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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: OBSERVATION INSANEdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jermwerm
    ASL Info:    26/m/FRESNO CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 203/268/83
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Mirror or Mask
    Total Views: 992
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 683



    Description:
       Being on LSD and looking into your eyes through the mirror. You see your soul with the inhansed scences of serealistic reality. creepy...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOBSERVATION INSANEdots
    -------------------------------------------


    "...As I look into this mirror,
    I can see inside of my own soul.
    For I get confused which eyes are mine,maybe both images are whole.
    For how do I know if I'm only the reflection,
    of the oppisite thats truly me?
    Maybe it's my after life self,
    a complex yet insane mystry.
    For am I real or just a decal,
    for am I even really me?
    Stare in the mirror at your eyes for this surprise,
    Im not a weirdo you will see.
    I'll bet that you can't stare for long,
    it will momentaraly make you insane.
    For maybe none of it exists,
    this observation just a'nt sane..."




    Submitted on 2005-02-21 06:46:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I feel where you are going with this...i happen to disagree with the previous comment. i think if the poem works for you then it will definitely touch someone. you can't write for the reader because everyone is different and has different tastes. you have to write what's true to you and in your heart. i like the imagery i get from this piece. it's real sentimental and believe me...i understand. one.
    | Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Rukiya Faizah | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel where you are going with this...i happen to disagree with the previous comment. i think if the poem works for you then it will definitely touch someone. you can't write for the reader because everyone is different and has different tastes. you have to write what's true to you and in your heart. i like the imagery i get from this piece. it's real sentimental and believe me...i understand. one.
    | Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Rukiya Faizah | [ Reply to This ]
      Maybe you should lay off the LSD when you want to write - or maybe just lay off it altogether. This is a mishmash of words strung together to form lines that try to say something but don't quite make it. It's like a dispassionate stream of consciousness thing. I can fully picture you being high while writing this. It sounds stoned.

    I'm sorry, but this particular piece was a waste of time, both yours and mine. Not that it couldn't have been made interesting. Your initial idea was an okay one, if a little overdone. But you gave it no depth, no clear thought, no...no interest.

    Your spelling is a little better than the last one I read, but it's still not good. The spelling in your description was bad as well.

    I'm sorry, but I think you should tackle this one all over again when you're sober. mae
    | Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree a bit with all the commentors on this one. I think it's a nice idea... but not written very well. No scratch that, it could be written better, it is still a nice write.

    I think you started off really well, I really thought it was actually going to live up to the type you put it as: Deep thought. But after that, you went very much downhill. This starts at the line, "Stare in the mirror at your eyes for this suprise." This sounds straight from a cheap commercial. Unoriginal rhyme as well. Also, if your staring in the mirror, you don't need to say "at your eyes", because "staring" implys it's at your eyes. Which also makes it feel like a forced rhyme because it's obvious you don't need that part.

    Then, after that, you say "I'm not a weirdo you will see." Well, this is not poetry. You go to deeply into your own emotion, when at the beginning of this you were telling us a story, not directly talking to us.

    I think maybe you got the feeling you wanted in this. Leaving the reader feeling high and confused and wanting to go look in a mirror...

    -Brooke
    | Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Quiet Clamor | [ Reply to This ]
      omg this is what i liked!

    "...As I look into this mirror,
    I can see inside of my own soul.
    For I get confused which eyes are mine,maybe both images are whole.
    For how do I know if I'm only the reflection,
    of the oppisite thats truly me?
    Maybe it's my after life self,
    a complex yet insane mystry.
    For am I real or just a decal,
    for am I even really me?
    Stare in the mirror at your eyes for this surprise,
    Im not a weirdo you will see.
    I'll bet that you can't stare for long,
    it will momentaraly make you insane.
    For maybe none of it exists,
    this observation just a'nt sane..."

    THE WHOLE THING! lol. now.. i know that you are probably laughing at me right now...i mean you never know. but i just understand this completely. i often ask myself am i really here? is this all just another world when really there is the true me in the real world! wow? i dont know? it sounded better in my head. but i think you get what i mean. good job...
    wait...ha! what am i typing??!?! great job.

    -amazes me everytime!-

    Sierra
    | Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by PookiezBookie | [ Reply to This ]


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