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Slow accomplishment


Author: marysunshine
ASL Info:    34, Female,
Elite Ratio:    4.48 - 610 /705 /75
Words: 89
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1914
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 695



Description:


Ever feel like you're walking in circles?


Slow accomplishment



Dirty circle.
Been here before.
Trekked back to where I began
again, damn.
Things familiar
like landmarks of paper
remind as I wind
from points taken.
A sigh of redundancy
replays yesterday’s expletive
as foes whistle past
with sweet direction.
I flash pessimistic eyes
quick behind
for uncommon progress reports…
and so faintly notice
a bit of progressing spiral
trailing my shoes,
What once was plain circle
eroding deep with tread
has edged slightly forward,
and I laugh
for the irony
of slow accomplishment.





Submitted on 2005-02-21 12:27:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  What a great opening!

"Dirty circle.
Been here before.
Trekked back to where I began
again, damn."

Especially the last word, it's just great. A stuttering marvel. I read it italicized in my mind, and though I've never heard your voice, I heard it clearly there! hahaha.

Love the theme too, and this one has so many comments they've probably covered every angle. For some reason this gripped me, and I've claimed another favorite for my collection.
| Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't quite know what to say about this one, Mary. I enjoyed reading it, but felt unsatisfied when I finished. I had to read the description to know exactly what you were describing, though I was guessing at it - correctly - as I read.

I liked the words you used. They were exactly the right ones to lead us where you wanted us to go.

I don't really know what it is. I just don't feel satisfied.

But you know, as I write this, I'm thinking that maybe that's what you were also feeling - walking in circles and all. That's not a very satisfying feeling. So maybe you got your message across as intended and I really did get it! Hmmm. mae
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  This is fantastic. You chose a familair theme and make it really fresh.
The sentence structure is strong too and does suggest the unravelling and gradual coming together that the persona doesn't notice. Yet, I am unsure of using connectives like 'of' as a sentence break.
In many ways your rhymes do add to this feeling of repetiveness. I especailly liked: 'remind as I wind' and 'redundancy/replays yesterday’s' both suggest extreme weariness through their heaviness. The reader can almost hear you yawning. I am not sure about the 'damn' though, this is only personal opinion but it seems to jar with me.
You help make your images fresh and vivid through using adjectives that are unexpected, 'flash pessimistic eyes' and 'uncommon progress reports.'
I love the end.

I laugh
for the irony of
slow accomplishment

Great write,
Speacenik.
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
  Welcome back!

Nice one for you to come back with, maybe a little explanation as to why you've been away. The soul-searching is evident in this one -

Dirty circle.
Been here before.
Trekked back to where I began
again, damn

I love this opening. Drew me in, the facts you state (so matter-of-factly) and the frustration (damn), in your own near-irreverent style.

as foes whistle past
with sweet direction

this is the saddest part to me, the way we tend to beat ourselves up based on comparison with others. When we're feeling good about ourselves we don't care about the progress of others, even foes. But when we're feeling insecure, we see others success as an example of our failure.

The ending is nice, as I got the feeling of a circle going around nowhere and ending back up where we started - nowhere. I'm quite sure this was your intention, so you nailed it in my book.

If this is autobiographical in nature (and from reading your recent journals I would guess that it is) I hope you've found some resolution. We all go through this from time to time. I'm just glad you're back and expressing yourself in your wonderfully unique way.
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  I you ever find you are spinning circles again, one bit of scientific fact, it you reach out with your hand it will atleast take you into a different spiral! Try it on your computer chair, but it will work fine, as life seems to come back at you; REACH OUT!
It was so nice to read an intellectural piece that gave visions instead of nightmares.
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  ha,,,awesome...miss sunshine has returned...i missed you...i was on deads page and saw you message...and came to visit have some coffee...nah...just to read your new post...ok...awesome by the way ...if i'm getting this your talking of making progress slowly...or slowly accomplishing the goals in life or realizing you are when you thought you wern't...you thought you were replaying things over and over never really getting anywhere but you our just not as fast as you would like to but you've decided to except it and be happy and just keep going...or i'm off and clueless in a corner...lol...but i loved it and of course your unique word usuage as always...purps
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  Running in circle, spinning your wheels-in a rut and all of the above-but nonetheless, making a "slow accomplishment". I liked the subtle symbolism of the spiral, it reminds me of eternal progress, and of conchs, snail, who slowly forge their way ahead. I found this could be taken at many levels, and was articulate, positive, and flavored with a wry ironic humor.
Nice One>
Silver
| Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed the read, but it took a few times for me to really get the most out of it... the beat seemed off. To me, this poem didn't seem to benefit from abbreviated lines. I think shorter verses/longer lines would make the flow more clear and aid the readability. Aside from that, I enjoyed this a great deal!
| Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
  You manage to portray the all too familiar feeling of achieving nothing even though the effort is being made... be it on a physical or mental sphere... it has the same debilitating effect. I love the usage of "remind as I wind" in the same line... Very well written.
| Posted on 2005-02-24 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
  one step up, two steps back, eh? or some such thing. in my current state, i feel this to the bone. the two first lines grabbed me.. damn dirty circle. too familiar. i suppose, though, that slow accomplishment is better than none at all. today i head out to look for a new job, as i was unceremoniously fired on tuesday and went into a black funk of alcohol. i'm back, though, and charge onward!!! nice to see you writing again.
| Posted on 2005-02-24 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  I never pass an invitation to bash someone's poetry, and don't worry, I won't call you a bitch, bitch

Like most poets you fail to make the words more than just words, and settle for prose that is supposed to be poetic. This write didn't make me feel a damned thing.

You seem to try to give it a funny touch, but your sense of humor and wit isn't as sharp as could be, especially when actually using the word 'irony' instead of simply adding some irony. You may want to work on that, otherwise simply writing "this was the best poem you ever read" would do.

Next problem is the weird sentence structures which seem to serve no goal but to sound floaty/poetic, getting rid of that might be an improvement. You also chop up the lines, which I asume is caused by being flow-deaf, you might want to work on that as well.

Of course I have hope you will one day write a master piece. Keep it up sunshine
| Posted on 2005-02-25 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
  Hm I like it - however I had a whole lotta preconception and really thot this was gonna be a bedroom poem - the residual of my surprise might have added. Any how its all circles man, lots of little circles to make up a bigger circle, which is just a little circle.
shard
| Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello again...

Circles, circles and the ages... SB rox... Sorry- I’m a dork. Now I have Soul Coughing in my hed... Rrrrrr...

I’m really feeling thys one. I lyke the uncertainty of it all... And it leads you lyke a circle too- back to start- but where did you start... there is no point to recognize. Circle...

Peace, love and tiny yellow dots... ~Six~
| Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]


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