Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: :.Death From a Sparkle.:dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1107
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 813



    Description:
       I'd rather you tell me what you get...even though I believe the message is rather self explanatory, and a little different writing then what I usually do.

    Comments would be greatly appreciated...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots:.Death From a Sparkle.:dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Drag a Palm to your head
    Cake concrete in these lungs
    inhaling the crystals of
    a lie as eyes sparkle
    with static venom

    You're not my star up in the sky
    That special sparkle as I die
    Let this mistake
    bring a painful crystal
    to your eyes
    While I drain your fluid
    --from gravel lungs

    Your eyes
    don't shine
    They lay down to the ground
    as blades of whispering grass
    cut through them so small
    with a steady grow

    Whatever became of the heart
    made of (organ) tissue?
    Not the fake stone you portray
    plastered against my ribs

    Put this blade to the wrist
    and help me end what makes you
    a prolonged black and white.




    Submitted on 2005-02-12 21:45:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i like this a lot. i like the detail you put into it. the thought.



    Whatever became of the heart
    made of (organ) tissue?
    Not the fake stone you portray
    plastered against my ribs




    i think this is my favorite line. good work. sometimes you have to remind the ones you love that you have feelings to. and you bleed just like anyone else. i really like the title. it made me think of a piece of shiny glitter floating in the air. all the edges are sharp but it still looks so pretty. and you love it and let in in you cheast to float around your heart and one day it gets too close and the sharp edges tear a hole in your soul causing deal, if not mortally than immortally and you are still only a human. continue to write. i enjoy your work.











    tina
    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]
      okay yeah. wordslinger p*sseses me off. sorry that you have something against people who are depressed, you obviously have not been to that critical point yet. honestly-- keeping it inside is the WORST possible thing to do. ever. i did it and it just makes things worse because then it turns out to be your only outlet for any real emotion. pleasure, pain, pride, and guilt.

    i don't care if you really do cut, and i won't judge you for it. hell, i used to write about my friends who cut themselves because it hurt me so much to see them so suicical. i guess thats what happens when 2 people in your 8th grade class ill themselves, though.

    i wouldn't think that you have to have (organ) most people already know what you mean. if you wanted to clarify this id replace it with something like made of flesh, but thats just me. im a little weirdo who is going to writing class withdrawl. (i dont have any for the rest of the year!!!!!!!) lol

    the pictures that you painted in my head were phenomenal, but the last stanza i had a difficult time attaching to the rest of the piece. where did this black and white come from? yes, blood would bring in color to black and white, like the heart, but prolonged? it's a good adjective, lol, but i really don't know what it has to do with this.

    im having to reach through to the corners of my mind to connect it, but maybe thats what you're wanting of the reader. i don't know, mainly because im not you but also because i haven't responded to many peoples pieces lately. sadly enough...

    there was emotion, yet i could feel how you had to distance yourself from the situation in order to capture both sides. you did a very god job of that. thanks for the provocation of my thoughts and the pictures this produced.

    peace love and new found vegetarianism,
    =-=hillarie=-=
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by falloutgirl | [ Reply to This ]
      It was going good with the complex imagery I couldn't really understand the meaning of(Which I didn't really try either...I don't usually care what most poems are about because they don't strike me as particularly interesting, I just let myself ride the imagery roller coaster) And then came the cutting. Uhg. I am biased against cutting poems, because I think it only promotes cutting so other cowards who can't bring themselves to just end their own lives can baby it and just hurt themselves little and little because they can't just do us all a favor and either get some help and tell people their problems or kindly remove their genes from the gene pool. Not accusing you of cutting, but that just kinda killed it for me.
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]
      I could be totally wrong, but I believe you're talking about yourself being crushed (emotionally) by someone you loved and had the highest respect for. And I guess now that "sparkle" has become dim to you because they lied and your perception of them has shattered.
    Quite tragic if my interpretation is correct. And please let me know if I'm wrong or right.
    | Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by Ziplock006 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    46577

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry