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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Drop the Cliches (V-day poem)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: srcastic1
    ASL Info:    18/F/IA
    Elite Ratio:    6.29 - 96/97/28
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 720
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 863



    Description:
       This was an extra credit Valentine's Day assignment for my writing class. I love a chance to show off my creativity with a structured assignment like this. Here were the rules, I'm pretty sure I followed:
    1. 14 lines long
    2.1st and 14th line must rhyme
    3. 1 line with 14 syllables
    4. line following 14 syllable line must have 1 syllable and those two lines must rhyme.
    5. line #9 must have an aliteration
    6. You may not use the word "love", but you must use "and the rocket's red glare"
    7. You must use the name of a team sport
    8. must be entirely endjambed except on last line (punctuation wise)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDrop the Cliches (V-day poem)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Will you be my valentine" was fine...
    in 1959, but now I need a more
    creative romantical-type line. Will you
    let me be the kool whip atop your apple pie? My sweet
    reduced-fat goodness will hopefully suffice. I long to be your
    Everest so you can climb my peaks, to be the duct-tape
    on your raft (making sure it never leaks). I'd kill to
    be the all-star player in your football game and the
    rocket's red glare in your anthem's sweet snaring melody
    only...
    please make sure that our pitch stays the same. I could be
    the perfect "36" on your ACT, the bullzye on your target
    and the winning ticket for your lottery. It's fine with me, I'll pine for thee
    until my heart explodes, but first I'd like to know: will you be mine?




    Submitted on 2005-02-14 06:09:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think you did a mighty fine job, considering all the rules and stipulations you had to abide by. I sure as hell would give up in frustration myself. Or tear my hair out... either/or, the results wouldn't be pretty!

    I also have to agree with Mister Fizzle that your enjambed lines worked out really well and in fact contributed to the onwards flow of this piece.

    Did you really mean 'bullzye' or 'bulls-eye'? I'm guessing it's the way you like to spell it if you're familiar with the normal way of spelling it. Anyways, I was just wondering.

    Even though I'm not from the States and have no idea what any American Football team name's are, it was pretty easy to guess that ACT were one.

    I'm amazed you managed to fit in the line 'and the rocket's red glare' - that would've made me go nuts trying to figure out how to put that in. And I noticed you put in on the ninth line to incorporate the alliteration rule - very clever and sneaky of you lol.

    Overall, a very creative piece and you stuck to the guidelines fabulously.

    Nice one.

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-10-26 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Bravo! Persona grata. An ostentatious use of creativity over the hurdles of stringent writing rules from a pedantic pedagogue. I especially applaud you for these lines:
    I could be the perfect "36" on your ACT, the bullzye on your target and the winning ticket for your lottery.
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by smily | [ Reply to This ]
      Reading this made me want to try to do it. But, I'm too lazy You did a stupendous job though! I loved how you used such common things to describe love, makes perfect sense but it's not all ultra-romanticized and love-drippy. Different way of saying I love you but still getting the point across. Very unique, I loved it; "you're the jam in my jelly roll" (dessert) *wink*
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]
      Mister F is right, you've done a good job especially with all the stipulations. Without them even, is till like this. I do think its a shame though, the the rhyme between the 1st and 14th line is one that you've used previously. It ruined it slightly for me. Its a very romantic piece and you use romantic scenarios that i'd have never thought of. Well done, considering the usual things people use are rose, candle or another overused metaphor. There is actually very little for me to critisise, i liek the flow etc, but thats makign this into a bad comment so i'll shut up about that. But i'm sorry i can think of nothing more to say about this, its a very complete poem and adding more would kill the idea off.
    I hope you got good marks.
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by Fifi | [ Reply to This ]
      very very cool indeed. I'm glad you posted the description of all the stipulations. It really gives us a new understanding of just HOW creative you were to come up with this piece. The 14 to 1 syllable rhyme was sweet. I mean the fact that you enjambed the whole piece and still managed to keep a precision flow was dynamite.


    Great work here, much enjoyed on this valentines day.


    peace,
    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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