your window I'd walk by
I'd look up - we were eye to eye
as if you were that
someone I could never find.
But lately, I'd walk by
and I don't see you.
I wonder if you noticed the same thing too.
That today feels different in some way.
My heart feels better,
and the skies not as grey
My soul doesn't belong to you,
and my mind isn't on where you were today.
And today as I walked past your window,
I didn't even look up for you.
Guess I'm moving on,
opportunity was gone,
for me and you.....
Hey man. This is the last one on the list you gave. I went comment crazy. Seriously getting over someone is hard. Like you waled by and saw her but didn't speek then you didn't see her at all. Then you walk by and dont even look because she is no longer yours. You have given up on being with her because it is over. Reality was faced and you kept going. I guess I just went through this but took drugs to get over her. But it's all good now. Though I will never forget her and remember her I may feel saddened. But I will be happy with someone else. -james
im movin on. at last i can see. life has been patiently waiting for meeeee and i know theres no guarantees but im not alone. ~eh hem~ ok im done singing now. this just kinda reminded me of that song Movin On. Im glad you realized that the window you looked into was something to move on from. I liked this. Yes the format made it a little difficult to read. Yes there were a few spelling errors here and there. BUT those are minor things that are easily fixable. I love how you didnt go on and on about the window, but described the feeling you get from the window.
This was pretty good... not particularly original, and personally I think it wasn't long enough, although usually I'm a sucker for a short poem.
Basically, I think I would go back and write a whole new poem, and focus on that window part. You could say something about how you used to worship that window that poured forth the beauty within and now you just walk right past... or you could just elaborate on that subject within this poem. Either way, I would end the poem on the note of talking about the window thing, instead of the way you did...
Please don't hate me for this review I'm in a very weird mood today. But it was a good write, and it made me think which is somewhat enjoyable on a day like this.
That was nice. I do think you could fix the structure a bit. I think you need to fill up the gap in some places you have in your rhythm. Because it's so short, it would be really good to just have a steady rhythm. =suggestions :
It's true My heart feels better today, [it's] cleansed in some way. My soul is no longer yours, and my mind isn't closed, like it was before. And as I walked past your window, I didn't even look up for you. I'm moving on, [Really,] it's true.
So yeah, just a suggestion. Also your rhyme is kind of weird in lines 4-6, but I didn't really know how to help. Just the nitpicking freaks like me will only notice