Description: Me and my friends decided last summer to go on a trip at a lake near our city. What a trip it was! After 24 hours of not sleeping and continuously smoking weed at one point we all had the same visual hallucination, we saw that four trees at the edge of the forest had faces. They looked very ominous and awe inspiring and the weird part is that the next day the trees still looked the same, of course we were still heavily blunted :) I wrote this after a week...
Handful of dust -------------------------------------------
"I will show you fear in a handful of dust" T. S. Eliot
*
I used to mingle with the dried leafs and the autumn wind
Now the trees all wear frightening faces and avoid contact
At all costs
The frozen wind spreads rumors through the woods
A new war is coming that will end it all
Old bark begins to creek
Ancient roots unveil dirt and horror
This is the time of soul gathering under a giant tree
And I'm left on this muddy river shore
With plastic bags and a dead bird
Caught in a fishing net
As quiet companions
**
Hairline border between now and mass destruction
Not another hypocritical speech
Matter bursting free energy
Delete
Arouse more than sleepy eyebrows
Dust covered eyelashes
And quirky question marks
I offer a future uncanny
Like waking up in your grandfather's dirty clothes
Laying on your belly on the worked out field
Mouth filled with rich soil
Arms embracing the earth
Soul lost in the wind
***
There's a new wind of change
And it carries ancient whispers
Muddy recipes of another golem ramification
Death by dried earth
Solid air
Dirty hands will someday strangle sunshine
And broken bathroom mirrors
In old gas stations
Could be a gateway
To your former self
****
Throw a quarter in the dust filled air
Think about glory and illusion
Remember
Marc Anthony and Cleopatra had their faces stamped
On different sides of the same coin
Now the last mermaid is trapped in a defective jukebox
And spinning spiders spin their webs above your head
As if thoughts could fly
Hey, paradox! I just reread this piece and I love it! Reads very well. I did notice one thing I didn't catch the first time through.
> On different sides of the same coin
It sounds just fine the way it is now, but it could also be written as "On opposite sides of the same coin". Since a coin always has exactly two sides, "different" is a little ambiguous, but still acceptable. Just an afterthought. bent
There's a lot in this. I enjoyed reading it immensely.
> Now the trees all wear frightening faces and avoid contact ... > The frozen wind spreads rumors through the woods > A new war is coming that will end it all > Old bark begins to creek > Ancient roots unveil(2) dirt and horror > This is the time of soul gathering under a giant tree
These lines evoke a mental image from the film "Fellowship of the Ring", where Frodo stands on the road, and senses the Black Riders approaching; then he and his friends scuttle off the road and under the roots of a huge tree to hide. The film uses a compressed-zoom effect to distort perspective, and I get that same unreal feeling from this.
For whatever reason, these lines really stick with me:
> And broken bathroom mirrors > In old gas stations > Could be a gateway > To your former self
Been a while since I've been a gas station bathroom like this, but I have, and it carries its own ambiance. It's so well expressed here.
I gather from your bio and messages that English is your second language. If so, I'm astounded and amazed at your skill in writing. There are a couple of places where your word choice might be revisited, assuming you want to use phrases more familiar to a native English speaker; and a couple of places where I wondered what you meant:
(1 S1-L3) At all costs
(2 S1-L7) veil? My mental imagery suggests that roots would veil something, not unveil, or expose. Being unfamiliar with hallucination, though, I can't guess your intent for sure.
(3 S1-L11) fishing net
(4 S4-L6) defective? This is correct usage, and seems more clear to me.
These are totally subjective observations, though, and you may have reasons for keeping your piece just as it is. Native English speakers where I live are unkind to the language, and _they_ know better (well, most do), so please don't take my comments harshly. I am in total awe of your language ability -- and your writing.
Dirty hands will someday strangle sunshine And broken bathroom mirrors In old gas stations Could be a gateway To your former self
I can see someones face split into a million pieces by a shattered mirror, reflecting the many pieces of the innerself, the anger, the serenity, the stubborness, the thoughful side that questions everything. I also enjoyed "Now the last mermaid is trapped in a defect jukebox And spinning spiders spin their webs above your head As if thoughts could fly"
The mermaid thought makes me think of the alluring voices of the Sirens that lured sailors to their doom. It is as if the wild passion of their song has been bottled and sold cheap. Everything seems to come back to the earth in this poem, muddy recipies for golems, dust, rich soil. I admit I can't decipher it all, but that doesn't stop me from loving it simply for its images, which are so clear. Awesome write.
This is a very visual peice, Its as if everything is happening right in front of my eyes. I also could not decipher everything in this poem, but it is deep and struck different chords...
Submission Name: Handful of dust
