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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rays in Disarraydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 68
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 651
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 412



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRays in Disarraydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Some days the sun gets coy
    hiding behind clouds
    when her face breaks out in spots,
    or her rays are in disarray.
    Sometimes she plays
    peek-a-boo with children,
    but she is happy
    to give the moon
    a fraction of her glow,
    of her sweetness.
    She hates to see his sad face,
    so she gives him a bit of gleam
    to add to his smile.




    Submitted on 2005-02-13 22:58:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      excellent personification of the sun and the moon. original and beautiful. I seem to take the sun and moon for granted most of the time, but I don't think I will any longer.
    | Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with Joey it sounds like a children's story. you have all you need in there (just expand it a bit), the only things that are missing are some pictures to it. I'm sure kids will enjoy it.
    | Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      I see Conor is the last lines of this, maybe it was intended, it's just an intuitive observation. I understand that you're grounding her in the human perspective, and it's nice. I love your lines about the sun's play, she's always different and has the moods of many in the palm of her hand. Sun hiding behind clouds, being coy is a great image. And she shares her light with the moon, these are cool ideas, nice job, Amy.
    Hugs and love,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I really love this! I have those days where I feel blah and I want to hide in my disarray. Seriously, you need to publish a book. Along with many other talented people on here. You really did personify these well though that it would be great to go in a childrens book or even a regular poetry book. But I just loved it. :) Happy Valentines Day! :) Great job.
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I certainly enjoyed the imagery that you used. I guess it was sort of strange for me to identify with the moon as a male figure, because to me, she is the Mother moon. But I enjoyed seeing it otherwise. I think that it's a very nice poem. I also liked the interaction with the children.
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by melancholymaid | [ Reply to This ]
      this DOES sound like a children's story. I can picture the illustrations in my head [too bad i can't draw them]. thought you said your kiddie stories were too complex... ;-)
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very sweet, I have to agree. It kinda reminds me of kids playing, and all of those situations when the sun is so bright and warming over you. The only thing I might suggest is some commas at the end of lines, just to give it some pauses. Very nice work.
    Laura
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by etheariac | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the idea of the sun being coy and hiding behind the clouds. you know how i enjoy personifying things and emotions! i had to laugh at the thought of the sun with her rays in disarray! looking a bit like Medusa with the snakes in her hair. she is such a good friend, too, in giving the moon a bit of her shine. very sweet, Amy.
    | Posted on 2005-02-13 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      i love writes about the sun and moon...specially when they are given personality...as if everything of earth has it own personalirty waiting to be discovered and written...i just love some of the lines...the part of the suns having rays of disarray...loving that...oh and now reading the comments this actually would be quite a cute kids story...purp
    | Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      [[Some days
    The sun gets coy]]

    haha i really like those lines. this is such a nice, playful poem. i really liked it and the way you made the sun seem vain, but also sweet and caring at the same time. i also love the title. im trying to think of some constructive critisism, but i really cant find anything wrong with it. nice write :)
    sophie

    P.S. i like

    [[But she is happy
    To give the moon
    A fraction of her glow]]

    a lot as well :)
    | Posted on 2005-02-23 00:00:00 | by sudie | [ Reply to This ]


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