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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Leisure Dead (resubmit)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BenCollier
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 425/386/88
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 777
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 960



    Description:
       I had hoped for some critique of this work. It is the only piece I have that isn't about love and passion. Hopefully y'all will help me hone this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLeisure Dead (resubmit)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    A monstrosity within roots my psyche, Entwining the poison unto myself
    Embraced the wound in fester, Devours all sane perception
    That which is constant, Is cast aside
    Chasm of doubt preys my fear, Incapacitating fluent reason
    The secretiveness of my pain, Allows no assistance
    Blinding of sight, No parole of forgiveness
    The actions been rehearsed, the outcome is final
    Destruction of trust, Expires the vow

    A promise, nay, a gamble, to begin anew
    A wary path, perchance a falter
    The hopes of another, The liability undertaken
    Expectancy of change, Remberance of pain
    Another’s world is fractured, Brought down as scorn
    The desire leeches, It muddles my premise
    Releasing only, When riddance is wrought
    Angst of realization, Torture of hurt
    The final outcome, Divides my world
    Leisure dead in heart and soul






    Submitted on 2005-02-09 21:41:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      first, i'd think about breaking these lines into 2. second, you've got a lot of extraneous commas. there only needs to be one where there's a natural pause, otherwise it impedes the line.

    some other suggestions, feel free to use 'em or lose 'em...

    A monstrosity within roots my psyche, Entwining the poison unto myself – do you want to say ‘roots within’ rather than ‘within roots’?
    Embraced the wound in fester, Devours all sane perception – change of tenses ‘embraced’, ‘fester’
    That which is constant Is cast aside – no comma
    Chasm of doubt preys my fear, Incapacitating fluent reason – ‘preys on’ or ‘upon’ not just ‘preys’
    The secretiveness of my pain, Allows no assistance
    Blinding of sight, No parole of forgiveness
    The actions been rehearsed, the outcome is final – ‘auction’s’ not ‘auctions’
    Destruction of trust, Expires the vow

    A promise, nay, a gamble, to begin anew
    A wary path, perchance a falter
    The hopes of another, The liability undertaken – delete ‘the’
    Expectancy of change, Remberance of pain
    Another’s world is fractured, Brought down as scorn – delete ‘is’
    The desire leeches, It muddles my premise
    Releasing only, When riddance is wrought
    Angst of realization, Torture of hurt
    The final outcome, Divides my world
    Leisure dead in heart and soul
    | Posted on 2005-02-10 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]


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