Collateral Damage by Leala

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Submission Name: Collateral Damage dots

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Author:	Leala
Elite Ratio:	3.72 - 245/299/70
Words:	101

Class/Type:	Poetry/Society
Total Views:	355
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	707

Description:
Well, I actually wrote this quite a while ago. And it was my favorite..my feature.. But I wanted some new comments. Is this any good? Hows the structure? Any suggestion to word or phrase changes?

please let me know. this poem is so important to me.

Collateral Damage dots

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Life pushes my nodding head;
in its tub of dirty laundry
and Hell waves a rancid flag for air,
as I scream for retribution.

Tie my hands behind my back
with ribbons of unfulfilled promises.
Little kids look for lost puppies,
as teenagers secretly meet cyber-wolves.

Push me in the river of self-deception,
weighted down by international accomplishments.
As people sit in prison for indecent exposure
men are humiliated in woman’s view.

Let me float to lost Atlantis
on the backs of love and hope.
The Devil offers peace and friendship
while the church turns away the persecuted.

Submitted on 2005-02-11 18:19:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Do you hate the world?
Does it sicken you?
Are you happy?

Colten
| Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by Colten | [ Reply to This ]
  st1: the first line you have “nodding” my first impression was that it was nodding in agreement however I remembered another use of the word means to have the head fall in drowsiness also it means to show a sign of respect. I am going with drowsy almost weary in this context. A nodding head into a tub of dirty laundry this may be a feeling toward the ills of society whether it is seen first hand or from the media. Even a popular song comes into mind when I think of dirty laundry. Moving on to “hell waves a rancid flag” I would take “rancid” to mean spoiled. A flag could be a sign, warning, something the bears the mark of a protectorate, etc. When I visualize this line I see an approaching army. In metaphor it could be an illustration for the degradation of society. symbolically evil could be supplanted as a form of conquering, it is with the air hmm to air out or to be in the air so all may see. one must also open the door for “hell” to be used in its slightly “lighter” term as something that make someone very uncomfortable, as in “she gives me hell” perhaps that would bring line 3 more smoothly into line four in the context. Then again there are other things I still see other possible meanings. I like ambiguity myself you can have so many different views for one thing.

st2: lines 1 and 2 here “tie my hands behind my back…” this projects helplessness, with a ribbon sounds a tiny bit more comfortable (even in some cases acceptable almost) as oppose to a rope or cuffs; probably why it is described as promises unfulfilled. Ok the next two lines I think I have to take literal. The teenagers meeting “cyber-dudes” part of the brave new world we are in and a lot of bad things do happen. “Cyber-dudes” I don’t not know about that one, it is odd I think that could be better.

st3: “the river of self deception” first one is being pushed into it, also on the second line the weighted part with international accomplishments this I take as a political statement the river being something that flows, self-deception could be ones own mind made up even in the face of tyranny and/or lies. The third line is a mystery to me and the fourth line reminds me of what I see in the media, how men are being portrayed. One commercial a man was with his wife at a Best Buy store. She wanted to shop and she figured her man would be ok at the electronic section, as if he were a child being distracted by the electronics. That is just one small thing but it is on the rise that humility and insult of men. I guess some would think turnabout is fair play, so I am sure that issue not one sided. Other than that I think of the prison in Iraq where those men were stripped naked and made to perform indecent acts with other men. Let me know what this really is though because I am interested to know.

st4: to want to get away is understandable. just today I was talking to a roommate how it would be nice to make a boat trip around the world, that just makes me think there must be many people who think of off the wall things like that when society goes down the toilet. The Devil offering peace and friendship that is a heavy line there and can mean a lot. one thing it could mean is that non-pure things are more palatable to society perhaps it is another illustration of its condition. And the church line as well seems like it says “look even those who claim to be good are themselves evil or wrong” It has an impending doom feel to it.

well that is my view on it, I don’t know how good of a view it is but I tried. Well done and a very intriguing write,

~mike
| Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice- you can tell it is very personal. I think it’s great- The last lyne is awesome! You rok on! - Peace, love and unattainable, untrainable circus midgets with hangovers and badd haircuts- ~#6-
| Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
  its "let me float to lost Atlantis on the backs of Love and Hope."

I just want to point out for future readers who dont get that ( sorry to those of you who do ) I'm hinting at that Love and Hope are becoming things of myth like lost Atlantis.

this poem is meant to be metaphorical.
| Posted on 2005-02-11 00:00:00 | by Leala | [ Reply to This ]
  very interesting.especially the last couple of lines.the devil?what a guy.come on.tell us more.this is a great poem full of powerful imagery.it shifts and changes taking the reader on a trip through the workings of your mind.i really think that you have succeeded wonderfully with this one.good luck and fare well.
| Posted on 2005-02-11 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
  this piece wasn't the best I've read. It made me confused and dizzy almost makin me want to throw up just after a rollercoaster ride. It's messy and your punctuations dont lead me in the way I think should be read. What made it dificult was the use of words, certain ones.
| Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by lmen | [ Reply to This ]

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