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    dots Submission Name: Hollow Place Insidedots

    Author: secret moon
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687/427/57
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1659
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1094

       This is pretty bad I guess but I decided to try something new.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHollow Place Insidedots

    Usually, when one – or just me –
    is writing a poem, he or she – or me – might
    commence the piece with a single worn-out phrase like
    Love, or
    things and clichés like that. But today
    I can’t just narrow it down that much. (You wouldn’t
    be able to either, in similar circumstance.) Today I
    have a whole dictionary streaming through my consciousness;
    terms emotion-words lyrics titles-of-books
    all there, all somehow
    related to you, and the space
    between the stars that you represent – to me, anyway.
    But on the whole, these words are
    sad, and unhappy, and full of it… that hope, I mean,
    that doesn’t mean anything and does more to wound
    than to fuel the fire of survival trying to stay alive inside
    of me. Before long, I figure, hopelessness will
    douse it. Then I’ll be left again, an empty shell, a
    corpse with a hollow place inside, a cavity where my
    Heart used to be. Nothing but a fragile

    Submitted on 2005-02-12 20:24:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey secret moon ;0)

    I have read the poem a couple of times to get a better idea of what you had in mind ;0) And I must say, that I really liked the idea, even though the rhythm is out of order, did it not disturb my mind when I read it ;0). You have really tried to paint the stream in your mind, hopelessness ;0) Even though you tried to be original, do you end up in clichés “To the stars that you represent”, helplessness, nothingness, emptiness as in the end “Nothing but a fragile, emptiness”, and do not as you wrote further up in the poem “I can’t just narrow it down that much”, because it sums up in things and clichés. I did really liked it though, because it made me think, which for me is the best quality of a poem ;0) Nice work ;0)

    Keep writing ;0)

    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      its always nice to try something new. and i like this one. new style. very new. it was like descrptive and then poetic and something completly different i have no word for. i liked the beginning. "or me". it was like your saying "just in case you dont understand iam talking about me". i dont know. thats my view on it. lovely really.
    | Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      This isn't bad at all. I find it slightly different than your usual poems, but it was a nice change. It was interesting, how instead of just writing a straight piece on confusion using the same old cliché terms, you wrote this piece keeping the cliché in mind and wrote around it.

    | Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by Orions Fire | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice work. I loved the format you applied to give out your message. It was very in your face and to me it was a poem for a poem.
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by jcantrell | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa, intersting style. Overall I really enjoyed your piece, the only part that got me was your piece didnt fit in very well with your ending.

    OK, so in the beginning you have an intersting assortment of words that all revolve are confusion, but at the end you turn strong with these words and your style changes. Its like, going from a simple-worded 1st grade book (NOT saying your work is first grade!), to a Tom Clancy Chapter. Perhaps though, you wanted to add the boldness, and if thats the case then excellent job:O)

    I like your piece, but I think the title does it no justice, like you're trying to avoid, it sounds cliché.

    Overall though, excellent job secret. Your pieces never sease to amaze me.

    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      Well at first I wanted to stop reading, to get up go to the bath room, work on my story/book thing. Anything else. I didn't think I was going to read the poem.
    I kept reading
    I didn't really have the energy to get up so I stuck with it. And you know what?
    I'm glad I did.
    "Today I
    have a whole dictionary streaming through my consciousness;
    terms emotion-words lyrics titles-of-books
    all there, all somehow
    related to you, and the space"

    <3 that part. I always feel like that, or at least most the time. LIke everything is just bouncing around inside me, words, thoughts, quotes. Just random things and I don't know how to make sense of it all.
    I was very glad I finished this piece.
    | Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by Cigarette Smoke | [ Reply to This ]

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