Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "One Less Mouth to Feed"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 282
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 696
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1543



    Description:
       I hate meatloaf!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"One Less Mouth to Feed"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    As I stood on the chair,
    all I thought about was
    the hard times we've shared.
    Mom did all she could,
    we always had food
    and were treated good.
    But there are those days.
    Days of struggle cause
    Mom didn't get paid.
    But together we'd huddle
    in a circle of struggle.
    Comforting our loving family.
    To see them hurt, just kills me.
    6 kids foodstamps,
    Meatloaf once again.
    You get used to it
    when moneys not a friend.
    But tonight before the morning light.
    I'm gonna make things a little more right.
    A selfless act....
    To ease the weight
    they carry on their back.
    Tomorrow they will feel sorrow.
    But soon reasons they'll know.
    Hopefully then they will understand.
    I was only thinking of them.
    I was being a man.
    The hardship too constant to deal with.
    I am the oldest they don't need to feel it.
    I want to give them a little more,
    at least closer to things they can afford.
    So the rope around my neck just right.
    I step off that chair in the dead of the night.
    The rope and I became one,
    a small step and my families
    hardship was done.
    I offer relief , don't cry for me,
    this sacraficial deed,
    I did, for them...
    now there's one less mouth to feed.

    L A M E M A N S T E R M S




    Submitted on 2005-02-15 19:56:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, [censored]. You've gone and given me chills. I was raised in a family much like the one you describe here. I can't say that such thoughts never crossed my mind. The sad truth of this one is that all you've accomplished is to add more grief and sorrow to an already tough situation. The way me and my siblings got through was by constantly making each other laugh. We found humor in everything. To take that away, and for a good long time, is to add to the suffering...also, how would the mother ever get past the guilt of knowing one of her babies commited suicide because she couldn't provide properly for her family?

    I think this piece is excellent, because whether or not the reader can accept this as an act of sacrifice and selflessness, the emotions are strong enough to make us feel them and deal with them. Can't ask for much more than that.
    | Posted on 2005-02-16 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      You could have done the decent thing and simply left home, got a job in another state and posted money back home to your folks instead of giving them the additional grief of a suicide in the family. Such a selfish thought, suicide - don't you think. I must admit that when I left home at 17, that was the comment my parents made: "Good, you can take your mouth and your dirty washing with you!' Anyway, what's this with meatloaf? Protein, eh! If you'd been raised like I was on cabbage and beetroot, you would have given your right arm for a bit of meatloaf.
    | Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      No kidding how has noone commented on this yet? It's a great piece! I consider myself a fairly picky man when it comes to personal writings but damn you got every area. It's simplistic, it portrays it's points without using fancy dialogue, as one from a suffering family would even write it. It's perfect in so many ways. Sure there's always room for improvement but I think that's what makes this so great. I saw the ending coming halfway through it and I was skeptical if you'd pull it off but you did it profoundly. Job well done, keep up the great work.
    | Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
      i find it so weird that no one has commented on this, especially since it got a vote. it was pretty sad actually that the eldest would take his own life to make sure that his younger siblings had a little better chance at getting the things they need. very emotional. the only thing that i really didnt like that you used the number 6 instead of writing it out. i noticed you typed out the number one but not six.
    anyway thats just me nitpicking
    | Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by SilentWhisper | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    46965

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry