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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ye Not Guiltydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: particularshard
    ASL Info:    23/m/DC
    Elite Ratio:    4.21 - 1159/1392/363
    Words: 453
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 969
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2829



    Description:
       Its true - bad things happen to good people, and sinners have all the luck.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYe Not Guiltydots
    -------------------------------------------


    My father paid for his sins in full
    At the time such attempts were just cock and bull
    Now I'm cocked to pull
    And the triggers cold
    In the fire of life
    Feeling ancient and old -
    Same as it ever was
    But i don't feel wise.
    Just because I'm scared I fire eyes.
    Arbitrary evaluations,
    I forgive all your wrongs,
    Someone must still pay for mine.
    Forgive me? Not that strong.

    Like
    You must do what your heart and your loins
    Dictate,
    And if they don't consult your head,
    That engenders no hate -
    At least not in my mind
    But its not that I'm kind -
    I was raised to see other things
    And to this I am blind.
    Truly I'm flattered
    Though it isn't my way
    Still it never mattered
    Many friends wanted to play.
    This is not my fault
    So you should not be punished.


    Like
    It took me so long to get you
    And I wish that I hadn't,
    Since now some of the things you say
    Leave me in sadness.
    Its hard to not be materialistic,
    When you've never had shit.
    And it seems special to have your mind respected
    When its never been fit.
    You don't even know how to be properly courted,
    And you even try to court me!
    And that's not really important,
    Merely trying for me.
    I would love to be had
    But for now no one can have me,
    For now I have to be bad,
    But you don't have to be treated badly.
    That man wants you as a prize
    And you're better than that,
    But I want the world and the skies,
    That's just where I'm at.
    What does it mean to you?
    To me its something I just do.
    Though the fault is only partially mine,
    So you will not be punished.

    Like
    I know that you’re sorry
    You did all you knew how
    And it was more than enough
    But I'm just not allowed
    To be much better than I was
    Because that's who I am
    And my words can't be wrong
    Even from within a beer can.
    It broke my heart the other day,
    To see you frantically try and hide,
    To walk just a little bit faster
    And to not see my eyes.
    The issue that night was big,
    Bigger than you could ever know,
    And even if you did I wouldn’t hold you to it –
    Your mother poisoned you with dope.
    The shame of it all
    Was your ill-thought out crush –
    God forbid someone so kindhearted
    Might fall for a lush!
    Its not at all your fault.
    So indeed
    You must be punished.




    Submitted on 2005-02-16 13:51:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I can't understand it all, honestly. Even after re-reading it, I can't connect this with that and get the answer. But I can see how much of this really came from you. How original and thought-out this poem is. There was a lot of painful and shaking phrases. I especially enjoyed the last stanza. It seemed I understood it more than the others.
    | Posted on 2005-02-16 00:00:00 | by Sexy Buddha 03 | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm really connecting with this piece. Some of the lines are just really hitting home for me. As far as the elements of the poem go, I thought starting each stanza with "Like" was very clever. It creates a feeling of familiarity and aloofness. It leaves a little room for a bit of uneasiness. Your last three stanzas are all very clear and eloquent. They mesh together effortlessly but it is apparent that much thought was put into them. I had a bit of trouble with the first stanza and as I thought it over, it seems as if you compressed what could potentially be two stanzas into one. Everything you fit into that stanza feels a little compressed and it could be expanded on. But I'm still caught up by my ability to relate to this. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2005-02-16 00:00:00 | by Memphis | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't understand it all, honestly. Even after re-reading it, I can't connect this with that and get the answer. But I can see how much of this really came from you. How original and thought-out this poem is. There was a lot of painful and shaking phrases. I especially enjoyed the last stanza. It seemed I understood it more than the others.

    Regardless of how much I comprehended your meaning, I loved this poem. I loved how I couldn't quite get it. I loved how there is such a deepness throughout the whole piece. I love how it adds a touch of hurt, a touch of meanness, even a touch of bitterness. With all these touches, I feel you wrote a beautiful poem. Thanks for sharing it.
    | Posted on 2005-02-16 00:00:00 | by slickviper097 | [ Reply to This ]
      This blew me the [censored] away, because there are so many layers in this that I'm connecting with. I know about your dad; you told me. My parents were pretty [censored] too, and it's left a mark on me.
    But there are other things in this too. This poem is all about you, but the beauty of poetry is that if I want it to be, it's all about me.

