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Promised Land


Author: Memphis
ASL Info:    21/f/Right Here
Elite Ratio:    5.13 - 130 /158 /31
Words: 166
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 983
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 984



Description:


Formerly titled "BDD and ME"...the old title didn't fit.

This piece (of me) has been waiting for ages to come out...and I finally did it. I plan to revise this one soon. I want it to send tremors through the paper it's printed on and I don't think I have that down yet.


Promised Land



An ode to a wail is what you’ll find
If you decide to take the road that leads through my continent.
A hymn for cries so abrasive and sacred
Will shake the holy ground underneath your feet.
Strange and dark wonders will greet your eyes
While you taste the euphoria laced with myrrh that hangs in the air.
But first you must fall through a mirror
And feel all the pain
Of a twin sister who sees all
But refuses to assuage the wounds.
A ritual dance with your shadow
Must be performed in front of all my people.
It is a dance most rhythmic and raw
That cuts with the ferocity of a dagger
Newly hewn from graphite and steel.
If your stamina carries you
And you outlast your shadow
Then you will be rewarded with the key to my promised land.
But before you can enter
You must give your innocence to the masked man
Who stands guard at the door.




Submitted on 2005-02-21 14:11:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This is powerful even if oblique. I think you are talking about the epiphanal pain that makes us become who we are - possibly abuse.
While the density of this poem is one of its strengths I would suggest breaking it up so we can really savour the images within it. I would suggest you put a verse break after lines 6, 10, 15 and 21, a break after line 24 might also work.
I like the biblical and fairytale allusions in this, they become defamilairised in this new landscape and this makes them haunting. 'A hymn for cries so abrasive and sacred/Will shake the holy ground underneath your feet' is a really strong section.

A ritual dance with your shadow
Must be performed in front of all my people.
It is a dance most rhythmic and raw
That cuts with the ferocity of a dagger
Newly hewn from graphite and steel

is also strong. There are many archaisms here - 'a dance most' and 'newly hewn' but they fit the voice perfectly.
I think this is the language you should use. The 'feel all the pain' and 'who sees all' are clichés. I barely remember the Bible but I think there are many metaphors for 'all-seeing' there.
The final verse is haunting. The reader is left wondering who the man at the door who takes your innocence is?
Great write.


| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]


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