Death by Writer Chic

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Submission Name: Death dots

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Author:	Writer Chic
ASL Info:	15/F/at my house
Elite Ratio:	4.83 - 100/101/26
Words:	92

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	499
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	649

Description:
This is supposed to be a shakespearian sonnet
I wrote it for english class, so none of this represents me, I don't think that way about death, anyway, have go at it and see how I can improve,

Enjoy!!!!!

Death

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Death has no kindness,
To it's victims it has no mercy.
Killing with blindess,
Leaving loved ones behind with no clemency.
Taking nothing but all,
Neglecting not anyone, not anything.
Be careful!In it's trap you may fall.
It's promises are always fulfilled and genuine.
Painfully, yet slowly death seeps into our being,
Little by little, our days become numbered.
Before we come to death, death had already written us on the list.
Enough we would have already suffered.
Dear friends, death is our fate,
But believe me it's never too late

Submitted on 2005-02-18 06:22:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  ok this one hmmm I like these pieces that make me think in a different way.

line 1-2 I would say that to be very true of death it is never a kind thing. some would say it is a something we need to sustain the life that is living. now that is my general statement about death more specifically the end of a human life is something that I am not properly able to handle effectively. even after my grandfather died then my aunt and grandmother I have been still unwilling to accept that fact my own folks are not going to be here forever. I always hoped that I would die before them. so just on the first line I agree there is nothing kind about dying.

line 3 “killing with blindness” correction: yeah blindness needs to be fixed as of now it reads "blindess" I have this vision from that line of a statue like those ones in front of a courthouse lady justice? is that her name? except it would be death with a blindfold, a scythe, and a little black book. death does not pay respects to class, age, race, political affiliation, etc if he were an actual being I would say for him to be very cold, heartless even. if I were to assign a character in the Bible just for giggles, I would say Cain the first murderer should be death. don’t you think that would be a fitting? he has to take all those under his arm to their final resting place. I don’t know just some strange thoughts I have.

line 4 this line has me feeling odd the clemency always pegged me as those who are doomed to die but yet before they are executed they are saved. so I looked up clemency to see if I can get a more accurate definition of what it means: clemency mercy; forbearance. ok I suppose you could grant anyone clemency or have anyone be granted clemency. well I learn everyday

line 5 ok on this line “taking nothing but all” now it just doesn’t make sense to me. maybe a rephrase on that hmm let’s see “taking everything in all” hmm still don’t know maybe scrap all and go with something else. on line 7 you have fall, so you have to change that in order to make line 4 work. “Be careful in its trap you may fall” changing “fall” to “be caught” then back to the 4th line to put it into context “taking all he has sought”, “taking all that you got”, “fermented in the end his plot” (of course that last one is a little harder to say) just a few ideas there.

line 6 all shall pass through those gates. unless you are of the faith and think some will not taste death and will change within a twinkling of an eye to meet up with their Lord in the air, then no, all shall not pass through those gates. that hinges on what the belief is. yet even with a belief nothing is guaranteed.

line 7 ok already touched on this but I would like to further add here that a space needs to go between the exclamation and the word “in” the meaning yes it is a trap that is set to the factor of X meaning you do not know when it will come, from where, nor in what fashion it will rear its ugly head.

line 8 “It's promises are always fulfilled and genuine.” now this line is interesting to say the least on one hand I think what promises? and genuine? why is that so happy sounding ha ha then I stepped back and though wow that is an extremely sarcastic tone there I do love it. so its cool being a little ambiguous there.

line 9 “Painfully, yet slowly death seeps into our being,” this is an great line. one way I take it as someone dying off slowly in pain. then with the eyes of science I see that we do after a certain age begin to “die” off in the aging process this starts on the cellular level. then I also saw this line as a realization for the person to come to grips with the “pain” of knowing they are going to die. line 9 is my favorite here! so far…

line 10 “Little by little, our days become numbered.” this line goes harmoniously with the previous line. and yes no one knows exactly when it will come unless they provoke their own demise and even then in some cases they aren’t assured it will happen. some people can live through suicide attempts. the worst (for me) viewing those shotgun cases where someone blows their face off and lives!

line 11”Before we come to death, death had already written us on the list.” ah the list I like to see death’s black book myself list sounds so much like Santa Clause, and Death doesn’t care is you are naughty or nice! ha ha sorry cornball humor there.

line 12 “Enough we would have already suffered.” hmm that one is a little confusing as is…maybe “enough! we have already suffered!” little anger toward the murky being.

line 13 I do like that “Dear friends” as if you were standing at a podium giving a speech/lecture.

line 14 now this one is another ambiguous monster. “but believe me it’s never too late” too late for death to come claim them, too late to make a difference in the world, or too late to ponder what has been said previously. one, two, or all?

overall it is a very thought provoking piece kept me quite busy here. wonderful job,

~mike
| Posted on 2005-11-13 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked.

Very nice. I liked the whole idea and concept of the poem. No one can really escape death, can they? Anyhow, I enjoyed the poem. I think about death every once in a while, and its nice to hear someone elses thoughts on it, (although this poem isn't really a thought of yours, is it?)

Anyway, good job!
| Posted on 2005-03-22 00:00:00 | by GiveMeTheGun | [ Reply to This ]
  I think toward the end you kinda lost the flow you had but otherwise it was pretty good. Great write... So glad you don't think of death this way

Blessed Be!
| Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by Sarah Leger | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought that this flowed rather well and was quite interesting.your treatment of the theme (death) and your ideas on the subject, although nicely expressed, are not very original.but since many great poets have written on this topic of universal importance,it is hard to have something new to say,I understand that.keep trying, and maybe sometime you can write something completely original on this subject.
anyway, nice work!
| Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by marigold | [ Reply to This ]
  hey i like this poem its so tight. i hate to think of death as just numbered dyas but sadly it is. but oh well. keep writing
| Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by Scary-shorty | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah, I think you are trying to refer it as a sonnet. I enjoy a good english sonnet here and there, especially one pertainig to death; it fascinates me oddly for some reason.
-Trouble
| Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by Death of Death | [ Reply to This ]
  the type of poem is a sonnet. not too many people can write a decent one, but u managed. i can only think of 2 real complaints. um, line 11 doesn't rhyme with any of the others... and on line 6, if you switched "anything" to where "anyone" is, and put "anyone" on the end, it might keep a better flow of rhymes. but, either way, it was a piece worthy of compliments, a fairly original take on the topic of death. good job, and keep up the quality...
| Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by DontSaveMySoul | [ Reply to This ]
  i like it mostly cuz of its deathly content and cuz its writen so kewl.. i am always happy when i read some thing writin in a style/structure/flow other than what i am used to.

It's promises are always fulfilled and genuine.
Painfully, yet slowly death seeps into our being,
Little by little, our days become numbered.

kill me now. i like that [censored]
| Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]
  this is pretty good, and it is a good thing that there are so many differnt ways to think of death. i really would like to think of other ways to think of the things i do. i dont hink that makes sense but there is so much noise right now i cant concentrate.
| Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow 14.. So am I. I dont think I couldv'e of wrote something like this before. I thought it was well thought into. I like this kind of setup. But at the end I thought it was forced..

Death what can I say about death. Many people are scared of death. Personally, I don't want me dead.. Maybe when I am old.. But I don't want to die at a young age.. Although sometiems I wish I was dead... This title death can mean lots of differant things...
I enjoyed reading this.. It makes us think a bit.

stephanie

Hope to see you write more...
| Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]

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