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untitled


Author: morte
ASL Info:    17/female/earth
Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430 /348 /55
Words: 64
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1212
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 569



Description:


This is a very rough draft...this write started out as just a bunch of jumbled thoughts and i'm trying to string them together because i see some potential in them...any suggestions, especially for a title, would be greatly appreciated...
thanks


untitled



Kissing you
With lies
Smothering
Your cries

Blood shed tears
Soul burned
Smokey fears
Choking

Reality
Charred black
By your control
Or lack

Window pane
Broken
Like a vein
Opened

A mirror just
Reflects
Shattered glass
Perfects

Leaking life
A draft
From the knife
Shaping clouds

Blood covering
The sun
Death’s only
Begun




Submitted on 2005-02-14 20:57:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I really liked this piece, The word choice is simply amazing as is the image the poem evokes. It's been a while since I've read anything close to this, although believe me this is quite original. The images of pain and darkness throughout the piece definitely set the right mood. Like poeticblindness, I don't think the "shaping clouds" fits the other imagery. I really think it may just be the word -shaping-, but then again it may just be me. Keep up the awesome work.
J
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
  i loved it. had a smooth mood to me. liked the wayit sounds if you read it outloud.

Leaking life
A draft
From the knife
Shaping clouds

'shaping clouds' didnt fit in right to me. was kind of akward.

Reality
Charred black
By your control
Or lack

favorite one. speaks the truth to me. caught my attention more. lovely.

-soomie
| Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
  no offense, but it deffinitely looks like a rough draft. i will try to come up with some suggestions for you...but i don't know that i could do much good, because i think that this should be finished by you and you alone, because you are the only one who knows what is going through your head and what the meaning is behind it all. like i said, i will try to come up with some suggestions, and i will tell you later.
| Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
  it would be a great intro to a storie. very descriptive in your word choise. i hope you refine it to your liking and tell me when you have i would like to read it.
-snuff
| Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by snufthepunk28 | [ Reply to This ]


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