    My father paid for his sins in full
    At the time such attempts were just cock and bull
    *This seems a bit long winded, the second line. To get it polished, you'd need to edit it to exclude some of the extraneous syllables in L2.

    Now I'm cocked to pull
    And the triggers cold
    *I like this because it shows that you don't automatically reach for the "gun" (metaphorical, I know) whenever things get tough.

    In the fire of life
    Feeling ancient and old -
    Same as it ever was
    But i don't feel wise.
    *Lea-Lines. I know this feeling. I like the juxtaposition of "cold" against "fire".

    Just because I'm scared I fire eyes.
    *You mean... cutting eyes, right? And I like that in comparision to the gun. *

    Arbitrary evaluations,
    I forgive all your wrongs,
    *Lea-lines(LL from now on)... I get this with my mum... she's let me down so many times and each time, I forgive.*

    Someone must still pay for mine.
    Forgive me? Not that strong.
    *LL... yeah!*

    Like
    You must do what your heart and your loins
    Dictate,
    *Why the enjambment there?*

    And if they don't consult your head,
    That engenders no hate -
    At least not in my mind
    *I think you need a period there.*

    But its not that I'm kind -
    I was raised to see other things
    And to this I am blind.
    * Like the pun :P*

    Truly I'm flattered
    Though it isn't my way
    Still it never mattered
    *This is where I get nitty on you. What never mattered? And what's flattering you?*

    Many friends wanted to play.
    This is not my fault
    So you should not be punished.
    *It was here that I stopped the first time though. How come they shouldn't be punished, if it's not your fault?*

    Like
    *Think you could use a comma or ellipses here*

    It took me so long to get you
    And I wish that I hadn't,
    Since now some of the things you say
    Leave me in sadness.
    *I like the subtle rhyme with hadn't/sadness*

    Its hard to not be materialistic,
    When you've never had [censored].
    *LL... true, true, true. Might explain the whole Bling-Thing wif you rappers :P*

    And it seems special to have your mind respected
    When its never been fit.
    *LL... I so know this...*

    You don't even know how to be properly courted,
    And you even try to court me!
    *This is LL again, but I gotta say, you appear to have jumped from a parental issues to romantic, now.*

    And that's not really important,
    Merely trying for me.
    *In this, do you mean "trying" as in hard? Or someone trying, doing things, for you?*

    I would love to be had
    But for now no one can have me,
    For now I have to be bad,
    *All of the last few lines have been LL, by the way...*

    But you don't have to be treated badly.
    That man wants you as a prize
    And you're better than that,
    *This actually sounds like two sides warring, or a girl and a guy going against each other.*

    But I want the world and the skies,
    That's just where I'm at.
    What does it mean to you?
    To me its something I just do.
    Though the fault is only partially mine,
    So you will not be punished.
    *Again, alllllll LL, but... again, you're really only "telling" that he will not be punished, and not why, and the whys are (imho) the most important part of a poem.*

    Like
    I know that you’re sorry
    You did all you knew how
    And it was more than enough
    *LL... this time going towards my dad, rather than my mum... I don't know if this affects everyone else but it's pretty haunting for me.*

    But I'm just not allowed
    To be much better than I was
    Because that's who I am
    *LL... but this time it's actually really freaky. This is so, so sad...*

    And my words can't be wrong
    Even from within a beer can.
    It broke my heart the other day,
    To see you frantically try and hide,
    *LL! Technically, I should be drawing strips from your hide because this is SO diary, it's leather-bound. [censored] the rules.*

    To walk just a little bit faster
    And to not see my eyes.
    The issue that night was big,
    Bigger than you could ever know,
    *LL*
    And even if you did I wouldn’t hold you to it –
    Your mother poisoned you with dope.
    The shame of it all
    Was your ill-thought out crush –
    God forbid someone so kindhearted
    Might fall for a lush!
    Its not at all your fault.
    So indeed
    You must be punished.

    This is bloody sad, mate. I dunno, I feel a right bond with you because we're like two total opposites but I think we've shared some very similar experiences. For that reason, I can read this like it was my journal. But I should say that diary writes are a no-no as a rule; you need to explain events, stories and happenings so that your readers aren't just being spoonfed your emotions.
    But I totally loved this.
    Lea
    | Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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