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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: U-Haul-My-Alldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 742
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 573



    Description:
       what do you have on your plate?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsU-Haul-My-Alldots
    -------------------------------------------


    U-Haul-My-All

    Destiny no less
    for me
    lies in regress
    too much
    too soon
    too late
    to realize
    my doom
    that fine tunes
    my pain
    is my demise
    and it came
    too soon
    too much
    to face
    the face of fate
    it cant change,
    it wont change
    and i'm feeling the weight

    lamemansterms




    Submitted on 2005-02-18 17:01:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The short line work well in making this flow very quickly and with ease. I particularly love the use of alliteration to speed things up ("to face
    the face of Fate" - okay, maybe a little too much repetition so close but it works well) Also the scattered rhymes help things along. Personally I love placing rhymes partway through sentences in this way and you have done it well here.
    However the content doesn't seem particularly focused. First of all I am thrown off and confused by the full stop after pain and the way "is my demise" follows. It doesn't seem to work to me, maybe removing the full stop would make it read better. If anything it definitely made me work to try and understand what this is about.
    | Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this poem...The rhyming, the irony, the quick pace, and origanal idea. It all fits together to make a great poem. Good Job!
    | Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by Lostlover | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm. I like this a lot but can't quite put a finger on why. I mean, there's a lot to like (the irony of too late/too soon and the repetition of too soon then too much later on, the quick pace, the intermittent rhyming) but the poetic license taken in a couple spots (especially the period after pain) is disconcerting.

    If you eliminated punctuation altogether, this would read much like an e e cummings piece. Take a look at this:

    destiny no less
    for me
    lies in regress
    too much
    too soon
    too late
    to realize
    my doom
    that fine tunes
    my pain

    it all fits together as one sentence...now check this out:

    to realize
    my doom
    that fine tunes
    my pain
    is my demise
    and it came
    too soon
    too much
    to face
    the face of Fate

    See, by eliminating punctuation altogether that middle part works both as a continuation of the first thought, and then a lead-in to the back end. It might confuse some, though I'm sure the way it is now might too. OK. So you say, "well how do I work the last couple llines in without punctuation?"...I'm on it: seperate them...here...this is what I'm thinking:

    destiny no less
    for me
    lies in regress
    too much
    too soon
    too late
    to realize
    my doom
    that fine tunes
    my pain
    is my demise
    and it came
    too soon
    too much
    to face
    the face of Fate

    It cant change

    It wont change

    I'm starting to feel the weight...

    K...sorry, probably got carried away. I guess it's my way of saying I wish I would've written this. Interesting work as always my friend. Hope I didn't offend by taking too much liberty.
    | Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]


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