HIM by Bailey19

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Submission Name: HIM dots

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Author:	Bailey19
ASL Info:	20 Female UK
Elite Ratio:	3.93 - 64/85/33
Words:	111

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	286
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	708

Description:
written when i was blind and mad at him.why i do not know.HUMAN MISTAKE.

HIM

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Another hour past.
Then another, followed by more.
And so did more.
Then a month.
Still no words were spoken.
I haven’t even seen your face.

Into I did.

Then it explains it all.
Another girl.
“A friend” you say.
But your eyes have changed.
I see through you.
You want her.
And you don’t want me any more.

So I won’t hold my breath to see you again.
I know that you don’t care about me,
Like that friend.
I had the feeling it won’t last.
It’s different. Too much time went past.
So now I’ve changed.
I don’t want to never see you again.

Submitted on 2005-02-19 16:02:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This is pretty good actually I really liked how it sounds so depressing when you read it, helps get the point of the poem across. It does remind me of this one guy I dated and he was my sister's friend so when I dumped him, he came to my house with his new little friend for a dance just to piss me off. I hate that crap. I really liked ur poem. You have a great talent!
| Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by HurtDeepDown | [ Reply to This ]
  The voice in this seems really raw. I like the first few lines of the final verse:

So I won’t hold my breath to see you again.
I know that you don’t care about me,
Like that friend.

These really show the persona's thought processes.
You begin the first verse with the passing of time, always a strong way to engage the reader, yet you overdo it a bit. Maybe if you just kept:

Another hour past.
Then another, followed by ...
a month.

But this confuses the time in your poem because later on you convert into the present tense: 'I haven’t even seen your face.'
The 'still' of the next line is redundant. The reader knows that time goes on without you speaking to him. So 'No words were spoken' will do. I do not understand: 'Into it I did'.
The third verse is fine throughout, but without the last line it would be stronger. The reader will have already gathered that if he wants her, he doesn't want you.
| Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
  hey nice poem, sounds like you've really been hurt. It's bad to know that the person you cared for has really betrayed you and gone for another.

though there is a bit of a mix up coz there's one part where you change your part tense to present tense. Though this is a good poem, it shows heart break that has gone to the core...be strong, we all get hurt.

but isn't it rtue how they all say, she's just a friend...that totally pisses me off.

Good poem, keep writing, your good!
| Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by Writer Chic | [ Reply to This ]
  I disagree with Speacenik. I think that in the first stanza, the repitition shows that raw voice. That time just keeps going by... and nothing is happening.

I also disagree with taking out the last line in the third verse, I think that adds some bitterness to the poem. Especially the "anymore."

I do agree though, that "Into it I did" makes no sense, at least to me. I also agree that your changes in tenses are confusing.

Last thing... I think you might want to uncapitilize your title. I don't think you need it, this poem shouts out for itself, although that's just minor.

Anyways, I really really like this. Nice write, yah got talent!

-Brooke
| Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by Quiet Clamor | [ Reply to This ]
  hey bailey 19, all though the poem seems heart felt you need to realize nobody gives an eff about your cheating boyfriend, too bad though. so i think maybe it will help you to see a shrink, or are you just ugly and thats why your boyfriend cheated on you. or yeah whatever the hell happened. maybe next time you should pick a boyfriend thats as ugly or if possible uglier than you. sincerely xena z. rokax ps next time you write a poem don't make it sound so high school dramaish. ha ha i really loved the poem. NOT
| Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by xena z rokax | [ Reply to This ]
  This is good. But I'm sorry that you had to go through something like that. It seems that it would hurt. But I guess when you look at reality it makes you stronger and it makes you not want to cry it makes you able to do what you want. I mean for me.. If that happened to me... I seriously wouldn't no what to do. I feel like I would cry, but you have courage to stand up for yourself. You new it was over.
If he wants some other girl. Forget about it. Don't waste your time. You didn't you said I don't want to see you again.
That is amazing
Good job
and good write

stephanie
| Posted on 2005-02-20 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]

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