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No Today or Tommaro


Author: Lachesis
ASL Info:    16,f,wi
Elite Ratio:    6.94 - 281 /69 /6
Words: 197
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1275
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1174



Description:


This is just something I wrote while sitting around, thinking about how I can write something. It was supposed to sound like a journal writing of a grieving girlfriend/ letter to the dead boyfreind. not to sure how close I got let me know in a comment. Thans for reading and hope you like it.


No Today or Tommaro



The grass was green today.
The air so crisp and sweet.
You whispered in my ear,
your voice so sweet and neat.
Then you took my hand,
and me knees went weak.
No understands how much you mean to me.
You dropped me off and it was all okay.

We faught on the phone today.
All about our expectations and betray.
You just couldent forgive or say nay.
You hung up then, and ran away.

You didnt come again today.
You just washed you hands and walked away.
No one has seen you for a week and a day.
If I could have just one wish,
I'd wish you were all okay.

I couldent see today.
Only your body in the ditch,
slight of decay.
You no longer smelled as sweet as my memory.
My heart stopped beating.
I dont believe this.

It rained outside today.
Only little to my dismay.
I never saw this coming.
I heard the thunder.
I heard the lighting clatter.
And only then I knew you were dead to me,
and the world.







Submitted on 2005-02-10 19:49:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This is a really good well written poem
You definately show a lot of emotion

I am guessing your talking about a boyfriend who played you

Luckily you were able to realize it before it got way too far
A very Good Write
Take Care
Ron


Please if you get a chance take a look at my poetry and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  this poem has a lot of meaning to it and I love the way you worded it. I had a friend that actually killed himself when his girlfriend left him and I'm never going to be able to forget it..you did a great job.
| Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by t0_eazy | [ Reply to This ]
  At last, the post I've been waiting for. You have commented on so many of my pieces that I've felt bad for not returning the favor so...here goes.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

(I may repeat what others have said and I may not I won't know until I'm through) As far as the subject matter is concerned I feel as though you over thought it. Instead of thinking of what someone would feel in a situation like this, mentally put yourself in that situation. don't just consider how you would feel...feel it. A lot of what you see in my poetry (I say my because I can't speak for other poets) is emotions that I'm feeling at the time of the write. I tend to have an overactive imagination and having such really helps me get behind the poem on an emotional level. As far as the rhyme scheme goes, get rid of it. Either edit or rewrite but I think for such a somber subject you would be better off with no set structure, just flow. The inspiration is there and so is the talent but...(yes I said but)...as many poets I look up to have told me-"The challenge isn't in the writing, but in the editing" just when you think it's good enough, dismantle it and build it again. There is always room for improvement. I hope you take these suggestions to heart. You are an awesome writer (although I don't think you do it often enough). Please keep them coming, I do so enjoy reading your stuff.
-Light
| Posted on 2005-02-11 00:00:00 | by Lightbringer | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah i like this ...Theres nothing technical for me to comment on that hasnt been said ...I enjoyed it though ..and i love the idea behind it ...If you do revise it ....Let me know so i can re-check it out ...But i think its fine the way it is too....The ending was kinda chilling for me ...It was great to get to the end of that and get tingles up my spine ...
Good work ...I look forward to reading more from you
| Posted on 2005-02-11 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
  very very sad. people dont realize how quickly someone can be gone in such a way and take their presence for granted.

i read your description, and i dont really think the rhymes go well with this. this is suppose to be a journal type read, so i cant really picture that with all the rhymes.
also the title. i dont know if spelling tomorrow wrong has some kind of meaning to it??? does it?? to be honest the fact that it was spelled weird is what made me read it.
other than that i did really like this. some parts are just sooo vivid. i could see a partially decayed body layin in a ditch as i read that. so so sad
| Posted on 2005-02-10 00:00:00 | by SilentWhisper | [ Reply to This ]
  Tomorrow, sis, tomorrow. 1st stanza, 7th line, no one. 3rd stanza, 2nd line, your. Otherwize, it was good, but I'd rewrite it like Cat said. No offense, just a suggestion.
| Posted on 2005-02-10 00:00:00 | by Klotho | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. That was sooo serious. You really did a great job capturing my emotions. You made me feel the sorrow, pain, and agony. You have a great talent. A few mispelled words here and there and a few little grammar problems but other then that...bravo!

Alicia
| Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]


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