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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bulletdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: the apocrypha
    Elite Ratio:    3.37 - 185/192/48
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1046
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 548



    Description:
       Somewhat different from my usual style I guess...hope you enjoy it nonetheless.
    (Reworked around 2 am)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBulletdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You don't think
    You could ever change

    With an ambition like a sink
    And dreams like black holes
    Eating, swallowing, devouring
    Every attempt to remain in control

    Ha, who would ever imagine
    That life could be so short

    And the solution? Like a last resort
    The gun's weighing on the table
    And the trigger's screaming to be pulled

    You know, because your mind is so unstable
    That you'd so surely blow it up if you could




    Submitted on 2005-02-12 10:50:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, this is dark, but I'm not averse to dark (duh).

    With an ambition like a sink
    And dreams like black holes
    Eating, swallowing, devouring
    Every attempt to remain in control

    That is a really good description of severe depression. "Eating, swallowing, devouring" sounds like medicating or self-medicating.

    Ha, who would ever imagine
    That life could be so short

    And the solution? Like a last resort
    The gun's weighing on the table
    And the trigger's screaming to be pulled

    I would think that someone would worry about life being too long. However, perhaps there are other circumstances. It's horrible that someone would be so down.

    You know, because your mind is so unstable
    That you'd so surely blow it up if you could

    I'm glad to know that this person can't do it. I admit that I didn't care for some of your rhymes (short/ retort), but I liked it overall. It's scary how many people actually feel that way.
    | Posted on 2005-02-13 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      this works better, but i'm still not convinced.

    the use of the two similes in the second verse is good, but i'm not sure of saying 'like' twice in such quick succession. made it clumsy for me. also i don't think you need so many words to describe consumption. i would suggest something like:

    With an ambition like a sink
    and dreaming of black holes
    swallowing, devouring
    to remain in control

    not this exactly, but do you see what i mean?

    a similar dilemma in the fourth stanza with the repetition of 'and the'. also you use like again, i think it lessons the effect if you use the same devices too often.

    And the solution? a last resort?
    gun's weighing on the table
    Trigger's screaming to be pulled

    is only an example.

    the end i thought was a nice idea, but i think sometimes words can strangle a sentiment. i think you should try to economize here to give the end more impact.

    your mind is so unstable
    just one ... and it will blow

    just some suggestions and normally i wouldn't bother so much, but i really like the ideas here. keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
      Um.. I thought this got better at the end. The first part of it.. Didn't really make sense in my mind. But later in the poem.. It was good. But I also think you should work on you wording. I think this could be a good piece. Cause it has a good subject.
    About this yeah I think alot of people feel this way. They want to shoot theirselves. Some only think it, so do it.
    Luckily your not that person..
    Well anyways when you look over this.. Maybe you should change things around to make it better. I really think you have the potencial to do that.

    Stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, the last few lines are okay but the poem really kind of falls flat whilst explaining the point of the poem.

    Still good though.
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by Mieko | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with wilderness. I like the idea but it could be worded better. The end really makes it awesome. Good job!

    You know, because your mind is so unstable
    That you'd so surely blow it up if you could

    Blessed Be.
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by Sarah Leger | [ Reply to This ]
      like the ideas but i think it could be worded better. like, the way you're playing with words at the end is cool but not as effective as it could be.i cant comment atm as i've had no sleep, so i'll try and come back to this later.
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
      The beginning of the poem is what pulls me in, I disagree with Haecceity this poem wasn't simple. It was a complex spiral downwards with a the point of no return....much like the pain described in the poem.
    Very dark and very well done.
    Rubi
    | Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by Rubi_Roja | [ Reply to This ]


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