 2005-02-09 20:13:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| First off, nice picture...very creepy. Also great title. A couple small things on the poem. 1) there are some minor grammar issues in there that woulnd't hurt to correct: Why, don’t you know we’re (did you mean "it's"?) just you in disguise? anyway stuff like that. 2) The ideas presented in this poem are really cool but, and it's easy to do given the aa bb cc format, I felt that in places it was a little too rhymey. I would just work on trying to find a few more subtle rhymes in there, and less in your face obvious ones. Anyway thats about it for me. All input meant to help not offend. Good luck with all you write. peace, mister fizzle | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ] | wow... i really don't know what to say to this. i guess it pretty much sums up the inevitability of death... | For living this life we’ve lost our passion Indifference is the latest fashion oh yeaaaah. i love being indifferent. that way nothing hurts... | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ] | F*ck! I don't think I could have said it any better! This poem is going into my favorites section! So often am I caught, forced to play conversation with those like these. F*ck I love this poem. For me, it perfectly communicates both the frustration and sympathy for those caught up wearing "elegant costumes made of life's decay" | this poem perfectly captures something I've been feeling for a while, especially with the lines "Accesorized by our insanity Stop being jealos of humanity" I'll say it again! F*ck I love this poem! | Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by raincloud | [ Reply to This ] | hi alex...some people write alot about your poem...i don't...but that doesn't mean it is not good... i think that it is one of your best works... at least i think so... i feel so honored to have such a great poet as a friend...haha...i am serious... this was really good...keep up the good work... i like this one... | | Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ] | |
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