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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Felonious Bystanderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: majinkenshinamv
    ASL Info:    20/M/Vegas
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 70/50/13
    Words: 283
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Love
    Total Views: 1037
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1758



    Description:
       It's obvious I need to add a little more about what I was going for with this, which is my bad. I accidently labeled it poetry and I think it's more of random thoughts. I didn't want it to be like anything I usually write, I more wanted it to be straight from the mind, like how you think, not how you describe things to others. I just wanted it to be an expression of some thoughts and references. I don't expect anyone to like it so if you are skeptical don't bother reading it. I just thought I'd put something totally raw and unedited up for some change.

    I don't know if I like it or not but I refuse to edit it because I don't want to ruin it's original thought qualities. No talent qualifications or grammatical perfections. I want it to be imperfect and raw. But I will take criticism if you've got it, I always love to hear what anyone has to say, good or bad. So bring it on. (and yes I purposely wanted it to not rhyme until the very end if you wondered. I wanted the style to change just like the thought process was.)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFelonious Bystanderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Staring at them, soaked in blood,
    absorbed with pain,
    sustained from the battering of asphalt.
    They should be. They murdered you.

    Cold and ruthless, thinking only of themselves.
    Holding my head up, wiping my tears away.
    It must have been jealousy, running in the veins,
    to not reach out and save you.

    I hate them so much, I can never forgive them.
    Yet you wanted them to stay alive.
    You held them in your last moments.
    You forgave them for me.

    Please come back, I値l let them have you.
    I壇 suffer that tragedy to hear your voice once more.
    But they will never be satisfied; they値l squeeze you for your last drop.
    And you壇 let them too.
    You were so selfless.

    You loved me so much,
    and I couldn稚 even give you that love in return.
    How could you accept that?
    How often did you shed tears for me?

    Questions I値l never have the answers to,
    but I値l always wonder.
    I値l always wonder how I let them take you away.
    How I let them watch you die.

    In the end you were so right.
    These hands I blamed everyday,
    the same hands you once forgave and held so tightly,
    are now giving happiness to someone.
    Someone who needed it like I once did.
    Someone that reminds me of me,
    just like I reminded you of you.

    This someone I love with all my soul.
    This someone has given me back control,
    of hands I blamed for all my sorrow.
    Of hands I thought stole my tomorrow.

    And now there痴 no one left to blame.
    I have forgiven these hands of shame.




    Submitted on 2005-02-15 23:21:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It might be raw, but it doesn't read like you probably want it to. The product doesn't always reflect the process that produced it; do a long, careful revision, and it could seem spontaneous and free-flowing.
    Too many of the phrases are wordy and overused: "This someone has given me back control," as an example-lots of the poem is like this. The words aren't descriptive or colorful, and the rhythm doesn't require such long lines.
    Without strong, compact imagery, a poem is forgetable. All I can remember of this is the initial reference to the bloody hands and concrete. I know you had a larger story in it, but it didn't stick out because there wasn't a picture to tie it to.
    Make it compact and image-rich. You might need to just start over, so you can replace all the automatic phrases with your own words.
    | Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by Rokhal | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I disagree with everyone else, this grabbed me. (But then, it would...) I myself revise nearly everything, because I want to express it just right. But this, I think, is very good the way it is; this time the 'rawness' does it justice. Off the top of my head, no big suggestions. The imagery and feeling were good, they make this a strong piece. Props to you, I like it a lot.
    | Posted on 2005-02-23 00:00:00 | by rounin | [ Reply to This ]


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    46992

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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