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    dots Submission Name: "WINDOWS"dots

    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 683
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 736


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    It's true
    your window I'd walk by
    I'd look up - we were eye to eye
    every time
    as if you were that
    someone I could never find.
    But lately, I'd walk by
    and I don't see you.
    I wonder if you noticed the same thing too.
    That today feels different in some way.
    My heart feels better,
    and the skies not as grey
    My soul doesn't belong to you,
    and my mind isn't on where you were today.
    And today as I walked past your window,
    I didn't even look up for you.
    Guess I'm moving on,
    It's true.
    opportunity was gone,
    for me and you.....


    Submitted on 2005-02-12 17:55:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey man. This is the last one on the list you gave. I went comment crazy. Seriously getting over someone is hard. Like you waled by and saw her but didn't speek then you didn't see her at all. Then you walk by and dont even look because she is no longer yours. You have given up on being with her because it is over. Reality was faced and you kept going. I guess I just went through this but took drugs to get over her. But it's all good now. Though I will never forget her and remember her I may feel saddened. But I will be happy with someone else. -james
    | Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      im movin on. at last i can see. life has been patiently waiting for meeeee and i know theres no guarantees but im not alone. ~eh hem~ ok im done singing now.
    this just kinda reminded me of that song Movin On. Im glad you realized that the window you looked into was something to move on from.
    I liked this. Yes the format made it a little difficult to read. Yes there were a few spelling errors here and there. BUT those are minor things that are easily fixable. I love how you didnt go on and on about the window, but described the feeling you get from the window.
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by SilentWhisper | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good... not particularly original, and personally I think it wasn't long enough, although usually I'm a sucker for a short poem.

    Basically, I think I would go back and write a whole new poem, and focus on that window part. You could say something about how you used to worship that window that poured forth the beauty within and now you just walk right past... or you could just elaborate on that subject within this poem. Either way, I would end the poem on the note of talking about the window thing, instead of the way you did...

    Please don't hate me for this review I'm in a very weird mood today. But it was a good write, and it made me think which is somewhat enjoyable on a day like this.

    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
      Seems like it has a good feeling to it. Something about it makes me smile a little. I don't know moving on sounds pretty fun. I guess I should try that sometime.
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by Das_Ein_Sinender | [ Reply to This ]
      That was nice. I do think you could fix the structure a bit. I think you need to fill up the gap in some places you have in your rhythm. Because it's so short, it would be really good to just have a steady rhythm. []=suggestions :

    It's true
    My heart feels better today,
    [it's] cleansed in some way.
    My soul is no longer yours,
    and my mind isn't closed, like it was before.
    And as I walked past your window,
    I didn't even look up for you.
    I'm moving on,
    [Really,] it's true.

    So yeah, just a suggestion. Also your rhyme is kind of weird in lines 4-6, but I didn't really know how to help. Just the nitpicking freaks like me will only notice

    Nice write.


    P.S. Btw, love your icon.
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by Quiet Clamor | [ Reply to This ]

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