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    dots Submission Name: Transcending the Worlddots

    Author: secret moon
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687/427/57
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 798
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 716

       This is about church camp... my favorite part of the whole entire year. Please critique it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTranscending the Worlddots

    pale sun rises, and then transcends the world
    washing it inside-outside with purest pallets of hue
    smell spirals upward, a covey of doves –
    strong summer scent of dew-strewn grass
    crushed by a hundred fervent bare feet,
    clean, cleansing, cleaner sweat of each individual “together”;
    in the close distance, highest deep voices rise and blend –
    angels? here, a blur of
    self, of bodies and minds and more mercurial spirits;
    each nothing without that they , and they
    nothing without the each of them…
    a little closer to heaven than in the before

    Submitted on 2005-02-17 13:16:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      o boy, you had me going but the first sentence is way off grammar wise. The first few sentences are really pure and wholesome.. just give them a little room to breathe, and let the reader sink in.. maybe adding a little more build up to them too if you know what i mean. The rest is really amazing, but the descriptions are what are amazing, not really the flow. it was very fast paced almost with the wording, and it was very short but extremely sweet. Summer camp is truly amazing, even tho i do go to church camp and no longer believe in it, its one of the forms of true community... and i love it but thats all the way in new england. great write really.. very beautiful
    | Posted on 2005-02-17 00:00:00 | by Josh | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this poem alot. it's very flowing and beautiful.
    i recently started going back to church, and i think its the best decision that i've made for myself in a long time. your camp sounds very nice. keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2005-02-17 00:00:00 | by peach_tequilla | [ Reply to This ]
      something's off in the first line, like you are missing a word or something. what transcends the world? see what i mean?

    nothing without that they, and they
    nothing without the each of them

    this part didn't make sense to me. i wasn't sure what you were getting at.

    i do like some of the images here, tho. the pale sunrise, the dew-strewn grass, the covey of doves. i think with a little cleaning up this could be really great. it has that ethereal and spiritual quality, which is a good thing to have for a poem about church camp!
    | Posted on 2005-02-17 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Well you have some really good lines and word useage in this
    "pale sunrise, and then transcends the world
    washing it inside and out with its pure pallet of hue
    smell rises, a covey of doves –
    strong summer scent of dew-strewn grass
    crushed by a hundred fervent bare feet,"
    I think this part is almost beautiful...
    Now ... this made me think of when I went to church camp...was not fun at all for me...mainly because it was a ton of lutherans and we had bible study and they wouldn't let me go swimming because they said I looked like I would tire easily... Glad you enjoyed it though.
    | Posted on 2005-02-17 00:00:00 | by Cigarette Smoke | [ Reply to This ]
      I am so sorry. I skimmed this once and would've swore I read it! I feel so bad, I'm sorry I'm commenting so late.

    The first time I read this, it went RIGHT over my head and I was left in a stupor there, but reading it slow I've seen that this isnt a bad piece at all, and totally comprehendable.

    In all hoensty, my only peeve was with this line:

    "smell spirals upward, a covey of doves –"

    Smell just seems like an immature word for such a spectacular piece. Perhaps Lilacs, or a specific smell, or maybe I'm just not getting that and you're sitting there thinking, "GOSH, what an idiot."

    Overall though, as always, excellent job secret! I really really really enjoyed this one.


    So, seen LOST lately?
    | Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]

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