Destiny no less
for me
lies in regress
too much
too soon
too late
to realize
my doom
that fine tunes
my pain
is my demise
and it came
too soon
too much
to face
the face of fate
it cant change,
it wont change
and i'm feeling the weight
The short line work well in making this flow very quickly and with ease. I particularly love the use of alliteration to speed things up ("to face the face of Fate" - okay, maybe a little too much repetition so close but it works well) Also the scattered rhymes help things along. Personally I love placing rhymes partway through sentences in this way and you have done it well here. However the content doesn't seem particularly focused. First of all I am thrown off and confused by the full stop after pain and the way "is my demise" follows. It doesn't seem to work to me, maybe removing the full stop would make it read better. If anything it definitely made me work to try and understand what this is about.
Hmm. I like this a lot but can't quite put a finger on why. I mean, there's a lot to like (the irony of too late/too soon and the repetition of too soon then too much later on, the quick pace, the intermittent rhyming) but the poetic license taken in a couple spots (especially the period after pain) is disconcerting.
If you eliminated punctuation altogether, this would read much like an e e cummings piece. Take a look at this:
destiny no less for me lies in regress too much too soon too late to realize my doom that fine tunes my pain
it all fits together as one sentence...now check this out:
to realize my doom that fine tunes my pain is my demise and it came too soon too much to face the face of Fate
See, by eliminating punctuation altogether that middle part works both as a continuation of the first thought, and then a lead-in to the back end. It might confuse some, though I'm sure the way it is now might too. OK. So you say, "well how do I work the last couple llines in without punctuation?"...I'm on it: seperate them...here...this is what I'm thinking:
destiny no less for me lies in regress too much too soon too late to realize my doom that fine tunes my pain is my demise and it came too soon too much to face the face of Fate
It cant change
It wont change
I'm starting to feel the weight...
K...sorry, probably got carried away. I guess it's my way of saying I wish I would've written this. Interesting work as always my friend. Hope I didn't offend by taking too much liberty.
Submission Name: U-Haul-My-All
