The Source of Bad Poetry (REVISED) by jer

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Submission Name: The Source of Bad Poetry (REVISED) dots

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Author:	jer
ASL Info:	29/M/Detroit
Elite Ratio:	5.08 - 283/238/34
Words:	242

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	347
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1731

Description:
Update:
First, I want to say thank you to everyone who read and made suggestions on this. I am somewhat happier with the new form this poem has taken. Special thanks to Cabaret Cat for working with me on this to a large degree. I remain skeptical of poems that rhyme, when written by me, but I'm much happier overall with this.. please, blast this to hell, I want to make it something good :)

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The Source of Bad Poetry (REVISED) dots

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NEW:
masturbation of thought constantly running in my mind,
mental seed spilling, concious thoughts i cannot order,
a cacophony of words, once neatly coiled, starting to unwind.

fiery red thought burns like the head of a match aflame,
prodding, burning, and driving me to distraction,
an unwoven tapestry so faded, without form, without name.

tired, unfathomable doggerel defying form in my head,
thoughts that won't dissapate or slow down,
throwing these at paper, let my insanity, from me, be bled.

reigning in concepts, drained, wasted and raw,
flaunting the pain and exposing my thoughts,
screaming inaudibly through rigid pen and clenched jaw.

OLD:
disgusting and putrid as the results of a disease,
communicable and twisted and gives me what i need,
hanging like a needle from my arm, distorting what i see.

reigning in thoughts, drained and wasted and raw,
flaunting the pain and exposing my flaws,
screaming inaudibly through rigid pen and clenched jaw.

masterbation of thought constantly ruining my mind,
mental seed spilling, concious thoughts i cannot find,
a cacophony of waste, once neatly coiled, starting to unwind.

flame red thought burns like the head of a match aflame,
poking, burning, and slowly driving me insane,
a woven tapestry so faded, without description, without name.

tired, unfathomable doggerel defying form in my head,
thoughts that won't dissapate, slow down, be dead,
throwing these at paper, let my insanity, from me, be bled.

Submitted on 2005-02-21 10:46:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I have to say I thought the old one was better...It painted a more graphic vision in the readers mind.

but *shrug* the good one isn't bad.
| Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't know why exactly, but I liked the old version better. I would go back to that one and just clean it up a bit. the new version seems to be less intense. maybe you could keep a couple lines from it, but seriously I would go back to the first version and work on that one until it's perfect. nice work.
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  you could even name this "the source of good poetry" and it would still work. I like this and it was a very amusing read. I think that your phrases are well put together and that adds to the intensity of the flow of the poem...it has good rhythm with draws me into the poem even more as i read the poem out loud. nice job.
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Rukiya Faizah | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you were right. This poem has really great potential. Although it had good flow, in most parts, I couldn't really ever grasp what it was you were trying to say. Maybe that was what you were trying to go for, make us come to our own conclusions and what not.

As I was reading it, I felt really that what you put as your first stanza should have been your second. It seemed to me that you were starting in the middle of the story or message you were trying to teach us. Kinda like coming in 10 minutes late to church service, the message is great, but you can never really understand what it's about because you missed the introduction. You know what I mean.

Besides a few spelling errors and what I talked about before, I think when those things are fixed you could have a very great poem.
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Lostlover | [ Reply to This ]
  I, on the other hand, like the rhyming. I think you went out on a limb to try it, and it works well, to me.

I really like your "sexual references" in the third stanza... it was very shocking to read. Like kind of like a subtle "Gasp! I can't believe he said that! But... it's such a perfect word for it." It's shocking but satisfying. I like it!

Okay,I think in the second stanza it doesn't really fit where it is. After that stanza, you go on for the last three talking just about your thoughts and how you have to write them. I think maybe the second stanza could be your last, to complete the poem and the message.

I also agree with Lostlover in a sense that the first stanza doesn't really "kick off" the poem. It seems out of place. Maybe you could write another stanza before it, I don't think you should take it out though.

I agree with Alia and disagree with her at the same time. The poem would be more of a great, raw, pure message stripped down of all the "fluff" (Rhyming.) With rhyming, it's more of a tells the message, enjoyable read. It would be amazing both ways!

Nice write.

-Brooke
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Quiet Clamor | [ Reply to This ]
  The repeating words, all in lower case kind of run together for me. But, since it is about bad poetry, I think it's really funny/ironic. It reminds me of a piece I read for an AP English test that used the style it was criticizing. So, anyways, I do like the way the stanzas are set up; my eyes just kinda flowed over them really nicely. It's fun to read and fun to look at!
| Posted on 2005-02-25 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
  disgusting and putrid as the results of a disease,
communicable and twisted and gives me what i need,
hanging like a needle from my arm, distorting what i see.

I personnely enjoyed this stanza and wished you hadn't taken it out of the revision...but maybe that's just me.
Rubi
| Posted on 2005-02-28 00:00:00 | by Rubi_Roja | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nicely written.

"masturbation of thought constantly running in my mind,
mental seed spilling, concious thoughts i cannot order,
a cacophony of words, once neatly coiled, starting to unwind."

Possibly my favourite part. I also really enjoy the last stanza as well. Overall, the poem is brilliant. It sent my imagination wild, especially the way you used your words.

The formatting of this poem is great. It doesn't disrupt the flow of the poem which is always a good thing.

As said before, this is a wonderful poem overall.
| Posted on 2005-02-25 00:00:00 | by QueenCrimson | [ Reply to This ]

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