the use of the two similes in the second verse is good, but i'm not sure of saying 'like' twice in such quick succession. made it clumsy for me. also i don't think you need so many words to describe consumption. i would suggest something like:
With an ambition like a sink and dreaming of black holes swallowing, devouring to remain in control
not this exactly, but do you see what i mean?
a similar dilemma in the fourth stanza with the repetition of 'and the'. also you use like again, i think it lessons the effect if you use the same devices too often.
And the solution? a last resort? gun's weighing on the table Trigger's screaming to be pulled
is only an example.
the end i thought was a nice idea, but i think sometimes words can strangle a sentiment. i think you should try to economize here to give the end more impact.
your mind is so unstable just one ... and it will blow
just some suggestions and normally i wouldn't bother so much, but i really like the ideas here. keep it up.
Um.. I thought this got better at the end. The first part of it.. Didn't really make sense in my mind. But later in the poem.. It was good. But I also think you should work on you wording. I think this could be a good piece. Cause it has a good subject. About this yeah I think alot of people feel this way. They want to shoot theirselves. Some only think it, so do it. Luckily your not that person.. Well anyways when you look over this.. Maybe you should change things around to make it better. I really think you have the potencial to do that.
like the ideas but i think it could be worded better. like, the way you're playing with words at the end is cool but not as effective as it could be.i cant comment atm as i've had no sleep, so i'll try and come back to this later.
The beginning of the poem is what pulls me in, I disagree with Haecceity this poem wasn't simple. It was a complex spiral downwards with a the point of no return....much like the pain described in the poem. Very dark and very well done. Rubi